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This happened yesterday, She lives 30 mins from me. I have medical power of attorney. I get a voicemail from my 89 year old at about 10 pm angry at me because I told my dad that she is looking for a specific lotion that she is not able to find.


Two days before she called me and asked me about finding a lotion that she is looking for no biggie she goes through stages where she tries different products for her skin.


She asked me to look up the info for her. I asked her had she looked it up on her tablet and phone which I got her both, she says that she found them but two of the major stores were out of stock. I had told her earlier in the month about one of the stores being able to order it for her by calling the manager and requesting they order it.


She says ok. I already know that she is not going to do due to the fact that she wants me to do it. I don't do these things for her due to the fact that I went through a whole ordeal with a heating pad figuring out which one is best for her, paying for it having it shipped to her house, her missing the package by being out of the house even though the doctor told her not to be, then actually calling the company and cancelling the order that I paid for since "Im not going to run behind them to get a package". She felt that was completely fine and got angry when I questioned her about it saying "what was I supposed to do". ummm stay and home and get the package.


I am rebuilding a relationship with my dad she is also he is about 1700 miles away from us and remarried in 1996. We have been communicating by text and he is stepping up. He asked would she use something if I sent it to her I told him it would just be sitting there so he told me to let him know what he should get her. I told him I would think and let him know.


Flash forward about a week later she stats talking about the lotion so I message him with the link to the lotion and say that she has been looking for it. He says thanks and that he will send it to her. I call and leave her a message stating that I talked to him he found the lotion and that he will be sending it to her I have classes to teach so I will call you in the morning.


While I was teaching I noticed that she is calling me which is odd because usually she is always busy or doesn't call me while in class she didn't leave a message until the last time at 10pm once I got done with class. I listen to the message and she tells me that "I didn't tell you to have your dad send me, lotion I can buy my own lotion, I'm going to call him right now and tell him not to.


It took me aback because I wasn't trying to make it seem like she couldn't afford the lotion she just couldn't find it. I texted my dad and he says that he she has always been like this and to just tell him and not worry about telling her.


I let him know that it wasn't my intention to make her mad and that when it's convenient she wants help but when she feels it is a problem then it's the end of the world we are talking about 10 dollar lotion not a trip to Paris.


I haven't spoke to her this happens yesterday and I haven't called her I wanted to be able to speak with a clear mind because I feel like I want him to handle the situation like I told him I don't and won't deal with unnecessary stress and will just focus on her safety and well being from now on. My question is what would be a good way to approach this when I talk with her because I know that she is going to spin it to make it seem like I am the worst person for something very innocent. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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Try not to bite, it sounds like this is either her way of dealing with boredom, her way of making sure she has control or her need to have contact with you, coming up with whatever reasons she can. But whatever is driving it you are going to have to be the one strong enough to ignore her unreasonableness. It doesn't sound like she has any medical or mental barriers altering her understanding or memory so I would suggest you just say "ok GM, I'm sorry I thought I was being helpful and didn't intend to create problems for you or Dad, I'll just stick with the medical stuff from now on" and the next time she asks for your assistance with anything like this or the heating pad, anything other than MPOA "duties" just politely decline, "I learned my lesson with the lotion, I think I'll just stay in my lane and out of this, I don't want to upset you again" Try not to let her get under your skin by getting mad or exchanging heated words with her, take the air out of her balloon if you will by just accepting responsibility and being clear you wont be taking on those responsibilities again. This will change of course over time but try to wait until she is no longer able to do these things for herself and actually asks for and needs your help, save your energies. Otherwise I suspect if you give her an inch she's going to take a mile in the manipulation department.
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Step back and don’t join in with her in making mountains out of molehills. I know it’s the principal of the thing, but when this starts up again and starts escalating, tell her you have to go because you have something on the stove and have to tend to it. Assure her that you know she can handle it. Then get on with your life.
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She is blowing this whole lotion thing out of proportion. It's lotion (this time), and you have better things to do with your time than coordinate lotion. Just drop the subject.

Stop being the middleman between your grandmother and your father. Unless it's truly a medical issue, let them work it out. Enabling is disabling. Go live your life.
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My Dad was famous for this.

I did finally learn to just stop. Last time it happened I told him I was sorry, and it wouldn’t happen again. Then, a few days later he tries the same old stunt. I handed him a piece of paper with the phone number on it. I told him I would not be placing that call, and walked away.

each time there after, same response from me, hand him a paper with the contact info on it and walk away.
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I agree, if she can cancel, she can order. When u start doing everything for ppl they start to depend in it and also letting them do stuff for themselves ensures they don't forget.
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She is 89. There is some decline at that age. Maybe not Dementia but decline. Seems she is capable of canceling stuff so she is capable for ordering. I would not do anything for her and when she asks why tell her. And, I wouldn't have her live closer. Like you said, just make sure she is safe. She really is Dads responsibility. Go, enjoy ur new life.
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You can't change other people. All you can do is love them on your terms, in your way and hope they accept that love. It's no good trying to twist your life into knots in order to satisfy another humans demands.
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