My mother needs in-home care to come and help with meds/meals and just a few light issues during the day. Side note: I do not live with my mom. She refuses home health care, says I am trying to put her in jail and she doesn’t want anyone there. The doctors say she will need help “soon.” In my opinion, soon is here because she is either completing tasks at a snail’s pace or procrastinating all together until the last nanosecond and then crying for hours or throwing a tantrum like the worst behaved toddler ever. How do you help someone with diminished capacity who doesn’t want anyone’s help?
I am a CNA and Home Health Aide and have been working with seniors who refuse to go into a care home or have been there and returned back home. This never works. What happens is that they fall into a condition called self-neglect. Many of these people have mild cognition problems and just aren't functioning at a level where it is deemed safe any longer. The home care agencies are aware of this and will keep sending aides in these homes knowing that once an aide leaves after a shift, the client is on their own, They will have problems getting meals prepared while trying to navigate a walker or cane, problems with toileting resulting in accidents, house clutter, unable to walk up and down steps to do laundry, and unable to pay their bills and house taxes in a timely manner.
Sending in an aide can only cover the basics. However, these seniors need help managing their finances and other areas of living. It will become too much for any adult child to manage two households, marriage and job for the long term. Some caretakers may even have children still residing at home.
There are no easy answers for stubborn seniors refusing to see what poor conditions they are actually living in. They live in denial because a family member is being a prop. I've had seniors actually think they are doing all of the work in comparison to what I'm assigned to do while I'm on shift. These people do very little for themselves and most of them can barely make it to the toilet in time before having a bowel explosion all over the bathroom.
I started out in this field of home health care in the mid eighties. Seniors were a different breed back then and many went into care homes once it was time to give up their homes. These seniors weren't as entitled back then even though I did run into one case where the client was set on doing her own thing at times. She eventually ended up moving to the "Big Apple," into a nursing home. Her nephew moved her there to be near family.
People are living longer to the point that the medications still keep the heart pumping even when the brain is no longer functioning. Some of these seniors have better lab results and blood pressures than their caretakers.
When it comes time for placement, it is no longer about trying to maintain what is best for the senior. Placement is not the end for them or a Way Station before the final plunge into the abyss. They will get their three meals, have a bed and pillow to lay their heads and twenty four seven medical care. There are activities planned for them to enjoy.
However, caretakers may hasten their own demise if they don't learn to put first things first, and that is making sure that their own health and safety is intact. At this point, it is coming to the grim realization that we can't continue on this treadmill of putting ourselves last. It is now about our survival and living out our lifespans to the best of our ability.
We learn how to get out of the "FOG" of fear, obligation, and guilt moving towards acceptance of knowing that we've gone as far as we can with this journey. Life happens and cycles. These parents are in their twilight years and are almost in completion of a life cycle. There is no getting around this, and no amount of fear, obligation and guilt is going to change this.
When it comes down to stubborn seniors and their wants, do what is best for you no matter how much they protest. Some people you can never please.
Just realize, you've reached this point and now it is time to make a decision.
There is a huge entitlement problem and expectations these days with many . My mother and in laws were terrible . My father was the only sensible one.
And now my sister with dementia is giving my nephew a bad time .
I agree that we have to take care of ourselves first . At some point it comes down to self survival. And I agree it’s pointless to try to make them happy .
After my mother was placed she was absolutely horrendous. I resorted to telling her
“ I did not make you old Mom. And I can’t fix old .”
If I could , I would give Scampie an award for this accurate take on caregiving these days.
I called the County Agency of Aging .
A very wise social worker told me “ stop helping , let her fail . “ The social worker came out to my mother’s house and deemed her unsafe to live alone . This is how I got mom out of her house and placed in assisted living .
Look on your mother’s county website under elder services , or dept of Aging etc . They are called different names in different areas. Get a social worker to help .
Period.
And I doubt you can afford 24/7 safe care for her.
Exclamation point.
Your mother is refusing to hire in help and care.
As long as this is HER DECISION and not YOUR DECISION as POA there is absolutely nothing to do but await "the call".
"The Call" comes from either hospital ("We have your mom her in ER") or coroner ("We are so sorry to have to tell you that....") or neighbor ("Oh my God! Irma has fallen on the patio. There's blood everywhere".)
Then you will act.
It is either that, or, if mom is still able to compute what you are saying, and what the doctor is AVOIDING, you have the sit down with her that she is no longer safe. That if she will not accept help now you will back away, as you are enabling her very poor decision to be alone.
Only YOU know what mom is up to daily and how things are going. We don't have a clue. But the time of few options is here. And the times of decisions and who will make them is on the doorstep.
If you simply await "The Call" then when she is in hospital (if she makes it there) you will have the Social Workers to help you arrange the letters for POA, and to arrange safe placement for you mom.
If she doesn't make it there because she chose unwisely to stay home without help then understand that may be her preference. I am 83. More and more and more I understand the option to leave your home feet first, rather than spend another year or two where you don't want to be.
That's the facts. They are brutal. Truth often is. Not everything can be made happy-all-the-time, or even "fixed". I wish you all the very best. There's no black and white in this stuff. It is a fog of grey you can't see through.
what you say. Thank you.
Assuming that there are no "get out of jail free" cards in play, you will need to try something else. Answer this because I know you know the answer: Who is propping her up so she can avoid home health, a care facility or dying? That's you, m'dear. Yup, for sure.
You won't change her behavior, you know that. You must change yours. That means stop propping. That means getting a doctor to write orders that she needs to go into care. Or it means next time she throws a tantrum, you call 911, say you can't help her, she's having a psychotic break or a hissy fit or you don't know what's wrong, you're so frantic, please help her, and she goes to the ER. Then she never goes home.
These aren't easy solutions, but there are none. Many of us have been through similar. We just have to suck it up and get rid of the problem somehow. You've got good ideas offered here, and I wish you luck in finding something that will work.
She refuses home health aides because she wants to force you to do it all. Step back , stop helping her . And like Barb said , tell her you can’t do it anymore .
Tantrums …… She is beyond part time home health anyway. She can’t cope living alone . Mom needs placement, IMO.
A senior having tantrums doesn't mean they're ready for memory care or AL yet. Believe me, the tantrums and hysterics stop when they get no attention. When there's no audience, there's no performance. My mother still tries with the occasional tantrum and hystrionics with me and she gets zero reaction or attention from me and is coping just fine with her homecare people.
Homecare can work and it's worth a try. The mpther may need a live-in companion to move in. Assisted living could be a good option if the mother can afford it.
My aunt fully belongs in a facility. She is adamant that she will not leave her home. It was hinted that I move in and take care of her. NOT. She doesn't want help from anyone. I believe my cousins hired part time assistance for her, which, in my humble opinion is not enough.
I think in this case, like everyone else said, you need to step back and let the chips fall where they may. There isn't anything that you can do.
I had a POA, but it didn't go into affect until she was declared incapacitated. I was told to go to court with her and fight with her to get her into a facility. I don't live in the same state as my aunt and I didn't have the money, nor energy to do all of this. I also work.
I stepped back. I think that is your only alternative.
The short answer is...you don't.
Often you just have to wait for an "incident" to happen(and guaranteed it will sooner or later)before drastic measures can be taken to ensure their safety and care.
But until then, you just sit back and let your mother dig her own hole. You don't offer to go over to help her, nor do you continue to enable her in any way, as then perhaps she will come to the realization that she really does in fact need help.
~Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn~
Make it very plain to your mother that she either accepts and works WITH outside homecare help, or you are walking away. When she's working herself up into hysterics and having a tantrum, you should be ignoring her anyway. Make sure you start ignoring her when this behavior starts up. This is a manipulation tactic to get you to do what she wants on her terms. Stop playing her games. I have another saying that I have told many, many seniors and their family caregivers.
~Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's~
Your mother and yourself need to understand this because it's true. You stop propping her up and putting out her fires for a while. When she starts up with the hysterics and tantrum you tell her you don't want to hear it and you won't be coming to help her. That she has a choice which is accept homecare to help her live safely in her home, or deal with the consequences she causes for herself on her own. Then do not go there and do not help her. You do not listen to her complain to you, or cry, or carry on. Sometimes with this kind of stubbornness you have to let the person fail for a while.
Please show your mother this post. It comes from a person who has seen many seniors like her get put into nursing homes permanently because of their own stubbornness.
She can afford the best, so we took her to tour an independent living facility last night. The community is fairly new and absolutely beautiful. She scowled practically the whole time. It was quite embarrassing, although the staff member assured us this is a common occurrence.
Not looking for any advice here - just venting. I think we all know we may need to set her up the best we can - and then let her live independently, like she wants - with us walking away.
My heart hurts - but she really doesn't care. Her possessions and house mean so much more to her than we do.
Thanks for listening.