I am a 35 year old mother of a 1 year old daughter who lives with my husband in Texas. We recently moved my mother in because she had nowhere to go. She had a double mastectomy's in 2022 no chemo no radiation and started declining in health shortly after. We are sure depression has something to do with the decline but she is since been on meds. She's a long time diabetic due to pancreas not functioning, very underweight, and does not ambulate well (uses a walker and falls 1-2 times a week). She is a very stubborn mean woman and has always been avoidant of doctors and never quit eating sugar after diabetes diagnosis. She has been in and out of the hospital the past year for various issues including sepsis, bone infection due to bed sores, mostly for her sugars being off then she can't walk. She has been stuck in a cycle of hospital for emergency then rehab. Once rehab gets her able to ambulate she is dismissed to home where she does not take care of her insulin needs, other needs then declines follow up visits. She was tested 6 months ago and does not have cancer or dementia/Alzheimer's. The only diagnosis she gets is that she needs to eat more. We tried to get her help during the past year but she refused and did not let us help. APS or Lawyers could not intervene because she is considered competent. Her husband has divorced her because he cannot watch her not take care of herself and she didn't represent herself during the divorce so all she gets is half the sale of the house when it sells roughly 50-60k. She has no retirement savings or any assets. She is only 64 so does not qualify for medicare. She hasn't worked in 20 years so she does not qualify for disability money. She gets around 900 a month. She also does not participate at the doctors visits or want to go to them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I know I can't force someone to take care of themselves but I am also struggling turning my back on her because I truly don't know where she would go. I have been helping her with her insulin which keeps her somewhat level and eating. I am having trouble drawing the line where I do and do not intervene. We also have no idea when the house will sell so we are trying to pay for everything until she can use her money and spend it down on care until Medicaid can take over. I am just at a loss at what my responsibilities are and how to balance that she isn't interested in getting better or figuring out what is wrong.
First, you should not be paying for her needs. She can apply for spousal social security benefits. Assuming her husband worked and is entitled to social security benefits, the ex-spouse can receive a benefit equal to half of the spouse's SS amount. It may not be much, but at least a little income coming in will help with costs.
Second, the next time she goes to the hospital for an emergency, make it clear to the doctor, nurse, social worker, and whoever is coordinating her transfer to rehab, that YOU CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF HER. When the rehab facility wants to discharge her home, don't come pick her up. Let them know, she can not come home with you. Many short term rehab facilities also have a long-term care wing or sister facility they can transfer her to if she is unable to take care of herself, which her repeated emergency incidents clearly indicate.
If she is considered competent, ask yourself whether you want to continue having her live with you and trying to meet her needs. She is a grown woman, and is not your responsibility to take care of. If you have the patience and time and energy to take care of her for the remainder of her life, then make that commitment and embrace it without complaint. It's not unusual for multi-generational families to live together - in peace and harmony. Perhaps when she gets her share of the marital house sale, she could use that money to help build a separate in-law quarters, so she is nearby, but living independently. It is not your job to keep her from making harmful decisions. Accept that she will likely continue on the same path. Don't ruin your own health or neglect your child and spouse trying to protect her from herself.
Or, with her share of the house sale money, she can opt for an assisted living unit, and when the money runs out, she, too will likely be ready to transition to a medicaid paid nursing home. She may even neglect her health to the point that it ends her life. Again, you have to decide how much of that you can or want to control. And let go of the things you can not control.