Each time I think everything is going to be ok, dad does something else. Long story short, he is doing so well in his new facility. He now wants to sell his house ( he is currently renting it out). I would support this idea but I know him and he has a plan. I told him he needed to keep his home because he keeps talking about wanting come home for a visit. Well he then says he can stay with me. I told him that would not work because his home has been fixed for him ( pull bars in the bathroom and etc.) So he became angry with me and said that it is bad that I do not want him in my home. But I know him and I think he is trying to leave the facility. He keeps saying he is in his right mind and can do what he wants.
This is a quote from the book:
"The worm that destroys you is the temptation to agree with your critics, to get their approval."
I think that is appropriate for many caregivers here, including you, FB.
Don't let this worm destroy you. You no longer need your dad's approval. You are an adult, a fully functioning adult who is worth something.
Don't let dad's guilt-tripping and anger drive your decisions anymore.
One of my family has lost a lot of independance & has high anxiety.
Being in their orbit can be a case of being 'instructed' from one task to another.
Appears they wish to keep instructing as their go-to anxiety management strategy? Or, I wonder, to hold power. Keep others busy wirh endless busy-work, to keep them orbiting.
*Attention seeking behaviour*.
Sell my house.
Now bring me the documents.
Bring be A B C D E etc from my house to see & sort. Now take F G H to your house. Sell I J K. Make sure you give me all the reciepts. Now L M N can stay here in my room. I will need to move to a bigger room...
What do you think?
Endless busy-work as a ways to keep you in 'employment'?
Getting OP to jump .
OP should keep her feet firmly on the ground .
Do whatever YOU have to do to release YOURSELF from the chaos your father has imposed upon you. Ask yourself what it would take for you to find inner peace, after all this nonsense HE wants? A demented elder with anosognosia is constantly plotting schemes to override what "was done to him undeservedly". In his mind, hes fine, like my mother was. She was constantly reminding me she had NO BUSINESS being in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, and all the staff told her so! Her doctor was a dirty liar too. 🙄 But in truth, she had nowhere to go and no way to get out of the building. If she showed up at my house somehow, some way, I'd have driven her right back to the MC. She irritated me more so than she cowed me, after 65 yrs of manipulative shenanigans.
If you want peace, sell dad's house and move away leaving no forwarding address with HIM. Then you will be free. That may seem extreme to some, but when you've been controlled your whole life by an overbearing person, it can be a heavenly decision and the true definition of FREEDOM.
To find inner peace, it would definitely take me moving away. I have often thought about it and I'm trying to get to a point financially so that I can. I just want to be happy and I will never understand why a parent would put stress on a child, young or old.
Do you realize what your life will be like if you bring him to your home, aging people don't get better, aging people slowly get worse and worse. No one dies healthy.
And if he goes to his home, he is slowly going to need more and more from you and others, first you will be needing to get him things, then you will need to clean, it will slowly invade your life until one day you wake up and realize you have no life.
I completely agree with waytomisery!!
I'm sorry you are going through this faithfulbeauty.
Then he has nowhere else to go but to stay where he is , but don’t tell him that ,
After the house is sold , if he starts in about living with you , that’s a “No Dad , that’s not possible “. If Dad manages to have someone bring him to your house , you call police to bring him back to AL .
I'm answering one of your earlier questions. I handle his bills. I started doing that before he went to the facility because he started forgetting to pay things.
If he remains competent he can sell his home. Be certain to in NO WAY assist him or enable him in this. In fact, tell him you don't wish to discuss such a thing. It IS his right to do as he wishes if he is competent. So let him. He can rent something with the proceeds until he crumps and returns to care.
I know you can stand up for yourself now. If you crumble it will be your choice, which you'll have to take responsibility for. Meanwhile don't let him scare you. Just be certain in your own mind what you will do to PROTECT YOURSELF. Good luck. Keep us updated; I know you will. And take care of yourself.
I'm not going to assist him in this process of selling. According to a family friend, I have just learned that he has already started the process of having it appraised. He has not mentioned any of this to me. He has only told me he wants to sell. I do intend to take care of myself and my mind. He is well aware that I can not care for him and he is well aware that he needs 24 hour care.
If he sells it he has no home to return to and the money can be used to keep him in AL or wherever he ends up.
You have made it clear that he is not moving in with you, so that is that.
They all want to go home.
Back off, let him figure it out.
You don't take a person with Dementia back to their home. Its no longer what Dad wants, its what he needs. And since its being rented you can't do that. The renters have to be notified 24 hrs in advance when a landlord will be coming and there must be a good reason. Coming to visit is not a good reason. Dads home is now the renters. Its their home and he can't come and go as he wishes.
Dad has been told he cannot go home. He needs to stay where he is so sell the house. One less thing you have to worry about. Sell it for Market Value. Maybe the renters would like it. Dad then has no option. You stick by your guns, you will not let him move in with you and you will not care for him. He can plan all he wants, you just keep saying NO. You need to look at this man not as a poor old man but as the man who abused you and your mother. You owe him nothing. You do what is good for you. You really hold the power here. If he is able (which I doubt) to get out of the facility, then he is on his own. You have done enough. You call APS and tell them he is a vulnerable adult and you have done what you can.
You need to realize that you hold the keys not Dad. He can think whatever he wants but he is an old man. No longer capable of doing things for himself. He needs you and you give him only what you want. If you owe this man anything, its a safe place to live, and he is in a safe place. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. This is your Dads come around. He has to pay for what he did to others.
You have gotten lots of support here and suggestions. Why do you worry so much about a man who made your life miserable. Me, I would sell his house. I would be his POA only to be able to pay the facility. When he needs Medicaid, I would see to that. When he gets that, I would revoke the POA and let the State take over. POA does not mean you care for him or need to be in contact with him. Everything is done between u and the staff.
I'm thankful for the support I have received from this group and I apologize if it seems as if I'm being repetitive. The last year has been extremely tough for me trying to deal with all of this alone. I'm going to stand my ground with him. As I stated earlier, he says he is mentally competent and can make his own decisions. So I'm going to step back and let him make them.
Safe: Meals, the weather, possibly past (happier) memories. Even wishful never-going-to-happen-nonsense can be a safe topic (eg I'm planning a trip next year to Iceland...)
Unsafe: His house. Renting his house. Selling his house. Visiting his house. Visiting YOUR house.
Shut these topics down.
Distract. Or leave.
With your practical hat on, selling his house may make sense. He doesn't need it now. But.. the stress & fallout need to be worth it.
An Agency can be hired to sort, donate, sell & dispose of personal belongings. But.. ususally a family member has to sort out all the really personal items first - the old photos & trinkets etc. This needs much emotional mind space & energy. Especially if doing alone.
I would consider these issues;
House.
1. You will need to sell the house ONE DAY but does it need to be NOW? Is there any urgency?
2. Is the rental situation working? Good paying tennants?
Dad.
1. Is this Dad's latest obsession?
2. Is he competent to make this decision at this time?
3. Is there risk you will get the BLAME later for selling his house from under him?
Remember the emergency respond acronym: DRSABCD.
D for Danger.
Do not put yourself in danger.
Being blamed for ever after for selling his house... 👎 Dangerous.
I agree on filtering conversations. I have been trying to do that and also redirecting. I would say selling the house would make sense but I think his plan is to leave the facility and expect to live with me which would not be a good situation for me or him. I do not know why he is in a rush to sell. The renters are working out well.
I also thought about it being his latest obsession just like wanting to visit home is an obsession. But, sometimes I think certain friends of his put ideas in his head. I do not think he is thinking clearly because he always said he wanted to keep his house and now suddenly he does not. He could possibly because of his developing dementia, say later on that I convinced him to sell it. But sometimes even before the signs of dementia, he would put blame on me for things he started. Also, you are correct when saying preparing the house for sale would be emotional for me and I would be doing it alone. He has also stated that he would want certain things brought to my house. I told him no. I do not have room for extra items. He just does not think about the stress that certain things put on me.
"I was trying to do the right thing. My heart could not tell him, "I won't help you".
1. "The right thing"
What IS that? Do you mean follow his commands? OBEY your Father?
What does 'the right thing' mean to you?
2. "My heart could not tell him"
Why not? Practically speaking, because a heart beats & pumps our blood. It is our mouth & throat that contains the speaking parts. We speak our thoughts as directed by our brain.
Yes we all know this biology.. so what does this really mean?
I feel controlled to say yes?
I do not feel safe to say no?
3. "I won't help you"
There must a giant list of ways to say no in a less emotive way.
Examples to back out;
* That is your business, not mine.
* You can choose for yourself.
Examples to state your view;
* I see it differently to you.
* I don't agree.
Example to be direct & clear;
* No.
* I won't do that.
Example to do all: back out, state your view & be direct & clear;
* I heard you. But I don't agree, therefore I will not help with that.
(A zillion thanks to Barb Brooklyn)
I have used this WITH SUCCESS many times now.
Or, you don't have to say "I won't help you" at all! SAY NOTHING.
Smile blandly & silently 🙂
Stare blankly & silently
Be still & silent as a grey rock 🪨
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