Mom has Congestive heart failure, AFib, Aortic Anuryism and is in a senior retirement home right now for 2 yrs. (independent living). She's been declining in health since January and spent 37 days in hospital in the spring and almost died. All the professionals have recommended Long Term Care. All the paper work is done, which took months and we're now waiting for a bed.
Mom has had 1 good week now this past week and is insisting she doesn't need to move. If you cancel this, we have to start all over again which will take several months.
I've tried to explain to her that this is a short relief period for her and to enjoy it, but that the edema is going to come back (which all the drs have told her) and if we cancel we'll be stuck.
The retirement home cannot provide the nursing care she needs but every day she's talking the same thing over and over.
Should I just humor her through these conversations or keep explaining the need for change? I've been her sole caregiver since 1987 when my dad died and I'm at a point where I need this to end. I'm 76 yrs old and feel like my life is on hold because of mom. I have fibromyalgia and two bad discs in my lower back as well. I'm still doing her laundry and errands because of her incontinence. Her legs and feet were so swollen, she couldn't life them into bed or our car. Every time we talk about it, she makes me feel so guilty and I start second guessing myself.
We're just waiting now for the phone call that a bed has become available.
Any advice on how to respond to her in the meantime?
All the best.
If that fails, are you mother's POA for decision making? If so pull rank and make the decision because frankly, she is unable to make the decision wisely, she is incapacitated to see things logically. If she kicks up a fuss, say mother, the other option is to have your mind asssessed to see if you are thinking straight. Hopefully it doesn't have to proceed to that, but sadly sometimes people need to go that far to proceed. Someone in authority (a doctor) telling her how it is also usually does the trick.
The other option is to increase services in home. She has to pay for them if she has the money. Again, pull rank as someone with sound mind. If she has no money to purchase services to to plan A.
she probably thinks death will shortly follow if she moves and is frightened, but the time has come.
Thanks so much for all the advice & support. I’m now in a much better frame of mind. ❤️
All good reasons why she has to go. No one to care for her.
This is now what she needs, not what she wants. No more discussions. She can't go back to Independent living. So sorry, I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done. You mention no Dementia but at 97 there has to be some cognitive decline and she really can't make a good decision. You may have to tell her a little white lie. Its not forever.
If you don't get more care from LTC than you will be burying me.
Disengage completely from any LTC comments or conversations and lose the guilt, she has obviously perfected her ability to control you. She needs a village and that is how it is. Time to stop enabling the sense of independence that is just a lie, she isn't independent and hasn't been.
I told my dad that certain things needed to happen or I walk away and never look back. He is your age and is going to do it his way, cool you can do that and I can not assist, everyone involved has choices.
Perhaps you should consider not visiting her every day, you might be triggering this thought in her mind. They seem to have a continuous loop in their minds, might be a way to break the loop.
"Mom, we are moving forward with the long term care."
"Mom, when the bed in long term care becomes available, you are going."
"Mom, it took me a lot of work to get you on the list for a bed in long term care and I am not changing those plans."
"Mom, your expectations are unrealistic and this is what needs to happen."