Back story: Mother (99) dementia, in care 3.5 years. Placed after trying to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to devote my life to her. Tended to her daily but refused to stay by her side 24/7. She said I'm selfish. Misidentified me/family. Pretended to be deaf. Feigned helplessness. Remarkably good health - broken brain. Covert narc traits all my life. Public mom =/= private mom.
Early 2022: Hospitalized, contagious, ran off umpteen times, security assigned, hearing returned, nasty to nurses, angered - refused to move a muscle ever again - sat in her own waste, stopped eating, talking. Tons of tests. Sent to "comfort care", blew, sat up and told them she was just fine. Discharged to care home.
Kept talking but refused to move a muscle (except for a few escape attempts) until I told her feed herself, which became intermittent. Wheelchair had to be tipped back, tray placed, or she'd just slump and fall forward. Her mind travelled in time, typically swore I wasn't her daughter (cos she's 44 or 20, etc.) but could call me by name to rage at me. Insults about my appearance, etc.
Graphic threats to murder female staff one minute, syrupy sweet the next. Flirty with men.
2024 Pre-Christmas visit: In the common area, residents and guests in close proximity. Now she's sitting centered in a huge armchair, shifting her weight, crossing and uncrossing legs. She holds her tea cup, walks with an aide on each arm.
Introduces me and husband by name to all in the room. Our and staff jaws drop. They call her Mrs. Benjamin Button behind her back. They're as shocked with her return of skills as I am.
Have any of you seen such behavior?
When I share this story, everyone joyfully declares it a Christmas miracle.
Doesn't seem miraculous to me. I feel like I've been played, devoting much of my life to her in misguided attempts to make her happy. Make her comfortable. Win her approval. Yeah, I know - stupid me.
Thoughts? I need help with perspective. Logically I should laugh this off but I can't seem to let go.
When I read your first paragraph, I couldn't help thinking she really outfoxed herself with the suicide threats, didn't she, if she didn't want to go into a care home. Logic not her strong suit.
"I feel like I've been played" - this is your crucial statement
When we are dealing with people with brain disorders, whether classified as dementia, bipolar, or schizophrenia, etc... it is best for your mental health to just observe their behaviors as though they are a frolicking kitten.
Nothing real, nothing about you, just a brain misfiring and you are present and getting hit by the debris and it's emotionally hurting you. I'm sorry.
It might be interesting to make a video of her ‘new’ behavior. It may come in handy if she ‘fakes’ again – or just as a reminder to you of this very very strange thing that has happened.
If her behavior to you is totally different, from now on and consistently, you have a choice to make a ‘new’ relationship. Otherwise, it’s ‘business as usual’. Just walk away.
She has severe dementia.
Visit very infrequently for very short times and recognize her limitations whether they are due to dementia, mental illness or a combination.
Again, very infrequent and very short visits.
I’m amazed at her (or anyone’s) ability to fabricate such a scenario. As if she’s forgotten what angered her and is going to talk, walk, and return to her pre-hospitalization state, 2 years later at 99. That’s determination, even for a healthy brain! As I said, I should laugh it off, but the effort and logistics of her actions astound me.
The other situation is someone who had personality issues and/or mental illness through their adult life, and/or bad relationships with children. Then dementia hits and you get a mix of both. It seems your Mom is in the latter category.
I saw your comment to a comment in the string. YOu have made some great steps, going grey rock, and not visiting too often. Indeed vent away to us! That is a key part of the Forum. I agree, even with taking good steps, our minds creep back / take backwards steps sometimes. We need to repeatedly re grasp perspective, and periodic venting his helpful indeed!
Stop wasting your time.
I hear your vent. Chalk this up as experience and move forward.
Make plans to enjoy life.
Move on with your own life before SHE outlives YOU and has the last laugh. Now THAT would be sad. My mother lived to 95 and I didn't stop trying to figure things out until I was in my late 50s. What a waste of time, truly.
Both my mother and yours were and are cared for, warm and well fed. And paying others to put up with their particular brand of B.S.
I wish I got her genes for physical durability. I had months of physio and strength training after a shoulder separating body check. Yet here she is, bouncing back after 2+ years being bedridden at 99.
I suspect you are new here. This is a support forum which people use to gather information, different perspectives, and often, just to vent. My intro even stated that I needed TO VENT. Sometimes people take comfort in sharing their experiences.
My question was not rhetorical. I am asking you what do you need to truly be able to let this go. You have to let this go— she is mentally ill (not her fault) and she has dementia (also not her fault).
You can let go, you just don't want to. Please see a therapist so that you can get yourself to do the right (and healthy) thing for yourself and your husband. She groomed you. Now you need help being ungroomed.
She is mentally ill, and now it possible has blurred into dementia. You aren't responsible for her happiness. We don't get to choose our relatives but we do get to choose our boundaries with them. The boundaries are for you, since she will never acknowledge or respect them. Stop visting her. Stop spending any time related to her. She is in good care and you don't have to worry or feel guilty about any of it.