Hi. My family is very complicated. My mother and grandmother haven't talked in probably almost a decade. They hate each other.
Recently my grandmother has been showing signs of dementia and she needs help. My sister and I are only in our 20s. We dont know what to do or how to help her. I've told my mother all about whats going on and she refuses to help at all. All we need is to get her to an assisted living or something but I don't have the legal power to do so. I feel so stuck. I dont feel comfortable leaving my nana by herself because she falls and forgets things. She lost her phone and keys for several days and forgets to eat. What am I supposed to do?
Whatever you do... do not move in with Nana.
Do not move her in with you.
Do not quit school/work to care for her.
If by some chance you feel competent to make care decisions and to manage grandmother's affairs you may be appointed as temporary guardian through social services should grandmother need this. Do know this is a difficult difficult job including the handling of finances which need meticulous record keeping or can land you in a world of woe with charges of elder financial abuse.
Don't take on too much right now. Request a wellness check with APS in your area.
Don't be too hard on your own mom for refusing to be a caregiver to hers. You don't know how her life was growing up. I find that when adult kids refuse to help their elderly parents the reasons for refusing to do so are always valid. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
Please don't be too hard on your mom. I am moderately estranged from my own mother and I know I'm being judged very harshly by people who don't know, and never will know, the whole backstory.
However, I have zero say in any of her care, so I can sit back and just be an observer.
It is daunting, but not as bad as it sounds. I wish you luck in finding a new situation for your nana and peace for you as you make these choices for her.
You are beyond kind to do this. God bless you!
You have the power to sumond a social worker as a relative because you have Duty of Care as every human being does with one another. Do not rely on the opinion of your mother as she actually doesn't want to be involve (and she is laying also the foundations of how she would like to be treated when she is older and fragile).
A social worker will assess your granny's condition and bring carers at specific times when support is needed (personal care, meals and medication for example). Provide emotional support for her: visit, phone and take her out -even for a garden or park-...connect. It is highly rewarding as you bring human companionship to her life and sweet memories to your heart when she's gone.
Second you cannot take this on by yourself. It’s all too complicated and you have a life to live. There are experts out there in the field. My mother never wanted anyone to be her POA. She thought that she would be competent forever and life would just go on. She didn’t recognize how her life was falling apart and her health was failing. She still thinks she can drive and live on her own even though she cannot even bathe, toilet, or dress herself. I would recommend contacting Adult Protective Services. Explain your concerns and tell them she has no caregiver. They may find her competent or they may be able to help her with some in-home services to start. My mother refused all help and it wasn’t until she had been sent to the hospital twice and was found to be in a bad situation that I was able to intervene and get her to a safe place. But before that, she refused all care and Adult Protective Services found her to be “just fine.” My mother was great at covering and the best liar in the world!
Third, I work in tandem with my spouse and daughter. I have done the hard work of pulling all her paperwork together, talking to an elder care attorney, finding her an affordable AL and paying her bills. I communicate with her professional care team. But I have no contact with her. It was too traumatic for me and she was very abusive, even with dementia. My daughter does the hard work of visiting with her on occasion and fielding her many crazy phone calls. My spouse will run errands and provides me with tons of emotional support.
I never discussed much the history of my abusive relationship with my children. I worked hard at giving them a better life. And my mother appears to be a sweet and caring person to the outside world. But she has isolated herself from almost everyone due to her behavior and likely undiagnosed mental illness. I tried many times over the years to point my mother in better directions so she wouldn’t have to live the life she does now. But was always met with hate and scorn.
No one should have to care for a person they hate.
If you have a good relationship with your grandmother try asking her what her wishes are when she needs help. See if she has put together any paperwork. Call Adult Protective Services. But don’t expect a miracle. You may have to wait for a major health crisis for anything to happen. And don’t expect any Hallmark moments.
Please keep us posted.
But it sounds like from your description that your Gran needs more care than an AL will provide.
So what are your next steps? Gran needs a Needs Assessment, this will determine how much help she needs for her Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) and what level of care is appropriate. You can contact her doctor, a local seniors agency or APS to ask about the needs assessment.
Correct. You have the clarity to see the issue right there.
Nana needs help but she can't or won't accept it.
So you are now in the *awaiting a crises* to get any change happening.
Follow the advice to involve APS.
Maybe call Nana very night to check in? Advice her local Police you may call for welfare checks if she does not answer.
Call EMS if there is immediate danger, fire or a fall. Especially falls. If you respond to her phone call & go & pick her up it won't change. Either call EMS & meet them at Nana's house, or even better, at the hospital. If there is no trustworthy adult at the home there is more chance they will transport her. (This has worked for me!)
I would call APS. Let them evaluate and see what kind if resources there are available. If they feel GMa needs 24/7 care and Mom can't provide it, you may have to allow the state to take over. Do not let them tell u there is help for you to take advantage of. Just had a cousin go thru this and was given very little info on how things work. Wish he had me involved to a point because I would have asked certain questions he was not aware of. He called me after the effect.