I've cared for my dad for over 4 years. He had a vascular bypass done on his right leg, suffered a stroke after surgery, then had leg amputated below the knee. The original agreement was to help for a year while he regained movement on his left side and learned to walk again with a prosthetic. Once he was here, he started refusing appointments and did not want to work with any of the pt's who visited. He had a 2nd stroke and a seizure 6 mths later. Since then, there has been a noticeable decline in his memory, he's has hallucinations, and he has become violent towards me. He has been refusing to allow me to get any assistance, when the social workers have come out he will not sign for help. The neurologist finally agreed to do a scan, said there is abnormal brain activity, and referred us to a psychologist the first of this year. The psychologist put dad on medications and it seemed to help a bit at first. Now after his dosage has been increased twice, dad is yelling out my name every 30 mins-1 hour and saying things like "feed me", "turn my light off" (it will already be off), "I hate you", "I hope you can live with yourself when I'm gone". He will hit/throw anything within reach. Sometimes he will start sucking air in and out making a whistling noise and just stare at the ceiling. When I call his doctor, I get referred to the neurologist, who refers me to the psychologist, who tells me it's my fault for not being understanding of dad's depression and anxiety and then ups dad's meds. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's my fiancé, 10 yr old son, and me; none of us are getting more than a couple of hours of sleep and are all jumpy and on edge. It's to a point that I want to have myself committed just to get him the care he needs and to free my son and fiancé from this situation. None of the homes here will take him because he refuses to go.
I understand that you feel like what you feel is guilt, but you have correctly identified it as grief.
(((((((Hugs)))))))