My husband has been diagnosed with parkinson's and I have spondylolithisis. I worry that I won't be able to take care of him later when he needs me. How will I know that he can no longer handle the finances? How will I know when he should stop driving? What will happen to him if I get confined to a wheel chair?
Bless you and may God perfect you and your family through these experiences.
If you have a distant child who is trustworthy and good with money and computers, you could set up bill-paying through him or her. That could be set up fairly easily. We use Quicken software to pay all our bills, which keeps things easy. No need for stamps. You might need two checking accounts, one for the local daughter and one for the bill payer to use. Your income is deposited in one, and a fixed amount is automatically transferred to the other account each month. Discuss this now so you can set it up if you need it.
Discuss with your children how responsibilities might be divided, and the possibility of paying the child who does the most for you. In my family, my mean but honest brother took over the paperwork. I'm the sweetiepie, and I did the direct care. My sister, who is strong and wise but impatient, got the phone calls when Daddy wanted to kill himself, and spelled me on caregiving. Each child should contribute based on his or her strengths and weaknesses and personal situation, but all should contribute in some way, so the kids will still love each other when you're gone.
I forget whether your husband is in denial or not. As far as driving is concerned, does he have a friend whose judgment he trusts? Can he take that friend for a drive or two every 6 months or year for a neutral opinion? If the friend expresses concern, he can go to an official testing site run by AARP or AAA for evaluation.
How will you get around when he has to stop driving? Look into local resources like public transit, taxis, or ride services for elders and disabled. Find out now, and the future won't look so scary.
Do some research on local services and facilities. Tour the fanciest, most unaffordable ALF "just for the fun of it." Start listening to what people say about local NH's. Find out what agencies provide in-home care. Does anyone in the community have a great reputation as a freelance health-care aide? He/she would be cheaper, but not bonded, probably. At least here in MA, it's not too expensive to do a CORI - criminal background check. Hang around the Senior Center to pick up useful information and make contacts.
If you have plans in place, it will be easier for your local daughter to do her part, and it will be easier for her to call on her siblings for help and support as needed.
Will your husband go along with this if he thinks it's for the distant future? If he resists, tell him you are lying awake at night worrying about it, and he needs to do it for your peace of mind.
If you have a child who is nearby and who you trust, start the process now while you're both still able to figure out what's best for you. If no children are nearby or who will act on your behalf, start investigating support services. Agency for Aging, your local government agencies (like here, there are township services that do a lot for seniors). Or ask your children to help you investigate what services are available. See an elder care attorney to help you set things up if your children can't help you.
In my case, my parents moved near me to an independent living facility. My dad lived there for nine years and passed away in 2009. My mom is still there and going strong at 93. I handle all of her affairs and take her everywhere, etc. But we set that up 12 years ago, before it was at a crisis stage. Good luck and keep us posted.