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Back story: Mother (99) dementia, in care 3.5 years. Placed after trying to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to devote my life to her. Tended to her daily but refused to stay by her side 24/7. She said I'm selfish. Misidentified me/family. Pretended to be deaf. Feigned helplessness. Remarkably good health - broken brain. Covert narc traits all my life. Public mom =/= private mom.
Early 2022: Hospitalized, contagious, ran off umpteen times, security assigned, hearing returned, nasty to nurses, angered - refused to move a muscle ever again - sat in her own waste, stopped eating, talking. Tons of tests. Sent to "comfort care", blew, sat up and told them she was just fine. Discharged to care home.
Kept talking but refused to move a muscle (except for a few escape attempts) until I told her feed herself, which became intermittent. Wheelchair had to be tipped back, tray placed, or she'd just slump and fall forward. Her mind travelled in time, typically swore I wasn't her daughter (cos she's 44 or 20, etc.) but could call me by name to rage at me. Insults about my appearance, etc.
Graphic threats to murder female staff one minute, syrupy sweet the next. Flirty with men.
2024 Pre-Christmas visit: In the common area, residents and guests in close proximity. Now she's sitting centered in a huge armchair, shifting her weight, crossing and uncrossing legs. She holds her tea cup, walks with an aide on each arm.
Introduces me and husband by name to all in the room. Our and staff jaws drop. They call her Mrs. Benjamin Button behind her back. They're as shocked with her return of skills as I am.
Have any of you seen such behavior?
When I share this story, everyone joyfully declares it a Christmas miracle.
Doesn't seem miraculous to me. I feel like I've been played, devoting much of my life to her in misguided attempts to make her happy. Make her comfortable. Win her approval. Yeah, I know - stupid me.
Thoughts? I need help with perspective. Logically I should laugh this off but I can't seem to let go.

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Ana, I'm sorry. You drew the short straw when it comes to mothers. It's easy for others to say ignore her and pretend she's a stranger, not so easy to do. She certainly seems mentally ill. I'd say she's provoking you deliberately but can't help doing it, as paradoxical as that sounds.

When I read your first paragraph, I couldn't help thinking she really outfoxed herself with the suicide threats, didn't she, if she didn't want to go into a care home. Logic not her strong suit.
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Reply to iameli
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It may have justbeen a lucid moment. Some rallying? Dementia is so unpredictable, thats why I didn't to well with it. I like order and rules to follow.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Hi Anabanana, You really are getting a lot of good advice here, I know it's hard to understand and change your mind. You have a lot of stuff blocking your understanding. You have normalized your mother's behaviors - you aren't really understanding the situation. You are treating your mother's behaviors as though they are the behaviors of a person with a sound brain. No wonder you are thinking of her as your personal devious tormentor.

 "I feel like I've been played" - this is your crucial statement

When we are dealing with people with brain disorders, whether classified as dementia, bipolar, or schizophrenia, etc... it is best for your mental health to just observe their behaviors as though they are a frolicking kitten.

Nothing real, nothing about you, just a brain misfiring and you are present and getting hit by the debris and it's emotionally hurting you. I'm sorry.

 
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Reply to OncehatedDIL
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Her behavior is bizarre, yes. You and the staff are astonished, and reasonably so. Perhaps M’s mind found a connection to the past for a little while – sometimes people can have quite vivid memories and believe that they are ‘back there’. Or perhaps she has been lying and manipulating you and the staff all along, and was always faking the problems that she seemed to have. You can’t tell which.

It might be interesting to make a video of her ‘new’ behavior. It may come in handy if she ‘fakes’ again – or just as a reminder to you of this very very strange thing that has happened.

If her behavior to you is totally different, from now on and consistently, you have a choice to make a ‘new’ relationship. Otherwise, it’s ‘business as usual’. Just walk away.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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She is in placement.
She has severe dementia.
Visit very infrequently for very short times and recognize her limitations whether they are due to dementia, mental illness or a combination.
Again, very infrequent and very short visits.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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She's probably bored and these antics are "fun" for her.
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Reply to cover9339
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Trust me, I’m long past trying to win her approval. She’s a psych train wreck with no chance of being re-railed. It frustrates me that family, neighbours and friends think she’s where sugar goes to get sweet. I’m a bit of a pariah.

I’m amazed at her (or anyone’s) ability to fabricate such a scenario. As if she’s forgotten what angered her and is going to talk, walk, and return to her pre-hospitalization state, 2 years later at 99. That’s determination, even for a healthy brain! As I said, I should laugh it off, but the effort and logistics of her actions astound me.
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strugglinson Jan 4, 2025
You have done well to get this perspective. I agree with you though, it still comes back to bug you.
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There are two scenarios. One is when dementia completely changes an elder, for the worse , when the elder was fine and had good relationship with children prior to onset of dementia
The other situation is someone who had personality issues and/or mental illness through their adult life, and/or bad relationships with children. Then dementia hits and you get a mix of both. It seems your Mom is in the latter category.
I saw your comment to a comment in the string. YOu have made some great steps, going grey rock, and not visiting too often. Indeed vent away to us! That is a key part of the Forum. I agree, even with taking good steps, our minds creep back / take backwards steps sometimes. We need to repeatedly re grasp perspective, and periodic venting his helpful indeed!
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Reply to strugglinson
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There is a difference between a womb donor and a real mother. The umbilical cord was cut at birth.

Stop wasting your time.

I hear your vent. Chalk this up as experience and move forward.

Make plans to enjoy life.
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Reply to Scampie1
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What I've found is the lines are blurred between mental illness and dementia. And what's the difference, really? One or the other, manipulation and games or a mind so full of holes it looks like Swiss cheese. Some of both is the answer, along with grooming you to give a flying fig your whole life. And here you are, in your own "golden years", still trying to figure out a mentally ill/demented woman who's nearly 100 years old. What for? Who cares? She's too broken to fix and you're too old to keep caring.

Move on with your own life before SHE outlives YOU and has the last laugh. Now THAT would be sad. My mother lived to 95 and I didn't stop trying to figure things out until I was in my late 50s. What a waste of time, truly.

Both my mother and yours were and are cared for, warm and well fed. And paying others to put up with their particular brand of B.S.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Anabanana Jan 4, 2025
Yeah, I'm a slow learner. Didn't piece it together until I had children of my own.

I wish I got her genes for physical durability. I had months of physio and strength training after a shoulder separating body check. Yet here she is, bouncing back after 2+ years being bedridden at 99.
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Just walk away. She's being cared for. If your visits don't bring happiness to either you or her, why continue with them? I'm sorry she has not treated you with respect through your life. That isn't going to change now. Her fault, not yours. So let go of any expectations of fixing your relationship, and live your life as you want to, without her.
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Reply to MG8522
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Anabanana Jan 4, 2025
Not looking to fix our relationship. That ship sailed and sunk years ago. Astounded that she can pull these rabbits out of her hat at 99 with a broken brain.
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I am grey rock and low contact, visiting briefly to check on her and bring supplies every 4-8 weeks.

I suspect you are new here. This is a support forum which people use to gather information, different perspectives, and often, just to vent. My intro even stated that I needed TO VENT. Sometimes people take comfort in sharing their experiences.
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Bulldog54321 Jan 4, 2025
You asked for our thoughts. “Thoughts?”

My question was not rhetorical. I am asking you what do you need to truly be able to let this go. You have to let this go— she is mentally ill (not her fault) and she has dementia (also not her fault).
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Why are you spending your precious time writing about this wretched person? To what end?

You can let go, you just don't want to. Please see a therapist so that you can get yourself to do the right (and healthy) thing for yourself and your husband. She groomed you. Now you need help being ungroomed.

She is mentally ill, and now it possible has blurred into dementia. You aren't responsible for her happiness. We don't get to choose our relatives but we do get to choose our boundaries with them. The boundaries are for you, since she will never acknowledge or respect them. Stop visting her. Stop spending any time related to her. She is in good care and you don't have to worry or feel guilty about any of it.
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Bulldog54321 Jan 4, 2025
Yup. OP can take a good month off without visiting to see what freedom feels like and then she never has to go back again if she doesn’t want to.
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Well, I mean what could possibly make you feel better here? She is a crazy abusive lady with dementia.
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