My mother in law is in a nursing home close by her son an only child, she has gotten angry because she hasn’t been to our house since she has been here. My husband said at Christmas time she can come over. The problem is she is on a wheelchair because she falls easily and we live in a stilt home in the FL keys so you have to climb steps. The other problem is she just doesn’t know when to go to the bathroom and I’m sorry but I just don’t feel like cleaning a couch after this☹️ I feel so confused on what to do and my husband and I are fighting because of all of this. Does anyone else have this problem?
Whenever I visit, she expects me to do all the moving her. ( I injured my back in 1996 and have been on disability since. 3 failed back surgeries I am 64 and limited in what I can lift.
She says she is coming home for an overnight visit Christmas. I don't think I can handle this. I am also afraid that once she is back in the home, she will refuse to leave.
I have missed visiting her less then 10 days since October 2017 and usually spend a minimum of 4 hours with her, When she has been hospitalized or first moved back to the NH sometimes as much as 18 hours. I also have a learning disabled 18 YO boy at home. He visits with her at least 2 times a week.
What to do?
How often did MIL visit your home (wherever you might have lived) in the past 5 years? Past 2 years? Past 1 year?
This sounds like classic case MAMA DRAMA. The only body part that hasn’t given out is her mouth, and she’s going in for the kill: holiday guilt.
She asks her only son for the almost-impossible, and won’t let it drop.
Why? For the attention.
When? Christmas - of course!
OK - Let’s pretend you have a elevator and a budget to replace your furniture and a handyman on retainer who will widen your bathroom doorway tomorrow.
What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?
Or will MIL enter with a recitation of foods she cannot eat (everything you are serving).... and complain about your dog.... and take issue with the temperature of your house.... and demand to know why some moldy ornament from 1951 isn’t on your tree?
This is a tough one. Maybe say yes, and let the old bird ruin your furniture and ruin your day. Afterwards, you’ll have some leverage for the (much-needed) come-to-Jesus convo with your husband.
You said:
"What will MIL act like once she gets in your house? Will she be a gracious guest and a good conversationalist?"
That should be the criteria for any guest....coming into our homes.
This crossed my mind over the last 30 days of my suffering and wondering if I could take it from a certain visitor. My mind said: "But they are not a very good guest", and I passed that thought by, continued to suffer.
Outcome: Everyone was on their best behavior out in public, at a restaurant.
I will remember your comment in 2019!
The incontinence is simple enough as long as she agrees. Have the staff put her in a pull up. Go with him to pick her up and make sure you ask the staff or physically check if she’s in a clean one before you leave with her. Arrive early to ensure time to check this.
Lay a blanket across your car seats and furniture. All of the furniture, so as to look natural. You could put a towel underneath it too just in case it would leak and for your peace of mind.
I understand mother in law issues!! Believe me I do. But ultimately this is his mom and he wants and needs this time with her at Christmas. Be thankful it’s only this one day! It’s just not a battle I would take on with your spouse over this one visit. Surely he feels guilty about her not seeing your place. Sounds like she’s made sure of this. Guilt tripping mothers are extremely effective at this.
I learned a whole lot about my MIL and my husband in two years of living with my MIL.
If your furniture would get soiled, I would calmly and matter of factly buy new furniture.
Maybe all your husband really wants from you is your willingness to try to do this for him. Once he has your blessing he’ll quickly realize this is an impossible request. I’m picturing lots of wooden small stairs at least 6 to 10 feet up to get to your place.
Then what if there was emergency with her? How would the squad get her down? Unless he can build a ramp or install and elevator I just don’t see it happening.
So give your blessing and do try to make it a nice visit for the two of them. Limit the time for her well-being due to the incontinence to no more than 4 hours start to finish. Unless he and she are ok with her being changed by him and you have a bathroom and a door large enough to accommodate the wheelchair too. Good grief, that’s a whole lot of work just for a location.
A better idea would be to find a restaurant or some other place and spend time with her that way. Go to the nursing home and have Christmas there.
One of our families in the nursing home, recently made a day of having their loved one give gifts to the staff with cards with lotto tickets and a large throw to each of us. Lol they’re very wealthy though. But simply giving out chocolates or cookies is a nice gesture that she may enjoy.
Buy her a small Christmas tree for her room and help her decorate it and exchange gifts. Whatever their old tradition was try to simulate it there.
I’m really thinking he’d rather you be the obstacle then for him to have to tell her it just can’t happen because of her wheelchair. I don’t know you two but your posted information has me wondering if that’s the case? Guilt tripping moms are really difficult to deal with directly, perhaps you’re easier to pick a fight with? Hang tight and refuse to be the bad guy here.
Best wishes!
Let us know how it goes.
If your dH actually has a reasonable plan to get her there and into the house then as Daughterof1930 pointed out the toileting issues are not insurmountable, point out that lots of women younger than her use an incontinence pad or brief when they are out for the day and remind her to go in and "freshen up" when she arrives and before the meal.