My mother refuses to go anywhere for a couple days to give me some needed quiet time. I moved in with her to be her caregiver almost 6 years ago after my father passed. She absolutely will not get in the car to go stay at her daughters house for even a couple days. She thinks she can stay by herself, alone for days. She will be 94 in October and has mild dementia. She has had 2 fires on stove, 1 in the oven, can not remember to take medications, bad knees, has fell several times, taken by squad to hospital, forgets to use the walker, she has trouble just using the phone. Sits in front of the TV while it’s not on because she can’t figure out how to use the remote, and the list goes on and on. The one daughter who has had her stay 2 times overnight years ago can not leave her home as she takes care of her husband. No one else to help out. We have packed her bags, put them in the car and she states as she is crying and pushing my sister out of her way “you will have to carry me out against my will and if you do I will call the police.” At this point you can not reason with her. The last time this happened I told her if she couldn’t do a couple days for me, then I would not go out of my way to take her anywhere. Like going to visit relatives 100 miles away, going on mini vacations with her, she could not go to her sons house many states away and stay “away from her home” if she would not give me some time alone. No more taking her to visit friends or any place else. Then the next day she asks to go somewhere. She will not let a stranger come in to stay with her so respite care is out. She literally digs her heels in and will not budge. And who wants to forcefully pick her up and put her in a car while she is throwing a fit? Certainly not me.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Is the plan for you to work yourself into an early grave taking care of this woman? Why is it that you think her life is worth more than yours?
Mum said "I'll be fine here". Really? Partially sighted, partially paraylsed, deaf, in a wheelchair, full assistance for everything. No-one has mentianed the *D* word but well...
Ok Dad. Put the *happy* away & bring out *common sense*. Short & to the point. "Mum. Dad needs this op. You need care. This is what will happen. No choice. You CAN choose what to take".
There is no reasoning with dementia though. I agree with AlvaDeer, like a 2 yr old. But unable to hoist over my shoulder lol.
She finally gave in as Dad told her it was respite care or permanent NH. Choose one.
She is flatly refusing the thought of respite for Dad's op #2. I will be advising her GP but I doubt she'd take any 'calming' meds. Even if next time we have to call an ambulance to transport her I won't have any guilt. She needs care & Dad has needs too.
SO DO YOU! You didn't give her Dementia, & you sure can't help her behaviour. Carers NEED a break or they can't care anymore. If your Mum can't understand, that's unfortunate but that doesn't change the FACTS that you will be away & she needs care.
So, put on the hard-hat of commonsense, put your foot down & enjoy a well deserved break. Good luck!
Thank you all again. We will see what happens.
I also concur with the other posts that say you need to start looking for a good place for her, or maybe if the in-home care works out you can do more of that (to a point, then it gets more expensive that a facility). Wishing you a refreshing rest for your weary self!
It is somewhat like having a two year old. For that we just scoop them bodily up. More difficult with Mom. But the fact is, if she cannot allow you a bit of respite and rest then you will not be able long to care for her in the home, I think. At least I couldn't.
Alert local police (the community policing office takes care of this) to the fact that mom may try to eject the caregivers but that they are there for your moms safety and protection.
When you return...
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and request a needs assessment.
You cannot continue to do this on your own. Mom can only stay in her home if she accepts help. If she won't, you need to leave, permanently and leave to to the authorities.