I'm working part-time and when at home (where I reside with mom age 97 with dementia and an active 102 year old dad who is deaf) I am busy tending to household needs like laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, appt making, shopping (for their needs).
I have crossed into the age band where I am now a "younger senior".
I work at a agency that helps older adults..so yeah, it often feels like I am living it 24/7.
One of my co-workers, a very sweet person whom I like is dealing with a health related family situation that happened suddenly/unexpectedly. The family member is currently out of the hospital and in rehab. The coworker is about 30 give or take. Has a father. Made comments to more than one of us about how dad wasn't eating well with the back and forth to the hospital. (Mom might have been the one to make dinner?)
Next thing I know...and I wouldn't have wanted to not be aware, I don't think......is that another co-worker set something up with a meals program they use at her own church to help people who are going through a rough time due to illness, death etc. It has specifics as to what they would want to eat, how to provide it (with containers to portion off so it can go in freezer for reheating) etc.
It's a list of days/dates and you can sign up as to what you will bring.
Clearly the person doing it is good-hearted. And then our leader chimed in with a follow up encouraging staff support which, because of her role/position made it seem more expected.
But my private reaction has been less than compassionate...it has been a bit angry. I again feel that the role of caregivers is not understood and taken for granted. (This has been demonstrated at the workplace as far as program planning). No one has ever offered me any help or assistance, and I feel this family can fend for themselves or learn to. Doesn't that sound heartless? And I really like this young co-worker. But my plate is full. I am exhausted by the end of the day when I come home and rush to make dinner for my folks. This just adds to my to-do list.
I am probably overthinking it all and just need to pass on the supportive aspect. I can't do it all. It doesn't mean I don't care. The woman who initiated it, imo, should have done what she wished to on her own. The director should have never sent the email she did but probably didn't realize how it would be taken at least by some of us. I think it would have been better to phrase it all in such a way as to let people know if they COULD, the person would appreciate it.
This request was seeking voluntary participation. If you feel guilty for not wanting to jump in, you can help in other ways, like pointing this staff member to resources such her area's Council on Aging, Meals on Wheels, online frozen food delivery services, social services. But don't feel guilty.
I missed where this was the parent of a fellow worker.
I think when something happens and it is new and raw people rush in to help. Think of the areas where a disaster strikes and there is all this help in the first few weeks...do you ever hear about what happens during the next year? No, people move on to another "cause".
I bet the same thing happens in the office, you deal with your stuff day in and day out, it becomes routine for you and it is part of your life. I bet there are people in the office that forget you are taking care of 2 aging parents with problems. When your coworkers parent has their crisis it is new and a cause to help out with...I bet if this continues for a while the "help" will die off as well.
Once it does (because if you say or do this now it will be taken the wrong way) maybe the office should establish guidelines for things like this. Like maybe a set timeline. If a coworker needs help like this maybe 1 week of bringing in frozen meals, or a slow cooker full of soup. But not a list that goes on for weeks. This puts some people/coworkers that might be in a tight financial spots them selves in a position where buying extra food means paying the electric bill gets put off a week just because they don't want to seem like they are not contributing. (did that make sense?)
I'm sure none of the negative reaction I am having was meant by the person who started this...but I recall there have been other times when she has done something so swiftly and efficiently there was a problem...not recalling specifics because I just go on. In the end, it is almost more of an office politics sort of situation. Also hazards of too many people knowing one's business and making assumptions in a small office. As in thinking how someone might have made a visible non-essential purchase while NOT contributing toward this good deed...
If been quietly dealing with it, or even saying the funny things that happen, folk forget or assume and think everything still ok - when in reality - as you’ve found - there are times when a hand or support would have been wonderful. The longer you care the easier in one way - yet harder in another it is. Caring is draining - don’t mean it to be but year on year on year it does become so.
I cared for a very long time and my work was with youngsters with disabilities. I saw first hand the amount and level of support for our youngsters and could only wish a fraction of that were directed for elderly care and support too.
But like you, it was very hard doing all waking hours helping others and my place of work was always trying to get more “voluntary “ help - we even had to come in some days as volunteers so the organisation looked good. Whilst they were aware I cared, it took many years of praise and awards publicly for work I was doing whilst being stabbed in the back behind the scenes. Eventually after many many years they took it to a new level which cause a lot of stress.
Thankfully that couple of decades are over with now. All I can say to you is that keeping a sense of humour against the odds is vital. I made part of my care routines (outside work) include how many times I could get them to laugh or if in too much pain at least smile.
Be kind to yourself - even if the only time you have is a cup of tea watching a beautiful sunset - enjoy it. The garden offered opportunities to “attack” the ground with spade or fork which meant it did the garden good whilst letting off some steam. Mind you there was one time I was going backwards checking the hose was “tucked in” tight to the garden so parents wouldn’t fall over it - and promptly fell over the wood chopper.. . Was stuck like a beetle on its back - heard dad go out back door and fall... oh boy - gotta laugh - it would have made a fantastic comedy routine!
Work is work - it brings in money, helps you feel productive and gives you a break from the other caring you do. There will always be those who seem to get extra help and support at work whilst you’re expected to be you and do what you’ve always done. I’ve had that happen many times. Take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back for achieving all you do.
From one who’s been there - May each day bring something to laugh about.
No further explanation is necessary.
There are churches that provide meals for the needy. There are food banks. So why is this being asked at work?
Just like these phony GoFundMe deals! I do no give to these types of charities. I give to people and organizations that I choose to give to. I don’t like being pressured.
It's not good for employers to do these type things. I've seen employers take collections of donated sick days for one sick person, and yet not another when both were equally sick and losing work hours! It's unfair to the people receiving (or not receiving!) and giving.
I'd just say no thanks, with no explanation. You're not obligated to give any help or explanation. You've got more than enough on your plate, and even if you didn't have so much of on your plate, you shouldn't have been put in that position.
Ah well, as they say, this too shall pass. And don't forget, the email went to ALL the staff members.
If you are working for an agency that helps people in situations like this on a daily basis situations like this can get expensive for staff.
This is why many organizations establish boundaries so that staff is not put in a situation where they feel like they have to help.
I think you should make it clear to your supervisor that you would love to be able to help out but you can not take the time nor expense of helping another family when you have your own caregiving going on when you get home.
If there are repercussions from you being unable to help out with this family this might be something that should be brought to Human Resources if it becomes a problem.
In other ways we do have some guidelines, like no accepting gifts, and we don't contribute or participate in political campaigns in a way that would cause conflict or confusion. We're also not allowed to solicit for selling of goods etc. I've already sent the director a short note saying that (no pun intended) my plate is full, in addition to being literally under the weather.
I seriously do not expect any repercussions at all if I choose not to participate in any way. We are way too small to have an HR dept so any complaints would make life very complicated and isn't worth it. As I said prior, I wonder if this poor girl felt compelled to agree and really just was sharing what was going on and didn't want or expect any help at all. Not only that...but as I think about it, we have a meal program that the daughter could purchase a lunch from for her dad to have...and it just makes me think of when my mom was in the hospital how my dad and I managed...granted it was for a week or less...but a week of fast food where there are some healthier options, won't kill a person. And if it is a financial issue...well, some frozen meals are on sale right now 4/$10. I really feel more and more like a grinch talking this way. I LIKE this young woman, I want to help...I think my issue is just how it was approached and the expectations and then the endorsement by the director...
You are absolutely f o r b i d d e n to bring food because you are ill.
Thanks for NOT DOING!
You are a good gdaughter, that is for sure.
PS, I am not the best of daughters...but I get a B+ for effort:-)
There is probably not a person checking the list to see who did not sign up, imo. It should have come across as a request for volunteers. But a heartfelt effort is not always a success, and has pitfalls.
If the church is organizing it, the volunteers are usually from church members, as I understand it, and the organizer would be a church member you would contact, usually, making only one who coordinates to avoid confusion.
I have read that it is best to align your help with the organization already doing the good work, not start your own with a smaller group of resources.
I would feel pressured and finagled too.
Tell them you are ALREADY providing this service!
It honestly doesn't sound like a program that is going to last, IMHO. Or maybe it works wonderfully well---I'm sorry you felt upset by it.
Compassionate service, given for a day, a week, a month, a year....is often the one sustaining thing that helps a family in crisis. Along with the food comes a sense of love and community and that is as nice as the meal.
I TOTALLY get the CG burnout--I have had to 24/7 care for my DH on 4 or 5 occasions and that meant I barely slept or had time to think. My church wanted to bring in meals, but we both had a couple of odd food allergies and couldn't be so picky as to say "Please don't use anything with MSG in it." I just cooked and cooked and went a little crazy each time.
Yes, the woman should have been more sensitive to all the coworkers home dynamics, but honestly, you know she meant well.
You have every right to feel what you feel. I am sorry you are worn out. This time of year, everything feels like you're walking through mud, doesn't it?