I married a great guy with a wonderful disposition. We have been married 27 years and the first 20 were the best. His memory started with mild cognitive impairment and has now moved to full blown dementia. He is still able to do daily activities by himself. He no longer drives, still goes to the gym and is walking a lot since no driving for him. He watches TV during the day, gets up and walks a lot without getting lost. He tries to help me around the house. I do everything from A to Z to keep the house on top of working from home for a health care company. He can't carry a conversation even though he reads the paper daily. I want to be more loving and kind, which is hard. I sometimes think he is my ticket to heaven. The way I treat him will be what the universe watches and expects from me. Does this sound crazy? I love your answers and read them daily. I am trying to have quality connections with eye contact and make him feel loved. I am life in the fast lane and impatient so we are no longer a good match. Thank you for your reply.
I am not a very religious person, but every day I ask God to give the grace and patience to realize he didn't do anything to get this &-*%!?# disease. I have found if I think of his actions as those of an 80 year old toddler, I'm much more patient. Right now, he woke up, thinks it's morning, and is in the kitchen making toast. He will probably toast the whole loaf of bread. But it makes him feel productive and it's not really hurting anything.
I understand about not having anyone to talk to. That's what I miss the most. Gary has (had) a very warped sense of humor and he could always make me laugh at the dumbest things.
So, just take a deep breath, remember your husband can't help what's going on in his brain, and remember all the wonderful things you fell in love with. Hugs
How, exactly, are you supposed to NOT dislike somebody who exhibits the difficult traits of dementia? Your husband is no longer the man you married and had a great time with for the past 20 years. He's now a different human being, engrossed in his own world, concerned with himself only (I would imagine, based on other people I know with dementia) and difficult to even have a conversation with! You're only being honest here, and that's a good thing. You're stuck in a tough situation and my heart hurts for you.
I don't know what you mean about thinking he's your 'ticket to heaven' and 'the way you treat him will be what the universe watches & expects from you.' You are a human being, doing the best you possibly can under difficult circumstances. Try not to put unrealistic expectations on yourself, or believe that the universe expects ANYTHING out of you other than being YOURSELF and giving life the best you have to offer. We're all going to the afterlife, no matter what we do or don't do here on Earth, so try to keep that in mind as you go through your days. Adding more stress to your life at this point is not a good idea.
In fact, find some things to do just for YOU! Get your hair done, join a book club, have lunch with a friend........do things that have NOTHING to do with your husband OR dementia, and don't feel guilty about it either! It's okay to take care of YOURSELF throughout this ordeal, in fact, it's a requirement! Remember that you do not have a disease; you are still alive and still in need of adult conversations and companionship from time to time. The entire purpose of your life is NOT to take care of your husband 24/7. Get some in-home help for a few hours a day and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE during that time. With God's help, you can forge a life of your own in addition to caring for your husband whom you love.
If you play your cards right, you'll get rid of some of the resentment you're feeling (which comes with the territory) because you'll have more of your OWN life to enjoy.
Best of luck, dear woman, and here's a big HUG.
She developed aphasia and lost her ability to speak clearly. She could read but could not talk about what she read. She could not write her name. She no longer knew when and how to stop pouring the coffee. Even when she forgot to get a cup for it. Then she tried to clean it up with her bare hands. If I did not extra lock the doors she would wander off, even if she was not dressed for leaving the house.
She knew things needed to be done but no longer knew how to do them.
I hate to say it but all of this drew us closer. Giving her hugs and talking to her helped some. Reassuring her that things were fine and I would clean up the mess helped both of us.
I don't feel qualified to tell you how to handle your situation but I wish you the best and ask you to look into hiring some one to relieve you once in a while so you can take a spa day.
First of all, I am so sorry you are struggling. Hugs!
I cared for my mom with Parkinson’s disease. She was no longer my mom that I enjoyed doing things with before the disease. Perfect relationship? No one has perfection but at one time we were close.
Everything changed for both of us. Some say tragedy brings them closer and others say it tore them apart. Sadly, it tore mom and I apart. Too much togetherness. I burned out. She now lives with my brother and SIL.
Are you concerned about your husband continuing to live at home? Do you feel it would be better if he was in a facility? Please share. We won’t judge no matter how you answer.
You are most likely exhausted. I would suggest to take breaks when you can. Do you have any help with caring for him?
I am sure you feel like you are married to a different person. He isn’t the same. You are grieving for the man you were once married to. That’s a lot to adjust to. Others who are in this situation will share their experiences with you.