What to do?
My mother has been living with my daughter and I since 1999. My daughter is Autistic but can take care of herself. My mother has been diagnosed with chronic lung disease. And slowly declining. Off and on admitted to the hospital with swollen ankles. But we have fix that with a no salt I take. Now she been falling a lot three times since Christmas. This last time I wasn't home I was at work 10pm to 6 am. My daughter was unable to help her get up. She dead weight and won't help herself getup. I even tried and was unable to as well. 911 was here the day before and now is mad about coming to help since it's continuing. She been checked out and every is fine. The trouble is I am not always home. We had tried physical therapy which she doesn't always do the program. She has a lot of excuses to tired in the bathroom for 35 minutes their entire visit. Sick or something. This has happened even when they come over to the apartment and even the therapy place. She doing it again making promises again which I k ow we will just be going back to a merry go round. But I don't want to put her in home. The case manager stated they could only do three day a week for in home care and only during the day. She won't even try to get herself up. So, I am at a lost on what to do. Any suggestions? I can't leave work and just do the stay home. I've been with my company 20+ years. And will lose my benefits my retirement my medical insurance. I also have arthritis in my knees and back disc problems myself.
6 Answers
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I'd like you to consider how this situation could affect your daughter. She's doing well, but people with autism have higher rates of mental ill health and anxiety. Not being able to help her grandmother could well be a trigger for her. Although, please do not mention this, as you do not want your daughter feeling responsible if your mum is placed in a facility. That would be grossly unfair. But please think about it, yourself.
However, I also do not think that this situation is in your mum's best interests. You cannot take adequate care of her. That's the bottom line and the only reason you need.
Do the right thing.
These falls when this becomes frequent do not have any other cause often. than just the debility and a brain thing that makes elders loose balance. I am 82. I will tell you now that you will know it when it comes. Where you used to be able to correct for a moment off balance or recover when tripping on the sidewalk, suddenly you will be a feather in the wind no matter WHAT you weigh. I better hang on, on the busses now or I will go down. That simple. The brain cannot balance any more.
You have a child who had some deficits now attempting care that is beyond her.
You cannot supply the care either.
You recognize the downward spiral and the certainty of this trajectory. You may be able to put this off for a little more time, and you may not, but it is time now to start the discussion with your Mom. Placement is in the near future, whether any of you like that or not. Not everything can be fixed. I am so sorry.
Placing a LO in a facility that will meet their care needs is not an easy decision to make.
ANY time your mom falls you should call 911 or the non emergency number and ask for a "LIFT ASSIST". If you try to get you mom up you can hurt yourself or her. The paramedics are trained to help someone up and not hurt themselves or the person they are helping.
In most cases there is no charge for the call if there is no transport to the hospital. (In some areas there is a charge)
A few suggestions.
Look into having a caregiver with mom when you are not home. There are different levels of caregivers ranging from "companion" to caregivers that do more "hands on care" to nursing care. contact a few agencies and they can evaluate mom and discuss what care is needed.
Start looking for a facility that can manage her care.
That could range from Assisted Living to Long Term or Skilled Nursing facilities.
With the chronic lung disease and her continued decline she may soon need more care than you can provide at home.
Your mother now needs WAY more help than you or your daughter can provide, and it's ok to throw in the towel and say enough is enough. You've already went above and beyond for her so I wouldn't feel guilty at all for saying that you just can't do this anymore.
Any mother in their right mind would NEVER want to be a burden to their children or grandchildren.
So start looking now for other living options for your mother(as in facilities)and get the ball rolling on getting her placed.
And on a side note, I'm sorry that your EMT's or firefighters are not being very nice about coming to help pick your mother up off the floor. That is part of their job and should be kind and gracious to do it.
There was a 2 month period when my late husband fell 9 times and the EMT's were always so kind to come and pick him up, and never once did they complain but instead explained that that was what they were there for.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your mother where she will receive the 24/7 care she now requires.
As long as you hang on to this, there'll be no solution for either of you. She'll become bedridden in your home -- she's pretty close to it now, especially if she falls again.
If she cannot afford daily in-home aids, or won't accept them, she needs to be in a facility so you can work to support yourselves and have a life.
I would take her to her doctor (pulmonologist?) and discuss whether she's a candidate for LTC (long-term care). Medicaid pays for LTC if she also qualifies financially. You can transition her into a good local facility on private pay -- one that accepts Medicaid -- and then when she is close to being out of money you help her apply for Medicaid. This is a common strategy.
I understand that she and/or you don't want her to live in a facility but it's really the only solution if she doesn't have the funds for any other options.