It's been cloudy and cold the last few days (for FL) and my mom has been extra miserable. God forbid the weather not be perfect! She's in that "I'm not happy" mood and basically wants me to sit around listening while she complains non-stop. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've been trying to avoid her with excuses, but I can tell it's only making her more angry.
The other day she started asking me questions about the expense sheet I kept when we purchased and renovated her condo. She wanted to know if she got "credit" for the money she gave us at the start of the renovations. It was $20K out of the 70K+ spent. I told her yes, and then went to get my ledger to show her where the 20K was listed and couldn't immediately find it so I asked her why she was wondering. I knew her money was listed and my mom has a photocopy of the ledger, something she requested last year. At that point she dropped it and moved on to some other "concern".
My take away- she is miserable here. Living by me has not been the experience she thought it would be. Never mind that it's been my worse nightmare come true. For her -- she is miserable too. I believe that she wants to move, but the problem is twofold. She really has no place to go (this is the biggest problem), and she can't afford it, not a place to her standards. The way the equity in her condo stands right now, we would both lose money. I also made it clear to her last summer when she threatened to move over me trying to stop her driving that I would not be signing anything unless I had a guarantee protected by a lawyer that I get every cent we put in FIRST and she can have what's left. I refuse to take a loss on this when I took money out of our retirement account to fund this FOR HER. But like I said, the biggest issue is she has nowhere to go. I could rent her condo for easy 2K a month or more, so if it came down to it, the finances could probably be worked out, and that would be FINE by me!! But there is no place for her to go.
She's dealing with her own issues, or rather NOT dealing with them and her increased digs at me, from everything to what I wear to "your hair looks dirty". It wasn't. She was just in a mood. That's code for she needs attention. I'm tired of the digs about how we "never" go out to eat. We "never" do this, or that... it just goes on and on. I want to scream I AM NOT YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE!
She has NO friends here. She refuses to even consider the senior center or anything related. There are snow bird activities going on, I've offered to go with her to start... nope. Wants nothing to do with it.
I'm at my wits end, again. I keep hoping the Wellbutrin will kick in but it hasn't yet. I told my husband last night that I'm thinking of lying to her and saying I got a job somewhere, just to be unavailable without having to explain what I'm doing.
To make matters worse, I can't talk to my mom about ANY of this. I have already been ORDERED to NEVER say the word dementia to her again, ever. (I dared to say it twice in the last 18 months while wanting to talk about the future) So any and all conversations about her future care needs are somehow forbidden. She wants business as usual which means she runs the show, she decides all the rules, and if she isn't happy, nobody is going to be happy.
Is there any way I can make this better?
Happiness does come from within - it can be achieved when one participates in activities that one likes, but if she doesn't have any that she likes or can't do anymore, so be it. You can try to engage her in a class, or joining in a Senior Center activity and/or meal, but if she refuses, move on. Our mother started self-isolating, who knows why. She used to go to SC activities and the free or very low cost meals offered at the SC with friends from the condo area (55+), but started making excuses or just not showing up. For her it was probably partly the dementia and partly her hearing problem, but she wouldn't go. Her friends and even some who worked at the SC tried to encourage her to go and enlist her friends, but nothing doing! We would also hear the "don't get out", "nothing to do here", "boring looking at the same 4 walls everyday", etc, but encouraging her to get out or invite friends over, or suggesting AL, nope. If asked what she wanted to do, she might say 'go out and have a pizza.' Oh excitement - be still my beating heart!!!
Is there anything she used to do that might spark some interest? If not, you can only offer what's out there and if she refuses, that's her choice. SC should have a newsletter with upcoming activities - can you get that sent to her, or pick it up and leave it for her? I recall your post about her driving and getting a new license in PA - where would she go when she still drove? Would any of those places help?
If not, misery loves company, could you find someone else who is also miserable to come visit with her? Then they could kvetch together! Maybe even hiring the most miserable aide you can find might work - they can BMC together!
If nothing works, have cameras for monitoring and you do what YOU like to do. It isn't your job to make her happy, and even if it was, it isn't likely to happen anyway. Find your own outlets and don't even make excuses for not going - just no, I'm busy, I'll be there later (with NO indication of when later is.) Hopefully if you get better at pushing back and limiting access you can get off the meds too! It won't likely change anything for her, but if you limit time with her, the negatives won't be as bad for you!
Be on the lookout for a facility, as living alone won't last. Rental income, if you go that way, can help pay for the AL place. We could have done rental too, but not being local to me I didn't want to take on being landlord along with everything else I have to do! I manage everything else for mom, bros are mostly useless, so that would have been dumped on me - no thanks! In your case, it is local and due to monetary concerns, selling it probably isn't the best option. In our case, it worked out well, as this was the only 55+ on the market in that area and we had a bidding war! EC atty fees (it was a life estate) sucked up quite a bit, but when all said and done, we got at least the original asking price! Let the doctor (hopefully on board), or someone else be the bad guy when the time comes.
Mom is who she is. You can't change her, only yourself and how you react to her. Limited access and walking away if she starts something you don't want to deal with are what you can control. Time to take control of yourself! Work on YOUR happiness!!!
My mom drives to the doctors, grocery store and nail/hair appointments. All local and fairly close. I don't encourage any more driving, or any driving for that matter. I refuse to be a passenger with her, and she knows how I feel about it. We had huge fights last summer when she was in PA getting that PA license. I warned her of the repercussions of lying about residency, her medical state, her pending FL revocation -- nothing worked, she did it anyway. I'm in FL blowing a gasket and my sibling were all casual "Just let her be and maybe she'll change her mind"....
She has a summer cottage in PA. The area is fairly secluded and even though she's been going there for many years, a lot of friends have sold and moved on. She only has 2 friends up there now and while she claims she socializes with them a lot I have my doubts. The cottage is worth about 150K. She also keeps a car up there worth about 10K. The reality is both should be sold and the funds earmarked for her care. Plus she is not safe there by herself imo. Last year I begged her to get a life alert system before she left. I researched for days and had picked out a few, she wouldn't do it. That was another fight. Again my siblings acted like I was over-reacting. "Let her go, she won't be able to stay up there much longer".
About 3 weeks ago she was over here and was acting extra loony. The next morning I texted my siblings on a group message and told them I don't feel she is safe to be at the cottage alone, I said to them: that is a FACT. She is progressing in the dementia! My brother who lives in PA is over an hour away, so he only gets up there on weekends, once or twice a month. I got no real reaction from them. My brother had an infected eye so he just went on about that, and my sister told me it's months away and not to worry yet. My sister tries to be on board and supportive of me so I'm not dissing her at all, but all of this is very secondary in her life. She's the smart one!
Meanwhile my mom is definitely planning on going again this Spring. .... Not sure why I'm telling you all of this.... oh yeah, how to fund her care. She has some assets/money, and I'm willing to manage renting her condo if that will help keep her in a decent place. In hindsight, I NEVER should have put our money into her condo and that would have forced the sale of the cottage before she could even move. Like an idiot I thought it would be great if she could keep going for "another 5-10 years" and my brother could inherit it eventually because he's broke. The onset of dementia changed everything.
I just feel like a lot of stuff is going to transpire in the next year. It makes me very nervous. My hope is that she goes to the cottage, my brother helps her sell it (it should sell quick) and she comes right back. As much as I don't want her here, I don't want her to be in danger up there alone. I'm the one ironically taking the stand on that.... meanwhile what I would give to have my life back. Ugh!
We want our loved ones to be happy and make our own brains crazy trying to figure it out for them. Your mom seems to have determined she is not going to be happy. In a situation such as hers perhaps she needs to hire someone to be with her for a few hours every day. Not you. That person can bring different conversations to her and get her out of her own thoughts. What about a cat too? Someone for her to take care of.
She's now 70, my mom 86. The lady has been very sick, but my mom refuses to go down the hall to even knock on her door. She says she's "younger than I am." SMH
She just sits here everyday and complains about her arthritic pain.
I'm generally patient and sympathetic, but today I am just irritated at her selfishness and self centeredness (something she has been all of her life).
Just visit when you can. I just say, "I dunno" where she asks why my siblings or children don't call.
You can't change people.
I didn’t talk about them behind their backs but they surely did speak about me behind my back. I think mom was offended that I didn’t take the bait. It’s just not my style.
Can’t control anyone else. Can’t change them. I don’t even want to. If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, I don’t want it anyway. No point in being sad about it. To quote a tired and over used expression, “It is what it is.”
The faux friend has to be under 65 or she is uncomfortable. I think her withdrawal from her "peers" has to do with her lack of confidence since she and my Dad were linked at the hip since they were 18. Daddy passed in '18 and her depression is always there. Her Dr gave her an antidepressant but it made her dizzy and she fell in her IL apt. Took 3 months for her to not be dizzy and walk without a cane. Bit afraid to go that route again.
Ideas I've had (besides the hired faux friends)are to set up a sign up genius with any her friend's names (I don't know anyone here) and request phone calls or short visit's or lunch dates...I'd explain she will try to say no, if you get her out you might need to do most of the talking, don't tell her about this being an organized effort and above all be patient if she forgets something or is quiet, maybe figure out the bill as she is having trouble with tip lately. Worth a try maybe.
I thought about a pet for company. She won't allow dog toenails on her floor. 1) not her floor at life care and 2) every other apartment in her condo has a dog 25lbs bigger than the size I'm thinking of. Pets really help but she won't do it. She loves pets.
Trying to get her to "garden" on her patio. Nope, dirt might get on patio, what? She loved working in yard. That was her favorite pastime. I tried to suggest getting a plot in the community garden she can piddle in. Nope, community. She is afraid to do the wrong thing or plant the wrong flowers in her own little box.
I am so frustrated because I am "camping" in this town/state since I came "temporarily" to help them downsize to a Life Care Community days after my divorce. I need her to try so I don't feel so bad going home. I did say why don't you move or come with me. Nope, never leaving this town. OK...I think I have to.
Mom and Dad loved their condo but hated every other part of living in this new place. Not joiners! They used to love to go out to dinner and dance. They would groan if someone knocked on their door at their home or the new one. Uninvited company to their "island' was a dreaded event. I don't want to be part of this isolated island anymore. I need to step out for a while and come back to visit.
Now, after Dad fell and declined til he passed in '18...no one comes or calls because they were so private. Mom won't call her friends of 45 years, or the younger friends she has known.
She continuously says she doesn't want to impose on anyone...I look at her and ask -except me?. I wake up crying. Miss Dad, miss my friends across the country and am very stressed about having so much on my plate to begin again, I haven't had time to even think of getting over my last chapter because so much to do now for them. Not helping is that I am not using good coping skills. Ive gained about 30 lbs since arriving. My fault I know but I'm having trouble turning it around.
I also have an over 45 brother who my folks have babysat for his whole life. He does live here and has for 35 years. Only came to see Dad 2x in the 10 months he was sick. My Mom worries about him 24/7. Pretty irritating. Needless to say he and I are not getting closer.
I am mad at Mom 98% of the time and I think I'm grieving Dad, my former life, family and also sad because I know she is not going to be here forever.... so the guilt hangs heavy even feeling this way. She has so much to offer. I am sad and disappointed that both my folks just quit and wanted me to be their only FT support and cheerleader when I've lived 2000 miles away for 45 years!
I've been given lots of good advice on this thread that I think would apply to you too as far as making your mom happy. We can't make ourselves responsible for that, as much as we want to help, I can relate to how you feel about it through, it's HARD to walk away and create safe boundaries.
I'm only on my second year of dealing with this, and feel crippled half the time so I don't have a whole bunch in the way of advice but I do have a few things.
Do NOT move her in with you, and do not move her close to you unless it's to a care facility close to your home. You CAN do this from afar if your mom refuses to relocate to a care home by you. Lots of people on this forum do successful long distance managing of their parents. Your mom digging in her heels "never leaving this town" is HER choice. Don't feel bad about leaving. You are not home and it's ridiculous that anyone would expect you to be camping out like this for so long. Looks to me like it's time for you to let Mom and brother know you are going home.
As to her socializing.... I feel you on this 100%. I think we have to come to terms that it is not for us to fix. If they really wanted to socialize, they would. Your mom was a loner before your dad died, so I'm not surprised she is being that way now. Some people are happier that way. Does your mom use the internet and any social media? If she doesn't have dementia and can navigate things like social media that might be engaging.
Let me know how the paid friends thing works out if you try it. I've considered that, but I'm not willing to pay for it, and my mom would be angry if I even suggested she try it. It would be insulting to her. I also thought of pets, but mine doesn't want any shedding whatsoever. She's OCD about her place. Actually she seemed disinterested in general so I dropped it.
You (we've) made suggestions to our mothers and they are making their choices. We're done dealing with it now. We're not their life partners.
Make yourself very happy today by making plans to return home. Get a ticket or whatever is needed and make a set date. It's time to take care of you.
But, she got out. She got to be in a different environment and used to the idea that there were things she was going to have to do, like it or not. Was she happy? Nope. It wasn’t about her having a good time it was about her being safe and in a happy stimulating environment, eating treats and supervised by professionals.