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My sister in law is widowed. She has a small home still with a mortgage at age 75. She has been living on social security and a part time job. She waited too long for a knee replacement and there are now not sure of the success. While she has been waiting for the operation. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. She said she needed food. I went and brought her about 2 weeks worth of groceries. When I was there she asked if I could take her to pick up her new glasses, which I did. Then told me she really needed a walker (I could have brought her one from our house) but she needed it immediately, so I bought it. The next day she told me it would be great if she had a basket for her walker, I had Amazon send one. Finally one more stop, she needed beer. I bought it. About 2 weeks later she texted me with a grocery list of items she needed. I had them delivered. It happened again, and I forgot an item and they were out of two other things. Not long after she wanted to know when was I going to bring the rest of the stufff she needed. I couldn't tell her. I have a husband who is a double amputee in a wheelchair with his own medical problems. Finally she asked if I could lend her 200.00. I gave her 350 and told her it was a gift but I couldn't do anymore. I made a list of various services that might help her, including meals on wheels. I also told her that she needs to address the possibility she won't return to work and would no longer to be able to afford living in her home with her 2 dogs and cat. This is not the first time I have had this conversation. The reality is that she cannot afford to stay there on Social Security alone. She is not eligible for a reverse mortgage because she does not have enough equity in the home. I received a text from her how much I hurt her feelings and she was all alone while I have me and my husband. I feel terrible but at the same time used, which is my own fault for not addressing this right away. I want to make sure she is okay and I feel awful she would have to sell her home but I don't see any other alternative. Because of her leg, the upkeep on the home alone is too much for her and it's already filthy. How can I help and keep my distance? I am relieved she is upset with me because I only offered once to get groceries and some how gave the impression it was going to be an ongoing thing. I can afford to help but I feel like it is expected of me and what happens if and when I can no longer do that. She is a tough and angry lady and I feel sorry for her. She has no siblings and no children. She is alone. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I even offered for her to recoup from surgery here but she would have to find someone to dog sit. They are pit bulls and I am afraid of them plus they have been destructive in her home. How do assist and yet keep myself removed from this relationship. I do feel very sorry for her. Thanks.

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"She has no siblings and no children."

Never take her into your house. You will become her caregiver and you have enough on your plate. Its time for her to sell that house. She can no longer keep it up. Also, find homes for her dogs. The proceeds from the sale of the house can go towards a low income apartment. She can get food stamps. There are food closets. She needs to call Office of Aging and see if they can help her set up things she needs.

My mantra is "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way". I am 75 and very capable of finding services I may need. She may be able to get SSI which is a supplimental income if her Social Security is not enough. This may include Medicaid health. She needs to go to her County Social Services to see what she can get. You can't do this for her. She must do it on her own. This you must get thru to her, she needs to do this on her own. You are

You can sympathize with her situation, but she needs to do what she has to for herself. First, sell her home. No apt complex will allow pit bulls. She needs to find new homes or surrender them to a no kill shelter. She needs to use the resourses that are available to her. You have a husband who needs care and he is your priority. If she refuses to do what she needs to, call APS and ask if they can go see her and help her get the resources she needs. You can only do so much. If she refuses help or to follow thru, thats on her not you.
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It's not clear if she's always been this way, or she now has a degree of cognitive impairment that is causing her to have unrealistic expectations of your involvement. I don't think you need to engage in any lengthy conversations trying to "convince" her of anything. You keep telling her you're not willing to provide the amount of care she obviously needs due to your own husband's health situation, but that you've contacted an agency (APS) that can provide help to her so please let them in when they come. She will most likely do very poorly after her TKR (total knee replacement), something I myself have had at age 63 and can tell you recovery is very painful and requires a lot of personal assistance post-op, a commitment to PT and a clear-head regarding the prescription meds management. If you think she's needy now, you haven't seen anything until a failed TKR. You don't mention if she has adult children. If she has any, I would let them know what's going on. Does she have a PoA? Is it your husband? This would be helpful to know. Do not lend her any more money for any reason because her financial situation is unsustainable: she'll just keep needing the extra every month going forward. That means she cannot afford the house or probably even the dogs. She is living beyond her means. Sounds like she's been taking out the equity of her house to live on and has drained it. My SFIL did the same and he ended up 100% broke, with cc debt, and a foreclosed house, putting himself and my MIL is a terrible situation in their neediest years. He became a ward of legal guardian, which was the best solution possible for him. It may be the case for your SIL. My husband was PoA for my MIL. We allowed their house to go into foreclosure because they hadn't paid their property taxes in 3 years and couldn't keep up with the ballooned 2nd mortgage. Foreclosure can take a while since there's a process. The guardian moved my SFIL to a Medicaid facility and we moved my MIL into AL on an Medicaid Elder Waiver. Your husband seems to be keeping his boundary with her. You should do the same. There are solutions for your SIL's situation... it just cannot be you.
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Sister sounds like a master manipulator. She is lucky to own a home, and will make money off it when she sells it.

Might be a good idea to contact APS, to report a vulnerable senior living alone. She can recover from surgery in a Rehab, not your house.

Does your husband (her brother?) know you gave her a $350 cash gift, and she expects it to be a regular thing now? That she was already nagging you for items you didn't get at the store? She texts you her "feelings are hurt." as if she is owed by you?

The more you give, the more she takes. She had nerve asking for BEER. You need to be very clear you are NOT her solution, she needs to get familiar with County resources (SNAP, Food Bank, discounted utility programs, Meals on Wheels, low income senior housing) and get them HERSELF.

You didn't cause her poverty situation, it is not your fault she is old, widowed and alone. What has she ever done for you out of total generosity? Or her brother? You have your own husband to take care of, you have to save your own money for your own elder years.

Better put your foot down now, before it gets any worse. She's going to get mad, and that is too bad. Nip it in the bud now. No more cash or groceries. She needs to get a low income apartment, and sell her home. Sign up on the list NOW.

I wish you luck in getting SIL another source of funds.
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”I received a text from her how much I hurt her feelings and she was all alone while I have me and my husband. I feel terrible but at the same time used …”

“She is a tough and angry lady and I feel sorry for her.”

“… but she would have to find someone to dog sit. They are pit bulls and I am afraid of them plus they have been destructive in her home.”

You are obviously a kind and caring person, Sisterin, but if you want to help your difficult SIL without being totally overwhelmed and overtaken by her endless problems you will have to have boundaries of steel! I think you also have to be OK with her being angry about your boundaries. She’s angry anyway, right?

PS I have a bad feeling about her moving into your home, even temporarily! And trust your instincts about her scary dogs!
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I once had an excellent college professor who often said “we never help anyone by feeling sorry for them” It’s so true. Unfortunately your help, though well intentioned, did not help. It only caused her fantasy of everything being sustainable to keep on for a while longer while you became her new solution. Her situation is not good for her and needs for her to see clearly that it’s no longer working. That won’t happen with you stepping in out of feeling sad for her. Refer her to local social service agencies that know the right programs that may actually help and step back.
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You are very kind, and she is taking advantage of that. She needs to look into Meals on Wheels, SNAP, possibly get on a waiting list for low-income senior housing and then sell her house. Consider yourself as having done what you could by giving her the list of services. Now she needs to contact them herself. I hope she will be able to sort out her situation, and I hope you will have peace of mind that you can't handle her needs while dealing with your own plus your husband's.
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You’ve been drafted into being a caregiver .
You’ll need to set boundaries .
Give her the number of her County Agency of Aging to help her find resources .
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You are being manipulated by a master at it. I don't blame her. She is alone and desperate. That is why she may need to move into care, avail herself of social worker help, meals on wheels and etc.
The truth is that there will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions.
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