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For 10 years I’ve been helping a neighbor with all things electronic when they stopped working. In May, I found out she has cancer and is currently at home in hospice. She is estranged from her family. In this case, I started to help some. That has since evolved into a toxic situation, nothing done for her is right, she wants me on-call, and boy, she does call! If I can't meet her demands, boy oh boy, the guilt trips. I totally understand the dynamics involved, but now it's taking an emotional toll. I have my children with me this week and she's asking when they're leaving just about every day. I know why, because I'm spending time with them. She's making me out to be the bad guy, so what do I do now to get out of this?

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"I'm so sorry, but I can't possibly help you today, I have other plans."

I agree with calling APS; this woman should not be alone.
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You just tell her you have your own family with your own priorities, and you’re very sorry but they come first.
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Baffled626 Aug 2022
Hey Peggy Sue I can tell that to her I’ve already told that to her but then she wants to know my entire itinerary I just had my kids come visit from New York and she’s asking me how long are they staying what day are they staying until what time are they leaving I don’t wanna think about my kids leaving when they just got here. I can’t believe in wanting to help her out how this is just a bottomless pit of one problem on top of the other. I am moving in September next month so I only have a short time to have to do whatever I need to do or do whatever I won’t be doing for her basically it’ll be her decision. Thank you so much for getting back to me everybody has been so kind with their information and feels like I’m getting a virtual hug from everybodyThank you again and have a wonderful weekend
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So now you know why she's estranged from her family. No good deed goes unpunished! You're an angel for your willingness to help her, but she either is mentally ill or has dementia. In either case helping her is now above your pay grade.

I would report her to APS and let them know she is a vulnerable adult and has no one else and that her only current help -- you -- are moving in September. Then you can block her calls or let them roll into voicemail.

Getting "out of this" won't feel good or comfortable but you've done yeoman's work for her out of the goodness of your heart. Now you need boundaries because she won't or can't respect them from her end.
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You'd be doing her a kindness to call APS before she wakes up one day to find you moved away. Sure, you've told her, but that hasn't made any difference to her.

If you know the hospice organization, make sure they also know you'll be leaving. She may have told them she has a support system in place (you), so let them know that's not the case. Tell them you're leaving at least two weeks before you really are going. You don't need to deal with her stuff up until the minute you leave.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 2022
MJ, this is an excellent idea. The hospice social worker should ideally know now.
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Is it a generational thing that so many people answer the phone everytime it rings? I never answer unless I know who it is and actually want to talk to them.
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cignal Aug 2022
lol same, i don't answer the door either unless i'm expecting someone.
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Next time she calls you tell her that you are unavailable at the moment.
If there are days or a day in the week that you can set aside to help her, then tell her so. Say .."Mary, I can help you out on Monday and Thursday from 9am until 3:30pm. If she needs help out side of that time frame she can hire someone.
If you do not think she is taking care of herself other than when you are available you can report her to the Elder Abuse hotline in your State. (Self neglect is reportable) Or you can report her to APS.
If it has also gotten to the point where you can no longer safely help her tell her that you are unable to continue helping her and that she need to hire someone.
(By the way if you do want to continue I think she should be paying you)
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Baffled626 Aug 2022
Hello grandma 1954 thanks for getting back to me I’m going to have to set boundaries with her and if boundaries are not convenient for her then I’m gonna have to let the situation go I am moving from this condo in September and I think that may have started the problem but I can’t be here for her all the timeIf she decides to go off of home hospice for the second time around then I may have to really consider calling APS or elder care. Again thank you so much for your input it is so appreciated have a wonderful weekend
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You aren’t obligated to do anything. Call APS. Don’t answer the calls and say NO when they show up at your door,
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Baffled626 Aug 2022
Hey Lupe Lu thank you for your response it means a lot. It is true I am not obligated it’s just out of sheer human compassion but I think with her even 10 years ago the elevator doesn’t quite go to the top and I think since the disease she’s becoming mentally worse. The battery on her car died two or three days ago and I watched her yesterday and she went into the car to try to start it now there’s something wrong there if need be if it gets worse although I hate to do it I could reach out to APS.Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for responding
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This is a tough situation for you. You want to help but now its evolved into more than you care to deal with, thanks to this neighbor having nobody but you to help her out after hospice leaves. I think you have to sit down with her for an honest chat now. Tell her your circumstances have changed, and after TEN YEARS of helping her, you're no longer able to. At all. You'd be very happy to help her arrange for Home Instead or another service to come in daily with a caregiver to help her with errands, cooking, cleaning, showers, companionship and whatever else she needs to have done for her, but you're not available any longer. Then help her find a gal to come in daily for 4 hours or whatever. If and when this neighbor calls you, don't answer the phone. You'll have made your intentions clear and then it will be on your neighbor to figure out her own life moving forward.

You've done so much for her, my hat is off to you. Please don't feel guilty for quitting this unpaid job now. Enough is enough.
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Baffled626 Aug 2022
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. As of right now she is under hospice care but she is at home. But the first time she was at hospice care again at home she told them she didn’t need them. She is now on her second go around with hospice and I think she is once again about to give them the boot as well. I am also in theProcess of moving come September and I know she’s not taking this well either. My sincere thanks for responding it really does mean a lot have a wonderful weekend and thank you again
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Baffled, you've gotten a lot of helpful answers, so I'll try to limit mine to adding just a few comments.

I do agree that you need to decrease the time spent immediately, but use the Indiana Jones substitution method. This is what I might do:

1. Research local sources - city, county, state- to see what they offer, but don't filter it by reading it all and making recommendations. Let her do that. Not only will it gently force her to make more of her own decisions, but you're not leaving her in a vulnerable position as she'll have the chance to make arrangements before you move. And don't back down.

2. If she continues to contact you, you might answer the first few calls but ignore her requests for your assistance and instead focus on what results she's had from contacting the entities on the lists you gave her. Don't ask if she's called; help her realize that you're backing out.

If she continues to call, continue the same inquiry, then announce you have to pack for the upcoming move and although sorry, just can't spend any more time helping her find assistance (not "providing" assistance, but finding it elsewhere).

3. Send her a lovely card stating how much you've enjoyed her friendship, taken pleasure in helping her in the past, and are now going forward, as you plan to continue your life elsewhere. It may not be possible, but try to focus on the fact that you're done, although you've made efforts to aid her in transferring reliance elsewhere.

Good luck.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2022
I think at this point the OP just wants to get packed up so she can move. With her own health problems, it may take a lot out of her. The last thing she needs to be doing is research. Hospice should have a SW affiliated with them. That person needs to find resources for this neighbor.
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To avoid work, I use my sick days. Now, my sick days are all used up, I am going to call in dead.

That's a joke I read sometime ago. But seriously, Baffled, you mentioned you have health issues of your own. Then, use that as the reasons to not work (for free.)

"Sorry, I'm not feeling well today."
"My __ has been hurting so much, I can't do anything today."
"I've got a doctor appointment that I need to go to."
"My medication makes me so dizzy, I can't focus today."
"Sorry, I am busy today. Lots of things to do to get ready for the move."
"Sorry, I'm gone."
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