Lately my mother who has short term dementia has been unusually aware that her mind is not working right. She'll get frustrated and say, "I don't know what's wrong with me, my mind is all messed up this morning." "What's wrong with me?"
At first, I just said things like, "Don't worry, Momma, it's okay" but last time she said emphatically, "NO, it isn't okay!" And she's right. I've also tried explaining, "You have a condition called dementia and it keeps you from remembering things, but there's nothing we can do about it, so we'll just deal with it and work through it together." Although this works sometimes, she is still frustrated and, of course, she doesn't remember my explanation past the moment.
I'm wondering if anyone of you has had to answer this question and what response you gave that seemed to help calm their concerns.
Thank you for any ideas or advise.
* short answer(s) are best
* she won't feel so alone
* affirm her frustration and fear reflecting her words back to her as appropriate.
* Express words of comfort and support, such as "I'm here, I'll help you."
* I know some MDs refer to this as a small stroke. Be clear on diagnosis and use your own judgment in 'explaining' to your mom. I believe (I MIGHT BE WRONG HERE, although I have witnessed it) that some MDs DO NOT diagnosis dementia due to costs associated with a diagnosis. The diagnosis might depend on the severity and what kind of dementia. Sometimes I feel I am going down that road (I offer care management) although it could 'just' be anxiety and aging. The brain does change as we age. I am all too aware it is happening to me at age 67.
What you are saying when she asks is probably best. I wouldn't get into details that may be frightening (when she is understanding what you say). The word Alzheimers, for instance, may be scary during a period she understands thing. My grandmother called it - I'm having a short circuit right now. I know I should know your name, but it just won't come to me right now. Just be brief and move on to another conversation when you can.
Mom, “What is wrong with me?”
You, “is there something wrong with you?”
Mom, “I can’t think clearly.”
You, “What are you thinking about?”
What she is going through is terribly frightening and she needs constant reassurances.
End by telling her that everything will be okay, you are right by her side, she is loved.
If you tell her a thousand times that she is loved, you will be glad someday that you had the chance.
Tell her you understand her frustration. You could even tell her it frustrates you at times as well.
then give her a hug and tell her you love her and reassure her that you will do everything you can for her.
Yes, Mom will backfire with you on some of the reasoning that you use to try to assuage her. And this often caught me by surprise with Mom. While she had dementia, she still, at times, can reason. It's amazing.
Don't try to lead your Mom into believing that her brain/memory/life is okay...because it's not. I offer my Mom the options to believe, if she wants to, that whatever is happening to her is not under her control and that she just needs to roll with the punches. She seems pretty good, so far, with that analogy.
I think, it gives her some confidence that she is in control.
Hang in there, because the same questions will be popping up. Be prepared to answer honestly. In my Mom's case, I believe that she just needs to be reminded that she is going to be alright and that you are doing all you can to see to that.
We don't use that or any other word in that realm or even discuss the forgetfulness - in her mind she's old and entitled to forget now and then (sadly it ISN'T now and then, but you'll never convince her of that!!!)
I am registered nurse, and so is my mother. Even though we both were trained with the medical knowledge to understand an explanation of dementia, I know she is no longer able to comprehend this explanation...much less how it applies to her.
No matter what she asked, I always did provide her reassurance that I would be there for her, get her any help she needed, and always love her. Everyone has to navigate this pervasive challenge differently depending on their loved one's level of anxiety and level of impairment. Sometimes just holding Mom's hand and telling her "I'm not sure what's wrong, but I promise we will figure this out together" is all she needed to relax, and let go of the troubling thoughts she was having at that moment.