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I’m so glad to see that you value your time with your wife. She has a good man! Be proud of that.

I can’t help but wonder how your dad would have reacted had his father asked him to do what he asked you to do.

Very often, people who ask these enormous favors from others have never made these kinds of sacrifices themselves.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your dad on the other hand, should feel uncomfortable about putting you on the spot.

I wonder how your mom felt about him asking you to help. Did she know and go along with it? Or was she kept in the dark about his plan to recruit you?

You are wise not to open up the door to being a caregiver to your parents. It would never end. It’s better if you allow them to figure it out for themselves.

Enjoy your trip with your wife!

Your dad will have to find other resources for care.

I can’t imagine asking my daughters to turn their lives upside down for my husband and I. They deserve to live their own lives.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. My Dad used this one with me. I was 13 and was out of town with my Mom and ended up in the hospital. He says he was working 3 jobs at the time but dropped everything to be there with me and that I should do the same. My mom is confused with possible early dementia so I highly doubt he consulted her or knows that he asked. He may tell her that I am not coming and will like skew it so I look bad. I agree and when he asked me I thought, that is something I would never ask my own son…or if I did would not be upset if he couldn’t do it for whatever reason.
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This is about more than the current crisis.
This is about what is looking like the long slide down we elders eventually enter. I am 81. I know.

You have excellent answers already.
You likely are not a licensed nurse. What possible "help" could you be in this?
I think that your father needs to hire help in to deal with the initial coming home, and if he realistically cannot care for his wife on discharge then her transfer from rehab to home should be changed to rehab to a care facility for some period of time: which may or may not move to permanently.
You don't say how your mom is doing. Is her mentation good? How is recovery going? Up and about and eating and pooping? Or otherwise?

Beatty is right. He is very frightened and asking for your support to simply BE THERE. He can't see how he can handle this and is unable to say that. Your "being there" may only enable a transfer he isn't capable of handling/of being caregiver for.

I often tell grown children to move 1,000 miles away. Looks like you did, of THEY did as you say they have option of a home in YOUR area but have not chosen it, and plan to sell it.

You have a family, a life, a job. Your parents are on the long slow slide now. You are not going to be able to be there and your father needs to engage now with the medical community in discharge planning to recognize and understand what caregiving he can or cannot do at home.

I wish you the best. I am certain you're suffering guilt to an extent in that you cannot be there for him now. But "now" is--sad to be this brutally honest--the tip of the iceberg in where all this is going now. And you are not going to be able to be there. If they chose to live where they have a home near you, you could be more available to help. In all honestly, that sometimes DOES only enable a couple to ignore the fact that they cannot manage life on their own now, and should enter care, whether at independent living level or ALF level.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply.
In the past 5 years Mom has had a hip replacement, Afib, a heart attack, mini stroke, hears voices, gets confused, this last surgery left her with an Ostomy bag, currently has a UTI. I actually only moved a couple hundred miles from where they originally lived. They moved the 1000 miles. When they bought the home up here he said that he didn’t want to disrupt our lives…yet now that he has chosen to be down there he wants to disrupt our lives. I agree this is going to likely get worse and it feels like the relationship is at stake.
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Fear. Dad is sh1te scared & lashing out.

Are you a nurse? A surgical or rehab nurse? A personal care aide?

Some of my family at various times have seemed to think I was a nurse, taxi driver, general maid, & must be sitting around awaiting them to schedule my calender.

A couple of factors become visable to me.
1. Asing for help is hard.
Easier to hint or pressure family than ask others.
2. Trust. Easier to trust family than others/strangers.
3. Stress. When stressed, problem-solving skills get weak. Easier again to make family the solution.

Any of that make sense or apply to your situation?
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. No I am not a nurse or skilled in in home care. I can fully acknowledge his fear and have compassion for this situation that really sucks for him. And what you say is true…all of it…but how to navigate his resentment if I don’t or cannot do what he wants is where I am at.
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I doubt that you are qualified to take care of a bowel surgery patient. Tell him that.

My dad had surgery to remove a tumor in his colon at age 91. No way was I prepared to take that on. I hired a home caregiver team for all his waking hours and it still wasn’t enough. We ended up with 24/7 live-in care plus relief aides. Plus OT, PT, and others coming to the house. I wish he’d gone to a skilled nursing facility because it would have been better for him and for the family.

Enjoy your vacation with your wife. Life is short.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. That is my thought exactly…I am not qualified here. While I may be willing to help with her care how would she feel. What am I supposed to do…help him with her bathing and bathroom? That would mortify and embarrass her. Am I supposed to cook for him? I can offer whatever emotional and informational assistance but it seems unreasonable and unfair to expect what he is expecting.
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Me and my husband are thinking of taking a cruise in January, I am worried about my mom, January is a hard month for her, and seems to be the month that her health slips back because of her anxiety at Xmas time.

But honestly I can't let myself go there anymore, I can't put my life off for her anymore. If we do decide to go at this point in my life after 4 years of her taking over my life and if we pay for and plan and look forward to a vacation I'm going, even if she is on hospice.

Which sounds cruel but you have to live and enjoy your life, life is to short not to. You have planned this gotten excited for it. You deserve this!

We can only do as much as are mental health will allow us. Go and enjoy yourselves!
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Anxietynacy Jun 21, 2024
I wanted to add that stopping a vacation for mom wouldn't do that to my husband. Who has been so supportive of me, emotionally financially, ect....

It wouldnt be fair to him
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"She may be discharged from rehab soon but my Dad is unable to take care of her on his own. He asked me if I could come down there for a few weeks to help him."

So what happens when the few weeks are up and you have to come home? It has already been established that dad is now unable to care for mom on his own, so a new plan needs to be hashed out by dad and mom. Does dad expect you to move in and take care of mom forever? Sounds like mom needs to be moved into a facility or in home caregivers need to be hired by dad if he can afford it.

You had your trip planned since January. Go on your trip. Believe me this will not be the last crisis that comes up with mom (and then dad) and before you know it a decade will have passed by and you will still be waiting to take that trip. Take the trip.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. Exactly. That is why I do not feel wrong about choosing the trip.
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Dad is pouting because he’s not getting his way. If he can’t care for mom it’s time for him to make a plan, and there’s no reason that plan has to be you. It’s up to each of us to plan for our needs. Mom will either need help brought into her home or to go where help is available. Make no apology to them about this. You’ve already visited and been supportive. You can provide them the contact information for home health agencies in their area if you want to be helpful now. Enjoy you vacation minus any misplaced guilt attempt by dad
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sp196902 Jun 21, 2024
Exactly. I was wondering what dad will do once the "few" weeks of son helping out are done.
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