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15 months ago my husband suffered a stroke, I am unable to give him 24 hour care at home so he is at a nursing home, he is 58 years old. I had to move to my mother's home so I could do things for her, as she is needing more help she is 89. I have a job in a neighboring town I must keep. I have been going to the nursing home for 2-3 hours each evening and most of the day on Sunday. Having some health issues now myself. So now I am wondering what is a reasonable time to spend with my husband in the nursing home as something has to give.

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Poor chap. I'm so sorry to read what's happened to him.

Of course you are the most important person to him; but you can't be the only person who ever liked him? And I'm sure your and his life as a couple has been radically changed, but are you still in touch with your joint social circle?

What I'd suggest is asking for help from friends and seeing if you can get enough of them together to organise a visiting rota. Just say, a rough sketch - Tuesday and Thursday evenings (or afternoons, if some of them would find that easier), they turn up and join in activities with him, or help him with any occupational therapy he's receiving, or just sit and watch tv, or whatever they think they can handle for those two brief hours.

For people who've never encountered stroke close up, this *would* be a challenge and I don't underestimate that. The uninitiated find communication awkward and uncomfortable, they're afraid of saying the wrong thing, they feel a bit useless and helpless. But working in a relay, and starting out on the basis that any socialisation is better than no socialisation, they could do his morale a power of good and feel they've achieved something really worthwhile.

And you'd get two free evenings a week.

Any thoughts?
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Like NeedsHelp asked - what’s your husbands prognosis? I think a lot
would depend on that. Is his situation temporary or permanent? What’s his attitude like?
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Sorry to hear this, a very challenging situation. Can he text or talk on the phone at all? I think it is reasonable to visit every few days and perhaps text or call in between, and shorter visits unless they are restorative in some way for you. The kind where you walk out feeling good about the time you spent and not overwhelmed by everything else in your life that is still facing you. You need some free time for yourself and a break from all this shuttling around. Good luck :)
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People who have had a stroke often have paralysis and speech problems, but their brain power is not so much affected. If your husband can understand you, please talk to him and tell him the strain this is putting on you. He still loves you, if you have any relationship, he must care about you. See if you can reach a conclusion with him about what to do. If you are spending all that time every evening, you can’t have an infinite number of things to talk about, and watching TV together isn’t essential. Skip a night or two, and you might have more to talk about at the following meeting!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2020
You’re exactly right. Strokes are different in everyone. It depends on where and how much damage is done.

My daddy had a stroke, did rehab and then outpatient speech therapy for a long time afterwards. He never fully recovered. He improved but was never the same.

Some people have more serious strokes and others have mild strokes and recovery is easier for them.
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You’re in a tough spot. Is the nursing home permanent for your husband? Or more of a rehabilitation type of situation?

Go as often as you feel like you can handle. Don’t push yourself beyond your limits?

Why can’t your mom hire a caregiver ? What about her going into a facility? Then you can be closer to your husband.

Can you tell us a little more about your circumstances please?

Best wishes to and your family.
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ALKS58 Mar 2020
He is a permanent placement in the nursing home, he has no use of his left side, short term memory loss, slow motor skills which is a cognitive issue. My mother has decided to hire a cleaning person which will help. She is very self sufficient in most things, tires very easy and has a lot of pain from arthritis, this why I try to do as much as she will let me because she will push herself until she is in so much pain. Not sleep and you can se it in her eyes, that kills me. We all live in the same community so the traveling I do is to work and back but a short commute. I think it is so normal for caretakers to feel guilty and pulled, when I am at work I think I need to be home or at the nursing home when I am there I think about what I did not get done at the office. I do not want to let anyone down and I had worked in a nursing home for a number of years in various departments, so knowing how cares are to be done and how staff react when they know a family member is there a lot of the time and can pop in different times during the day, the resident tends to get good care. So to balance it all is hard fir me.
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What a tremendous load you are trying to balance! I don’t see how you can keep up this pace. How functional is your husband? Are you reasonably pleased with his care in the nursing home? I always advocate for visiting the nursing home, but I can’t see how these long visits nightly are sustainable, especially with a job and being a caregiver to another. You definitely need to alter the visiting time, and I hope you’re getting some help with your mother’s needs as well. You’ll break under this, and you need your health. Maybe see hubby every other day and for not so long? I really feel for you and hope you can make some changes
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againx100 Mar 2020
These long visits are not necessary, especially since you are burning the candle at both ends. You need some down time for yourself too!
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