I've cared for my dad for over 4 years. He had a vascular bypass done on his right leg, suffered a stroke after surgery, then had leg amputated below the knee. The original agreement was to help for a year while he regained movement on his left side and learned to walk again with a prosthetic. Once he was here, he started refusing appointments and did not want to work with any of the pt's who visited. He had a 2nd stroke and a seizure 6 mths later. Since then, there has been a noticeable decline in his memory, he's has hallucinations, and he has become violent towards me. He has been refusing to allow me to get any assistance, when the social workers have come out he will not sign for help. The neurologist finally agreed to do a scan, said there is abnormal brain activity, and referred us to a psychologist the first of this year. The psychologist put dad on medications and it seemed to help a bit at first. Now after his dosage has been increased twice, dad is yelling out my name every 30 mins-1 hour and saying things like "feed me", "turn my light off" (it will already be off), "I hate you", "I hope you can live with yourself when I'm gone". He will hit/throw anything within reach. Sometimes he will start sucking air in and out making a whistling noise and just stare at the ceiling. When I call his doctor, I get referred to the neurologist, who refers me to the psychologist, who tells me it's my fault for not being understanding of dad's depression and anxiety and then ups dad's meds. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's my fiancé, 10 yr old son, and me; none of us are getting more than a couple of hours of sleep and are all jumpy and on edge. It's to a point that I want to have myself committed just to get him the care he needs and to free my son and fiancé from this situation. None of the homes here will take him because he refuses to go.
We often talk about the "ER Dump" here on forum. It is our great controversy. Is it good? Right? Desperate but necessary? Awful? The only thing I can say, as an old nurse, is that there are times that it is the ONLY THING THAT WORKS.
As you have already proven to yourself over time, and can continue to prove to yourselves as long as you need to, there is no help for this forthcoming. There are times, esp. after anesthesia in the elders that there is no coming back. I highly suspect there is more going on here than depression. And what is going on isn't really the questions. The likely and awful truth may be that your father may be in a condition until his passing that requires medications to keep him somewhere hopefully out of anxiety, but still in the waking world. That alone is going to be almost impossible for doctors and staff. For a family? This is also impossible.
I know if you have been here you understand what the ER Dump is. It basically is trying everything else and coming up against a brick wall, then calling Emergency Services for transport to an ER. Dad should have a whole workup from a urinalysis to exam to neuro psyc, but the important thing is that on admission you make it clear your father cannot return to your home. You will have to tell them that you can no longer physically nor mentally take care of your father in your home and he cannot come back to it. They will call the social worker and he or she will try EVERYTHING to convince you otherwise from "no beds" to "covid" to "we can get help" to "we can make this work". Basically they will try anything and everything to get you to take Dad home.
As a nurse I feared lower extremities and vascular surgeries more than any other; I saw more very bad outcomes than any others. Your poor Dad has ended here thought no fault of his own, no fault of yours, and it is a tragedy. However, it isn't one that you and your son and your fiance should have to pay for with decades of your life, and it could destroy you young family.
It will take a while to consider all this, to speak with your fiance and others, to try to figure if you have tried everything else. And then I think you may end desperate enough that you have to at least consider what I have said. The Social Worker will find placement. It is what they do. She may have to even call a judge and get temporary guardianship for you (they can do this in minutes. For you it would be a lawyer, a court fight, 10,000, a loss and debt for life, but a social worker can wave a want and make it happen).
I am so sorry. For you ALL, and especially your poor Dad. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything can end with a feel good moment.