My mother wants to live independently, yet have me assume all the responsibilites for her to live independenly in her own home. I live an hours drive and have responsibilites of my own. She doesn't want to hire any outside help, which she can afford. My sister takes her shopping, but my mother would not think of asking her for any additional help it would be too much for my sister. The other two sisters live too far away. My mother expects me to take her shopping for gifts that my far away sister wants to buy her. I have build so many barriers, limited my contact and yet she still has these expectations. I have even told her I cannot assume so much of her needs. She has backed off, but the minute I give her an inch she is back to her requirements for me. What am I to do with a mother who has no dementia and just seems to ignore what I have say to her and continues to try and use me? How do I get through to her without being disrespectful? I am at the end of my patiences dealing with her continued expectations, yet I don't want to disown her. Her rational about paying for unnecessary outside care or getting outside help doesn't cut it with me. She is in a far better financial situation than I am.
My sister could not make herself as available as I chose or could do. But on the occasions when she volunteered to help with work, my mother would say.....do not worry about that, your sister will take care of that! Luckily my sister and I could laugh at this.
If you make yourself available, expectations will be raised. The more you are available, the higher the expectations.
My dad has sinced passed, my sister is taking on the bulk of helping mom.
Mom is old, but in Ok health, she is just lonely. Shortly after dad's passing I reset expectations. I was available, but not as much as before. Instead of dropping by every night I cut back, and now average twice a week
Other people stepped up. My niece and nephew do drop bys at grandmas. Mom spends weekends at sister's. I visit mom about twice a week and take her on a special outing once a month.
I would not take away a minute of the time spent with dad over the past 3 years. I am grateful my sister is taking the lead with mom. When mom needs more help, I will share that burden in the meantime, I am focusing on my guy that I ignored for 3 years, and on a little me time.
The point is if you step back expectations will reset, and maybe your siblings, seeing the void will step up.
If she is cognizant enough, give her a time Budget. I can visit for 3 hours, we need to clean house, do groceries, etc. if she wants you to take her shopping, she may figure out that having someone help with housekeeping, means she can budget your 3 hour gift for a mall trip. Tell her when and for how long you are available, her needs should be prioritized within that time. If buying groceries or medical supplies bites into shopping for sibling gifts that is ok.
Best of luck
L
I have no relationship with this manipulative, nasty woman anymore. I just stopped calling her 3 months ago after I realized she stabbed me in the back, once again. And guess what, I haven't heard from my mother in 3 months, not even on my birthday.
My point? These are people with personality disorders of some sort. I don't have and never will get a physician to diagnose her. She doesn't trust doctors. But I would bet my life that she has a narcissistic personality disorder.
What do I do? Stay away, let it go, have almost zero contact. It is the only way you will ever get out from under the manipulation and selfishness that these types know. It will never change, you have to take control and do what works for you. It may take time to know what that is. I am still trying, but I know I have to keep my distance.
Is it easy? No. I feel terrible that I don't have a loving mother. But that is what I have and I have to deal with it, warts and all. :)
Give me some examples, and I'll tell you what to do. I'm much better at fixing your life than mine. Isn't that typical codependent of me? But sometimes it's true.
I can scream and yell and say no, and feel guilty, or I try to say no nicely, and it doesn't work, or I give in and snarl while doing what "they" make me do. The middle way is hard to find.
You are right that counselling can help a person learn how to get better results. I have read Parent Effectiveness Training, which shows how to manage kids by expressing your needs. You learn to identify "my problem" - This noise is driving me crazy - VS the child's non-problem - I'm playing cops and robbers and yelling and having a good time. It's your problem, not the child's sin, and you are free to identify the solution - Play outside, go to your room to do homework or whatever, without attacking or BLAMING the kid, who is just acting like a kid.
Your mother is doing things to get what she wants. She has every right to do that. It's up to you to prevent her from driving you crazy, not up to her to change behavior which gets her what she wants. The right therapy can teach you how.
I remind myself daily that if I am going to "give in" and provide a service, that I might as well do it out of love instead of resentment. It's good Karma, and if the recipient is capable of gratitude, they might feel some, which is a plus for everyone.
If I can get better at this, so can anyone. It takes time, education and effort. Good luck.
I think you need to remind yourself that your Mom can have any expectations she wants but that doesn't mean it is going to happen. I would not even try to stop her wanting things--it sounds like that I not going to change ---and just stop reacting to them. Easier said then done , I know, but that is all I can think to offer in way of advice. It is frustrating , I am sure! Maybe Mom really enjoys your company far more than your siblings ---no excuse though asking you to run around for her all over the place.
Maybe play"You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones when Mom start up ;0)
Good luck!!! ((((hug))))
Your comment about your mom buying items for your sister is, um, annoying. Doesn't your sister know that your Mom is unable to do so on her own? Or do you think your mother is lying simply to get her own way?
Draw the boundary. Stick to it. Soon your Mom will behave differently. Remember, we teach people how to treat us.