My mother in law is in a nursing home close by her son an only child, she has gotten angry because she hasn’t been to our house since she has been here. My husband said at Christmas time she can come over. The problem is she is on a wheelchair because she falls easily and we live in a stilt home in the FL keys so you have to climb steps. The other problem is she just doesn’t know when to go to the bathroom and I’m sorry but I just don’t feel like cleaning a couch after this☹️ I feel so confused on what to do and my husband and I are fighting because of all of this. Does anyone else have this problem?
Sounds like it would be best to be prudent for her safety and your sanity.
so please let us all know....
how did it go? What did you do and not do and how are things with you and DH because you know, we are all dying to know by now!!
Much love and Merry Christmas to you!
Walk or wheel mom to the bathroom every hour or two as a just in case. Minimizing accidents.
How do you and your husband get up to the living area of the house? Ask your husband what he suggests to get her up to the apartment.
You have received lots of good advice here. Both husband and wife need to be onboard with the logistics and the work division.
For the future, create a Christmas box, maybe a plastic tote with lid. Put in a small pop-up tree, a few ornaments she would enjoy seeing nice again. Clearance Christmas party plates, napkins, etc. the idea is to make it easy to take the holiday to her. If able, maybe a small, portable printer and picture frame, to take photo of her and her son, and print, to put on display in fram in the box, planned for the special holiday party. Your spouse will love you all the more for giving his mother a bit of special thought and preparation. Many supermarkets have cooked holiday meals, that you can just heat and serve. Since transportation and logistics take a good chunk of time away from the hostess’ time, make it as easy as possible. Might the nursing home have a microwave you could use, or invest in a few small crockpots for keeping holiday foods hot for the trip to her. The visit is the point, not gifts, not the menu.
As for the potty problem, I am sure Mom would never want to cause undue work. Perhaps one of the moisture barrier mattress pads, with a blanket or coverlet over it, on the chair or sofa where she will be sitting at your home? I wouldn’t let potty accidents keep me from having mom visit. Enjoy Mom while you still have her.
There are washable waterproof pads available in several colors that I would suggest using along with incontinence underwear; with just a little bit of luck, you will not need to clean your car seats or couch. Make sure she has on a clean panty when you leave NH, change as needed during the visit and change into a clean panty before heading back to the NH. Even if there's a minor leak, the pad will most likely contain it all.
Incontinence panties have tearable sides just like a children's training pull-up. I suggest your MIL wear a dress so changes will be easier. I place a throw over my mother's legs for warmth. If she can still stand with a walker or grab bars you can place a clean panty over her feet, then get her to stand while you tear the old panty on the sides and place into a plastic grocery bad, use baby wipes as needed to clean her, then just pull up the new panty, tie the handles on the bag and throw away. I use a couple of plastic chip clips to tack the dress up during changes. If she cannot stand you will probably need to use the bed and roll her from side to side to pull the new panty up. I would use a disposable pad to protect the bed during changes.
If no one in your family wants to cope with changing incontinence panties, you could consider engaging a CNA to assist with MIL's care that day/afternoon.
I feel guilty but I know that for my own sanity I just can’t do it. My husband and I have given her 47 years of attention for every holiday and now I feel it is time to take a step back. We are not forgetting her on Christmas....we will visit her at her place.
Your husband has to figure out if it would be worth it if something happened to her and she fell and broke something! Live with that! Enjoy Christmas and visit her at her facility. Make it a party!
Yes, the fire department will come do a “lift assist”... I know because my husband, son, and I are all volunteer members of our town fire company. BUT... for anyone who needs this- I’d suggest calling the non-emergency number. (Otherwise it comes to our house’s “active 911” pager as an emergency and we literally RUN with blue lights to the station and respond with an engine)
as far as your couch, I cover my cushions with plastic, then put a nice blanket over it when my dad comes. He tends to have leaky Depends. It’s not worth the argument at the holidays, which are stressful enough. If hubby is insisting that mom comes for a few hours, let him get her into the house, plan the meal, cook, clean, and refresh the couch after she leaves. It might be less appealing to him once he figures out he’s on his own.
Enjoy the holidays!!!
I face the same problem with my brother. It's funny because I live on an Island also. In order to get into my apartment there is a flight of cement stairs, from there it is 3 easy flights. My brother is in a wheelchair. He frequents the bathroom every 10 minutes because of the amount of fluid meds. Soooo, in order for him to come to my home I call the Fire Department. They put him in a special chair, strap him in and carry him up. Mind you, he is no light weight either. When it's time for him to leave, I call them and they take him down. Check with your Fire Department - they may offer this service too. (I always make a ton of cookies and cakes for them.) As far as your Mom's potty issue - if she won't wear depends I would put one of those water proof pads where ever she will be sitting. I am wondering if you slipped a depend into her panties if she would catch on to it...
One of MY issues is feeling guilty not taking him out on Christmas. This year we are going to the nursing home Christmas Eve. I reserved the dining room - so will bring dinner as well. The holidays are a struggle in many ways.
Best of luck. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
My husband gets irritated that I don't put him first (men are and always will be children and act like it. He gets worse the older he gets!). I tell him he doesn't have a clue about what and how I feel about having my Mom disappear before my eyes and everything I MUST DO because I am her guardian/conservator. He never had to deal with anything like what I'm going through and my siblings back home don't even really try to visit Mom on a regular basis. They have her, I travel from TX to AZ to take care of everything AND if I'm lucky, I get about an hour with her/step-father.
Eexcuse me as I don't know the inner workings of your relationship, but me, I do not have a problem telling my husband where he can go and what to do when he gets there. UNTIL he walks in my shoes....SHUT UP and go your own way if you need.
Therapy has really helped me to get my voice back that I didn't even realize I had lost.
47 yrs of marriage and still counting because he says it's cheaper to keep me😁.
Make your stand and follow through. You maybe surprised that your husband will just stand against the wall with his jaw on the floor when you walk through that door to visit your Mother!
Merry Christmas!!
In all of this, we do make time to do things together. When Mom was with us, after a year, I placed her in daycare. It gave us time to do things for ourselves.
Visit on Christmas, then go home & chill!!
I always use the aides to assist Mom. I hated toileting. I guess I could have helped her at the AL but She was paying big bucks for aides to care for her. So I always got an aide when needed, I also tried to make things a little easier for them when I could.
If Mom doesn't know when she has to go, doesn't the NH have her in Depends? I can't imagine they strip her down all the time and redress her. Maybe they do the every two hour thing and it works. I would stipulate she needs to wear a Depend. Have the staff have her go before you leave. Sometime during her stay, I would have her go. I like the not more than 4 hour thing for the length of her visit. Dementia or not, the elderly tire easily.
I also like Rockets suggestion on talking to the PT and see if its doable then they are the bad guys if they say no. If husband does this, I would suggest getting two strong men to help.
Furniture...put cushions in a black trash bag. Then cover with a blanket. Tucking it in so it looks like part of the couch.
Husband needs to learn not to promise Mom anything. She is a NH for a reason. It should always be, "we will see how you are by then". Because one day she may be OK, the next day not.
I think if husband goes thru with this, he won't do it again. Don't say I told you so.😊 Please get back to us and tell us how things turn out.
To me the deciding factor is his plan to get her up the stairs and through the house in the wheelchair safely. Can she actually walk up stairs with people on each side? The nursing home PT department can tell you what is a safe way to do it. Tell them that stairs are involved and they will give you a little training to do it safely. In fact at Moms NH the family has to be trained by PT in transferring and authorized in their records to remove a wheelchair resident in a private vehicle (vs a transport van) This only takes an hour but has to be set up in advance...not as you’re wheeling her out the door. Maybe you could ask DH to check on this now, and then the 2 of you can decide if it’s doable. And of course if PT decides it’s unsafe, they will be the bad guys, not you.
The rest of her issues could be manageable, not fun but manageable, and may help your DH to have his Mom with him at Christmas, before she inevitably declines further. He may decide not to do it again.
If you decide to bring your Christmas celebration to her NH, there will be upset (on her part) and maybe disappointment and guilt, so you now get to decide which feelings you are willing to deal with and process.
remember, it's not our feelings that get us into trouble, it's our actions... Choose the actions that will be for your greater good and for the greater overall good of your holiday celebrations. Recognize that there is no perfect solution, just the one you and your husband can live with in the best possible way...
I wish you ease, and the ability to enjoy Christmas... and we breathe...