I am POA. I have letter of proof from medical provider that he should have high level of supervision and should not be making decisions. I took the keys 3 months ago and have been working with Uber and friends to get him to various places since then since I don't live in town and use servies to send things to him. Given he is only 66 and for other reasons, I did not want to immediately insist on him moving at the same time he lost his driving. But, a few months in, it's time and too much. But, he refuses when I tell him he cannot live alone and needs to transition to a place where others can help. He's able to do all of his own activities of daily living. It's all cognitive, Memory loss issues. He can't recover on his own to know what to do when he losses something. He knows to call someone for help but he has burned many bridges in life and those willing to help are few. And those who are willing are tiring of having to help. He manipulates and turns the conversation around anytime the subject comes up. How do I physically move him when he refuses? Are there social workers that help with this? I understand I could get conservativeship or Guardianship but that still does not explain how to actually get him moved?
This is a tough situation and one not easy to navigate.
The usual answer in that if you have an uncooperative elder, you very often need to wait for something bad to happen--a fall or severe illness that puts them in the hospital. Once admitted to the hospital, you can work with the discharge planners to get him safely placed.
If friends nearby call YOU to say he needs more supervision, encourage them to call Adult Protective Services to report him as a vulnerable adult. You should do this as well. They will tell you that as long as he can do his ADLs, they can't force him into care, but it gets him on their radar
Another good resource is the local Area Agency on Aging. They can offer a needs assessment and case management services.
You'll tell your Dad that his residence has a 1) gas leak, 2) bug infestation, 3) water main break so no water or heat or a/c or whatever... and tell him you've arranged for him to temporarily stay in an apartment. Don't tell him too far in advance since he won't remember. Once he's in, he's in.
Respectfully, based on what you've written in your post, you don't have a full understanding of how to deal with people with ALZ. I found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be immensely helpful. People with dementia lose their abilities of reason and logic, and therefore, judgment. They also lose their ability to empathize with others. This is why you simply cannot try to "reason" him into moving -- that ship has sailed and you need to use another technique. That's where the therapeuctic fibs come in. It is perfectly moral and ethical to do this since you are operating in your Dad's best interests and they are not harmful or destructive fibs.
Also, with memory loss, even if you could persuade him one day, he'd forget it the next. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart in this process.
You need to get yourself into the mindset that you now make all of Dads decisions. When I took Mom to a diner with us the first time, I handed her a menu. Next time it was 3 choices I knew she liked. Later, 2 choices then it was just Liver and Onions one of her favorite things. I never asked her if she wanted a bath, because the answer would have been NO. I just said "time for a bath". They can no longer make decisions. And its really not right to ask them to try and make one. The brain is broken, actually dying.
Anyway , after a heart attack was ruled out , they did cognitive testing , finally diagnosing dementia ( Mom had been refusing to go to a neurologist and her primary ( family physician ) was useless , he just said go to a neurologist or a geriatrician ) . When Mom left the hospital she went straight to assisted living facility that I had chosen via ambulette with 2 men . If I had taken her in my car Mom would have refused to get out of the car . I was lucky the AL could take her sooner than expected .
Try calling your County Area of Aging .
Good Luck
Those are both very difficult hurdles to get over, especially when someone’s cognitive abilities are beginning to slip. But, after my dad passed away, I sat down and did the numbers. And my mother was much better set financially for a transition into a care home than I would have thought.
It helped a lot to take my mother over to a couple selected assisted living facilities to visit. Not just one visit, several. There was a welcoming committee of women that made it a point to come over and talk to my mom each time we went to visit. We did not have an opportunity to have meals there, but she was able to see the kinds of things that were being served. Actually getting her eyes on the place, and meeting some of the people there, made a huge difference in her buy-in.
I would like to comment also on how much of a difference good food and low stress can make in a person’s health and cognitive ability. There have been several couples that moved into my MIL’s IL facility that were on a pretty steep path of decline. Once they got settled in, and began eating regular, nutritious meals, their mental health stabilized dramatically, and they were able to stay in IL for many years. It was impossible over the last years to get my parents to eat good nutritious food. They lived— literally— on cocoa and English muffins. The reality is that they were not very hungry, and they ate junk all the time, with truly no real food. I live many hours away. I cooked for them and filled the freezer. The food went untouched, still there when I came for my next visit. There was a wonderful meals on wheels program in our city that I tried, and the food really was very good, and they kept turning off the service because they didn’t have anywhere to put the food. (!) Because they were not eating it. One visit, I found bags of the food sitting out on their back porch, rotting and spoiling. And they continued to eat English muffins and drink cocoa with extra whipped cream and marshmallows.
Anyway, all of the good care, and all of the good programs in the world don’t make any difference if your loved one refuses to participate in them. By the way, my parents also refused home care. The couple of times that we tried to dip our toes into home support were disasters. One aide stole their medications, and another was just a very bad personality fit. All of the home care people that came to our house treated my parents like they were idiots. I hear great stories about home care people from time to time, so I know good people are out there, we just didn’t find them in time for it to make a difference. And again, being many hours away, I wasn’t able to manage that as well as I would’ve liked.
Good luck with your search!
My mom lived with me for 7 years. Cognitive impairment came, soon followed be dementia and then the doc said no driving and then declared her incompetent which activated my DPOA. When her living here, even with caregivers, was too much, I decided it was time for AL. I found a place and applied as her POA. When the time came, I told her 2 days before that she was moving. She was pissed! But I stayed firm though I was very upset at her outburst. I just said something about it being too much work and helpers were always calling out sick and she would be better off with more help and socialization. And that it was for me since I was too busy with babysitting for my grandkids. The next day, my husband I set up her apartment and the next morning I brought her over. While it was a big of a challenge, she quickly accepted it and adjusted to it. She doesn't love it there and never will but that's ok. At 80 with dementia, there aren't many good options. And no matter where she lives, she won't be happy since dementia makes their lives so difficult.
I agree with using therapeutic lies. Your situation if perfect for them. Do what you need to do for him to be taken care of and safe. He doesn't have to like it.
Best of luck!
He needs a Memory Care facility, not assisted living. Don't make a mistake and put him in the incorrect level of care, because you don't want to do this a second time if you can help it. He appears to have early onset Alzheimer's or another dementia, so that's what you need to focus on when selecting a facility. Memory care is a locked facility with lots of supervision and activities designed to stimulate their minds. It's the best place for his particular needs.
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