What do you say to a caregiver when they do something you would have expected them to ask permission for first?
My brother (who lives with Mom) has been in the hospital. So for a few days per week, I have a caregiver staying overnight at Mom’s to give me a break. This caregiver does end up cleaning to pass the time while Mom is sleeping, and I do appreciate it. She has also finished Mom’s laundry for me. Today, though, when I was cleaning up the laundry room, I found the caregiver’s dirty laundry that had fallen on the side of the washing machine — hers and her boyfriend’s underwear. Grossed me out.
I am not sure what I would have said if she had asked before she did her own laundry. But, the fact is, she didn’t. I guess she figured with no one here, how would anyone find out?
In addition, a few weeks ago, I noticed Mom was missing a bathroom towel. I asked the caregiver if she had seen it. She said she hadn’t. There are no places to hide/misplace a towel at Mom’s. Mom only has 2 good towels, and that was one of them. I realize towels are not that expensive, but I hate losing things. It is more the principal of the thing.
I feel like saying to her something like: “I found some of your soiled laundry when I was cleaning up he laundry room. I didn’t realize you were doing your laundry here. Can you please check your things to see if you inadvertently took Mom’s towel?”
Am I over-reacting? As time went by today, I thought I would feel differently and would have calmed down about it, but I haven’t...
ON Cg's are really harder, as they have many hours of "downtime"..at least she is cleaning and not eating you out of house and home.
How is she with mom? Any complaints?
If she is from a different culture, it could be that 'borrowing' someone's washer is not a big deal. My client routinely had me clean her carpets and then offered me the use of the carpet cleaner for my own home.
Maybe she just needs a little reminder of what you expect of her as far as duties while she's there. I wouldn't jump to conclusions and if mom is happy and content and you are getting a break---what's a little soap between you all?
If she's defensive and gets ugly, just fire her. But I personally would give her another chance.
The overnight thing is new, and hopefully we will not need to do that after this week. My brother is normally here when the CG is here. She relieves me. We needed the occasional overnight while my brother is in the hospital. I stay most of the other nights. My other brother stays about once per week, and comes during the day sometimes to relieve me. But he can’t change Mom’s pants, so I have to come back unless the CG is coming. Hospice helps in the mornings during the week.
My only complaint is that CG sometimes cancels at the last minute. That means I have to fill in, which normally isn’t a big deal. But, I do schedule my appointments around the times she is at Mom’s, so that can be an issue.
But, with all that being said, she is the best we have had in the past 2 years (and not from a different culture). I recently advertised on a neighborhood website, but the only ones who replied were recommending their agencies. So, I am stuck right now.
If my brother (who is in the hospital) passes before Mom, we may move her to my other brother’s house. That will be closer to my house; and we may not need the CG as much.
I want to mention the laundry issue to the CG, but not so she will get defensive. The fact that she does it when no one is here, makes me think she knows it is not the right thing to do. I don’t know what she is washing, though. I mentioned to my brother the other day that I heard a lot of sand or something going up the dryer vent hose when I turned it one. I found that odd because I had only washed Mom’s towels and clothes that day. Now, it seems it is something the CG washed...
Sorry for rambling....
But bottom line is this, towel missing, other things missing, not asking, dropping and leaving own clothes on floor. Nope, that's a fired on the spot thing for me. If you cannot trust them with LAUNDRY then you cannot trust them with your loved one. Too many people need jobs. Don't need that one, BYE BYE!
You are NOT over reacting.
I would ask point blank about the towel ending up in her laundry, I have known people that are petty enough to take 1 of your 2 good towels. Her reaction to being caught will tell you much.
No responsibility amd excuses means she has to go.
Contrite and apologetic for not asking maybe one more chance with some fine lines clarified.
My mom had a caregiver through an agency whose personality I never really clicked with and there were always little incidents when she was working; once I came home to find an unlit gas burner turned on and she was completely oblivious, twice she had mom on the floor. People on the forum assured me that accidents happen but once I got rid of her all of it stopped, in that case I should have trusted my instincts.
The caregiver was passed out asleep on the couch from drinking while her toddler was running around the house unattended.
The caregiver was sent from an agency. She immediately told the woman to leave and not come back. She called the agency to inform them of what happened.
In my experience if someone does or take small things and you don't say anything than they will start taking big things.
I agree with Cherrysoda; I would fire her on the spot. She is stealing from you whether it is small things or using your washer/dryer without your permission. How can you trust her to take care of your mom? You can't!!!
I have to ask...what is this world coming too?
My brother will be in he hospital all or most of next week (if, of course, he makes it through his procedure on Monday.). I just feel that this whole thing with the caregiver is just wrong, and I am trying to figure out what day I should have her stay this week, if any. I initially got her through an agency, but she left the agency and I kept her on. I can’t afford to use an agency again. Part of me just wants to spend the night every night and not use he caregiver, but that will be hard on me, too.... My other brother is pitching in some, but he can’t stay every night. He is tonight, though...
It is a shame that you even have to go this far. That logic dictates you don't use peoples things without permission. It really is stealing. You are using water and detergent you don't pay for. Bad for them putting you in this position to have to reprimand them.
The CG’s boyfriend does not live with her. He lives 2 hours away, but visits on most weekends.
It might be a good idea to leave a few coins out and see if they disappear. That would be another indicator.
What gets me about agencies, or at least the one my caregiver worked for and the one I contracted with, was that the owner charges $3 more per hour after 5:00, extra when the caregiver lives more than 10 miles from the client, and a variable rate based on the CG experience/licensing. But, the caregiver gets the same amount ($16), no matter what, and not the full mileage allowance collected by the owner. I left that agency because I felt she was nickel and diming me. Not to mention, the first girl she sent me was a high school student who had never taken care of anyone, let alone understood aphasia and how to take care of toileting needs of a 94-year-old..... (Boy, was I upset!) But, I gave the owner another chance because she was a friend of a friend.
Make sure the boyfriend is not there also when you are gone.
Always make a few surprise visits, when you are employing someone.
See All Answers