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If you or another family member were living there I would suggest that you change the locks. But since you are not there 24/7 I wouldn't just in case of an emergency.
NO ONE is guaranteed an inheritance. As a matter of fact I think the money should be spent on the person that needs the care rather than squirreling it away to be doled out after the person that needed it has died.
If you or your family can not or will not provide the care that she needs contact Adult Protective Services, or contact your local Senior Services and talk to a Social Worker and explain that Grandma needs help and you can no longer provide the help that she needs. No telling what would happen to her assets and that includes the house if they determined that she needs 24/7 care.
If she were to be declared incompetent she would need a Guardian and that might possibly fall to the State since you said you can not provide proper care for her. Chances are the only ones that "win" in that situation are the Lawyers.
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Davina Jun 2019
If no one deserves an inheritance, then no one should expect relatives to provide the care the OP is giving.
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The harsh truth is that Grandma can leave her estate to whomever she wants. There is no law saying it has to be her relatives. Do you know for sure she has a will? If she doesn't, there is a line of heirs that is determined by state law, and that usually doesn't include friends. If she does have a legal will, who is the executor? They are bound by law to follow the provisions of the document. I suspect Grandma is just using threats to get her own way since it would be quite expensive to go change the will as often as you say she threatens. You need to get the locks changed on the house, if possible, since the neighbors having keys opens up the potential of them removing things when Grandma dies, or even when she is alive with her permission to take things. It is possible you can have her declared mentally unfit to care for herself and her property but that requires an attorney and a court adjudication.
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I am a caregiver. First, grandma is overloaded with anger, at life, herself, husband for dying, anger at everyone. Has anyone talked with her , honest upfront, about what she wants, needs? Does she have Alzheimer's/dementia? Anger is a very real effect of these. She is obviously a "danger" to herself, and truthfully, the family would be better off by bringing in a professional caregiver that knows how to deal with these issues. Sounds like family reacts with anger when she has a "fit." How do you know for sure there's a legal will or not? Why don't y'all find it, deal with whatever's in it. She obviously don't drive, so if she even wanted to make a new will, y'all would have to take her to get it done. The word NO works well, to getting her somewhere to have that done. Bottom line, sit down, have an honest, without anger, conversation. Just maybe y'all will learn where this hostility is coming from. After all, the worst thing is she'll yell, and tell you you're out of the will. Good luck. It's never good when a loved one dies, and all that's left behind are angry words and heart aches. Be gentle, be kind, but let go of the anger, and the greed over what's hers till she's gone.
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If she is sound mentally and it sounds like she is, of course she can change her own will. It is her prerogative. Your grandpa was her husband so what he left is hers unless he designated otherwise in his will. Imagine if she did change her will-which may already be the case. If your circumstances are such that you need to get paid you should ask her but don’t bank on a will. If she chooses not to be prepared for that answer as others have suggested.
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Inheritance? If the will was prepared when she was competent, she can leave anything to anybody she chooses.

Your profile does not tell us how old grandma is or what her medical conditions are. That would help.

Good that you are no longer living there. Has grandma setup POA's? That needs to be done. Or family goes to court, if she is not competent, to obtain guardianship. It sounds like that may not be possible since grandma is unlikely to want family to be granted it.

It also sounds like you may be jumping the gun on the inheritance issue. Grandma's resources are for her care. Often paying for Care will drain any resources that they may have.

Is grandma on Medicaid?
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Since we’re all an armchair’s length from you, I’ll pitch in something else - this neighbor may be kinder or less smirky than you think, please watch out for fostering angst where it may not exist due to the war-like platform grandma creates around her. Ask your mom about perhaps looking for a time to get alone with this gal and ask her for her thoughts and observations about the situation, “You aren’t family, but we know you’re a caring neighbor,” etc.
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Lymie61 Jun 2019
Very good point, this neighbors smirky comment "hey maybe she will be nice and leave you her house. Maybe." might have been more of an all knowing comment about the way your GM threatens with "the house" or an attempt to commiserate with you figuring you had shared the same experience, you know a wink, wink, I know what your going through.
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Im not seeing the whole picture I'm afraid, is it just the house or is there money involved ?
Some elder lawyers will come to house if there is a reason the client cant get to them, rare but not out of the question.
I'm sure if the neighbor is a friend she see's the comings and goings on ,it happenes more often than not that she may agree with grandma and has gotten involved. Not necessarily in her best interest. People in life can sometimes be self serving and it happens that it's not always in someone's best interest , the neighbor may be taking advantage of your grandma and helped her change her will, or it may be that there's to much concern about nothing. I would call her bluff and ask to see her will
and let's be mindful that generally people sometimes feel they are owed more than they actually are, if you have to be rewarded for every little thing you do you have the option to not do it ,,, good luck
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First, change the locks. Your grandmother won't like it, but she doesn't like anything, so it doesn't really matter. A woman who has that many tantrums probably has dementia, so get her checked out by a neurologist; depending on the results, you might need to get her POA. I wouldn't worry about the will too much. If she has a lawyer, he or she is sick of her by now and lawyers don't make housecalls unless you are extremely wealthy. It's simply too much trouble to change a will. I'd suggest not visiting for a day the next time she has a tantrum. Or submitting a bill for a weeks' worth of services. Or both. Make sure the bill is at market rate for in-home care. You might be able to negotiate a family rate...
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Zdarov Jun 2019
I agree that there’s surely some dementia going on. As much as I read I’m still not conversant, but: they can have mini strokes over and over and leaves a trail of vascular dementia throughout the brain. The change since three years ago is a thing, not just a coincidence.
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Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If you think you are entitled, call Legal Aid or your own lawyer if you have one.

We are not owed any inheritance whatsoever from anyone.
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PrivateCitizen Jun 2019
I am shocked every time I see family thinking they are owed anything, the parent should present each kid a 'bill' for the first 18 years if that is the case, for wiping they butt, cleaning up for free, etc. In my husband's family I watched two sisters and a brother firmly believe they would get everything from an aunt, the last couple years 'relatives from AZ swooped in, she changed everything and none of the adult kids got the juicy payoff they expected. and there was a screaming fight in the funeral home parking lot, and these were all good Catholics..yeah, when money is involved it wrecks all else. I had a mom who always threatened me for age 10 on that she'd cut me out of her will...guess what, it was never MY money, so I did not care! and sure enough a brother who cared for her the last years claimed there was nothing...so he earned it aw far as I am concerned. Greed, and feeling 'deserving' is the worst trait. I think the woman or anyone else should present their parent with a BILL for services rendered, treat them like a stranger. Ann Landers used to say no one owes you a thing in this world.
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If your grandmother's abusive behavior isn’t because of dementia (since you didn’t say we don’t know), then she can change her will. However I don’t see that happening as she’s immobile and you would have to drive her to an attorney. I think you need to let that worry go as you have no control over it right now. Your biggest concern really should be the fact that you are being used and she is not grateful. And frankly visiting 3x a day is a bit much! It sounds like her daughter, your mom needs a backbone and boundaries. We teach people how to treat us and she’s been taught by you all she can get away with being demanding and mean. You don’t have to put up with it. So a clear plan is needed on hiring help or getting paid. And getting POA is needed if it hasn’t been done.
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Thanks for answers everyone! I am trying to get my mom to set something up with a lawyer. I dont even know how we prove that we are at her house everyday doing this stuff. I feel almost guilty being worried about a will bc that is not why we help her. Its just that she can be downright awful to us and if anyone inherits the house, it should be us. Maybe im paranoid that shes changed her and grandpa's will but I dont think its that far fetched either and would not put it past her.
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Zdarov Jun 2019
hazel, wow this sounds so stressful! I have a mom who acts the queen like this in some ways. You asked how to ‘prove’ what you do day to day. I don’t know the ultimate legal use, but I keep a log of every visit on my iPad; hours I was there, what I brought, what I did. An accumulated body of notes could have a number of values later. Also I’ll note any particularly bizarre happenings or statements.
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I agree with Katie; just tell her that you need to be paid the going rate ($25 per hour).

If she doesn't agree then give her the phone number of local home care agencies.

This is NOT okay for her to behave this way.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jun 2019
Awesome advice!!!! Just because she is elderly doesnt give her the right to abuse you or your mom Hazel86!!
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Well, I would tell grandma that from now on there will be a caregiver contract and she will pay for services.

She can can either pay you and your family or she can go hire an agency.

Stop letting her her abuse you for free...at least get paid.
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Barb I ask myself this everyday. My mom doesn't want to put her in a home and besides, she refuses. So I don't even think we legally can put her in one. My sister and I are still pretty young and just feels like torture. Everything revolves around her. And not even a thank you.
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Jazzy1349 Jun 2019
Hi, I'm Sara, and I feel for you. No one should be abused. I responded earlier, but I want to deal about the neighbor, okay? She sees a total different side of grandma, obviously the nice side. But keep in mind Hazel, when grandma dies, this neighbor will be a force to be reckoned with, will or not. Wouldn't it be better to get on her good side? Eat a little "yum-yum crow," about past words, play nice, not in anger. If you change the locks, she can, in turn, change them too. Which locks you out, with no way to get back in. You may win "some battles," but you're we!! On the road to "losing the war." One kind word can erase a thousand spoken in anger. Learn to a small amount of ass to get all you seem to think of as your stuff. Goes a long, long way, sugar.
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Why do you allow yourselves to be abused this way?
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Tell her her keys have fallen into disreputable hands and it's an important security measure. Then just quietly forget to give the neighbour a new one.
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My grandma is home a lot now because of the mobility issues and she would flip out if we did that cause shes parked in a recliner right by the door. Believe me, I have considered it though.
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Change the locks.
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