Mom is in an assissted living apt. This is what she's told my husb and everyone else. She has accused me of coming in while she's not there and moving her things around so she can't find them, making it look like "she's crazy" as she put it. I made it a point to take my husb with me each time I was seeing her. She adores him and he can do no wrong.
The accusation she had with me on the phone (and no one heard) is that she can't stand being around me, I irritate the hell out of her, she never wants me at her apt again and not to call ever again." and hung up.
I called her back 3 times in a row and she hung up on me all three times.
Then my husb called to see how she's doing last Sat and she asked him "How's she taking it?", I was listening on speaker phone and we both looked at each other like...taking what?"....It took me while to figure this out.
She's mad at me for (something I didn't do) but thinks I did and is punishing me by not talking to me.
It "was" bothering me untill I figured out her plot. Now I'm somewhat better but she still needs to see her dr which she refuses to do. Even if she was given meds, she's hidden them in her mouth before and not taken them while living in the health care side of the unit.
Any suggestionswill be gladly be accepted
I've not talked to her in a month, my husb contiues to check in with her.
The staff if great, I can call anytime and they check on her also.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and already lost my mother even though she's still with us.
My first grandson will be born July 10
God doesn't take one without leaving another. I've not told my 3 adult kids about their grandmother..yet.
Thanks for listening, accepting all suggestions and apologize for the length.
In the case of missing items...one who is forgetful will blame the person who cares because that person will probably find the missing item. My Mom was/is afraid someone is taking her things, therefore she hides them. So when she can't find them, she can't remember where she has hidden them, so I must have taken them. When she was living with me, her hiding spot was in her bed. So I would get her in the bathroom ready to shower(Mom would never leave BR nakie) say Oh I forgot to get a towel, I'd run into her room go thru her bed retrieve missing items and she never saw me touching her stuff. This became routine. She would ditch her pills too, I swear she took them swallowed them while I watched. My friend found them buried in her couch!!!???? She is sneaky and smart and yes forgetful but manipulation is clear as a blue sky. The verbal abuse is actually a compliment, It means she trust that you are the one who cares and will put up a fight for her no matter what. I now understand that in my Moms new reality and the way she acts towards me has to be translated into a need or a conflict she is having. In other words she cannot say I need help because that would be giving up on herself instead she says go away I don't need you, so she feels independant. In anycase I think to myself if she were a 2 year old and I said to her don't go into the street it's not safe and she said I hate you because I stopped her, I would know I did what I needed to for her safety reguardless of the verbal abuse. When it's someone like a parent it is not natural for a child to be the parent, so it is a conflict to both the child and the parent ,roles have reversed.You have to try not to let this behavior get to you. Just do what you think is right, you are the one of sound mind. If you want to enjoy some quality time music is a miracle. Play a song thats familiar and you'll see what I mean. Faith is the only way to go it will get stronger just accept and appreciate especially when it gets tuff.
Earlier in the week, her cancer dr appt, PET scan appt and follow up appt. came in the mail, I made copies and husb took them to the desk inside the blding for me. That was the day of her phone call with two different greetings to ea. of us, she'd called to tell me she had someone from the manor is taking her to all her appts. Of course this costs a lot more than our tank of gas, but she feels better having them take her and so do I.
Prior to hanging up, she said "I love you" in a none feeling way and have the feeling sincetellinig her "I love you to mom", she thinks everything is back to normal, but it's not for me ( it may not be for her either, these are just feelings I 'm suspecting)
If she calls, I don't care to talk to her, thats being terribly mean,
but I don't know whether she's lying or telling the truth when talking to me.
I'm sure she's spread rumors all around about me, but I don't care. Trying desperatly not to get any more depressed and already on meds for it bc my first grandbaby is coming June 10, and I never thought I'd have one bc my girls can't have kids.
It's my son and his wife that are having a son and that's another basket case for me. NOTHING in my life is normal except for the constant faith I have in God and how he's so good to me. I apologize to those who don't speak about religon.
It is my one saving grace and how can I be so damn angry and be Christian at the same time?
I don't know, I just am.
Again, Thanks to Everyone
Maure
The dolls are $80. If you don't have the money, I'm sure any baby doll would work. Good luck!
When your Mom says to your husband, "How's she taking it?" he should respond, "Not well, because she misses you, but she respects your wishes so she will keep her distance." That will give her something to think about. She'll feel victorious, and probably forgive you for something that you never did, but that she has imagined you have done. I agree w/ what Nancydix said, about how her Mother behaved this way, and then gradually changed her ways and behavior. I hope this happens with your Mother, because I can sense the hurt this has caused you. As you have read, it's nothing you have done, but it is the disease. Knowing that, however, doesn't erase the hurt. Hugs and prayers to you.
Braida
I'm sorry you are going through her machinations. We kept Mother & Daddy in their house for 5 years with 24/7 help. As her Alz got worse she was furious with me for moving all her things into a different house. "This is not my house. How did you move everything so quickly? And what did you do with the lake?" She was very angry for 3 years and adamant about the move and wanting to go back to her house. Just to let you know, it happens. Especially if she is manipulative. She may be wanting to see if you still love her no matter what or how awful she is. Think of a first grader having a tantrum. My recommendation would be to let her alone if that's what she wants. Let's see how 'He' takes it, being the one to visit and check on her. He may end up having a talk with her. Don't berate her to your husband. Be supportive and don't put yourself in between mom & your marriage. Take advantage of being off the hook for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Re: the Doctor. The facility she is in should provide access to medical care. I f she won't go with them and won't take her meds, perhaps she needs to be in the next phase of the facility. You could move her and then she would be right about you rearranging her stuff. Everyone she tells this story to thinks she's crazier too. Don't take it personally. It shows how her disease is progressing.
how she choses to be dementia or not is her choice and putting myself in an early grave is not going to help her. Do your best and think about not calling her back when she hangs up on you for a few days---A week later when you do call her she might say
"well, where have you been or why haven't you called me" and remind her why----after a few times my mom got the hint and this behavior has lessoned but not stopped entirely---in any event it gives me a mental brake from the abuse and time to regroup-----I have no other relatives to intercede--or help out so keeping my sanity has to play a part----You are not alone--hang in there
I just thought of something else - With Alzheimer's is short term memory loss. It's not that you can't remember something in the moment and it comes to you later- it is a lost memory, never to come back again. I had to move my Mom to assisted living because she was calling the office at her apartment complex constantly complaining that their "workers" were coming in and out of her apartment stealing things - things like sugar, lunch meat, bread, mayo, etc. She would also accuse kids of coming in and doing the same --no kids lived in the building! The bottom line is one cannot fathom that they did something they have done a million times - make a sandwich, and not remember it. She started hiding these things throughout her apartment but didn't remember she hid them, and then accused people of taking them. I live 350 miles away, but she would accuse me of sneaking into town and stealing her bras! It is a difficult and sad disease; I believe Alzheimer's is called "the slow goodbye". You do need to separate the disease from the woman; and at some point begin to have a sense of humor about it - it will be your saving grace!!!
i hurt because i am losing my mom, just when we started to
connect again- i should be glad we had that-
i just hate this disease- and the fact that at this time in life,
it seems so cruel to have your brain disconnecting-so much fear and pain,there are lessons here, but rightnow, i cant think
that way, but i will, intime/.
I take it your adult children do not live very close so they can visit grandma? Time to tell them that grandma is aging and her mental status is changing. Perhaps they can also help until mom gets over her "tantrum". Which she will......I know it's hard to not see her but one of these days she is going to start wondering why you never come around and it would help to have your husband and children help grandma to remember what a wonderful daughter you are and she will start to miss you! My mil goes off on temper tantrums when she is told no about something....she will be 87 y/o in June and still wants to wear blackest black mascara globbed all over her eyelashes...:) The first time I took it away from her....eyes were red, watery, irritated....oh boy did she get mad, called me every name in the book! I relented by buying her brown and telling her she could wear a little bit. But in between throwing and buying I was "meaner than a snake", "you're so good to me", "I want to kill myself", "you take such good care of me"....so you see the emotions run the gamut and you must learn to harden yourself to it....remember it's not your mother talking, it's the disease. Oh, and get rid of the Vodka.....she doesn't need it unless she has depended on it and might go into withdrawals, thus all the more important for her to have a good check-up. Before we moved mil she would drink a BOTTLE of gin every night and be falling down, slobbering, slurred speech drunk. Don't know how she kept from killing herself.....but the very night she moved in she had a bottle stashed, drank it and became completely out of control, screaming suicide, homicide, you name it. Had her taken to the local hospital and spent a week in the behavioral unit. It has taken us a year of trial and error to find the right meds for her, but I think we finally have it right.
Hang in there and don't give up on mom.....she will come around. Just remember it's dementia doing her talking now.
Take care,
Jam
i have experienced the same kind of treatment from my mom. , much of my life, she has been accusing me of things i havent done,lots of blame,
finger pointing, manipulation and control.
now that she is 87, dementia, but not totally in another place-
i think that there was some kind of disconnect inher brain for a long time. there was a time- for 10 years,as a matter a fact ,where we didnt speak-at all!!too dangerous for me-- and we lived very close to eachother.
it became a pattern, after we finally started talking again, once the lies,and accusations would just- i had to leave-
walk out- which of course made me the really bad daughter.
it was during one of those times last year, that mybrother and this "friend"of his ,financial advisor and all around $#!&^%&took
advantage of the situation and had mom take my name off the POA. she didnt realize it meant that i was nolonger able to be her advocate , i was an outsider no longer allowed to voice or suggest or be included in an of her health care--this was so stupid since i had been caring for her for years-and my brother was away, living his life-just calling every day, but saying very little-
i guess the point i am making is, sometimes, us "bad children" ,no matter what we do, will always be wrong.
and i mean NO MATTER WHAT WE DO-it isnt good enough or
kind enough , or acceptable. hard concept to accept.
a quick funny story- my mom wanted to visit me-after we had broken the silence-she hadnt been in my apt for 15 yrs.
i had prepared myself for expecting to hear the usual comments that hurt, trying to
find a way to make it a pleasant visit- now i paint, and had made a beautiful mural on mywall and ceiling- when mom came in m room with the mural ,she looked at it, and said- OMG, how are u going to get that off?/but mom- i put it there, i like it- well, that wasnt heard- at least i was semi prepared for her comments.
if u can somehow find it in yourself to understand that this isnot
the kind of thing that is rational- and so doing the obvious rational things, like taking your husband with u to prove u were not moving her things, isnt going to convince her of anything.
i think, at least from my experience, that eventually she will see
u for u, and when push comes to shove, it is u who is there for her, who cares for her and loves her..not to expect miracles,
but she is most likely scared, frightened, confused and angry/frustrated.it is a horrible time in her life-
who else is there to take out frustrations but on the ones we love the most. sorry for the rant- i got carried away-
i send u huggs ----- pick your battles, if she doesnt want to talk- take that time as a break- try and relax and fill up and be good to you!!!! it wont be long until u are back in the ring again.
i hope this helps, if nothing else, to distract u and show u that u are far from being alone.,things will work out-day by day we are stronger than we think.u are stronger than u think...karen
I have to disagree with Ladeeda on one point. She absolutely can have dementia and remember something a month later. I went through hell and back with my Mom who was suffering with dementia before I realized it. All I can say is to love her the best way you can as you go through this. I just kept telling my Mom when she would put me out of her life like that - I love you anyway!!! I also remember talking to her after a long period of her "hating" me and very humbly she said "I know I was mad at you but I can't believe it got that far" and "I just can't believe how I was feeling about you!" Referring to what felt like hatred to me. It's all about loss - loss of memory, loss of control, loss of independence and her seeing you as "taking over" her life - if that in fact is the position you are in - I was/am. My Mom got through the anger, but now she lives more and more in her own world - I just bought her a beautiful baby doll (very life like) and she is so nurturing toward it - and sometimes she refers to me as her Mother - she says it now in jest, but that is what we are headed for . . . all I can say is love her. (I don't know about the alcohol - I have not experienced that issue with my mom) Oh, and don't forget to pray!
Hugs . . .
Nancy
It's going to get worse and no matter what you do she will not be happy and you will be the reason in her diminishing mind for this as this is how she can rationalize what is going on. But she will find "others" who are doing things to her.
Look up "false beliefs" and "elderly paranoia"
She may not have ALZ but instead Lewy Body Dementia - very different as they can be sharp as a tack and then have an episode. I've posted on this before on this site so you can drill down for reading that. Visual hallucinations happen too. This is 100% real for them and they cannot be dissuaded it's false.
Start looking for LTC - long term care facilities.
Has your mom always drank? And does she treat anyone else this way? Has she always been this way toward you?
Your husband is right, there is no way she would remember this a month later if it was dem/Alz.
Does the staff have any idea why she is acting this way?
I know it hurts you, but please do not put yourself in the situation to be verbally abuses like that.
What kind of relationship did ya'll have before? Sorry for all the questions, but it will help us to understand the situation.
Come back and vent, cry, and say what is on your mind.
We are here for you, just need more infor please. Hugs to you
After speaking with husb this evening, he said he didn't think dementia had progressed as much as I thought it had and that she's playing these mental games. Otherwise how/why would she remember what she'd started a month ago?