What to do when the FOG overwhelms you?
I thought I might be done posting to the Caregiver Burnout category, but I guess not. This past week, my 96 yr old mom in hospice care for cancer took what I believe is a turn for the worse. When I went for my weekly visit to her small group home, she was so weak, in pain and barely eating and was complaining once again about being so cold in her room. I decided to take some action and later that day called the house owner who offered to move mother to a different and larger private room because the A/C has posed a problem in her room for a while now (vents can't be adjusted so A/C is not to some extent blowing in mom's face). I thought this was a generous offer by the house owner, so I agreed, with the caveat that the staff inform mom why she was moving. Before I could get back in touch with mother to tell her myself that she'd be moving, the staff had already moved her, although I didn't know it yet. I then get a call from mom on her cell phone (which she always keeps turned off) saying "Don't bother coming back." I had no idea what the problem was. I actually thought she might be upset because that day the hospice nurse had called to tell me that mother was having problems with her catheter and had developed some other physical symptoms that indicated a downturn. So when I asked mom what she was talking about, she said "I think you know what I mean." But I really didn't. Was it the room change (which I didn't know had occurred yet), or the catheter problem or something else? I was floored. She finally said they had moved her to another room and she was upset about it. I rushed out to the house to try to defuse the situation and after 2 hours she was calmer, but still I could tell she was mad about the move. The thing is, I was only trying to act in her best interest. She seemed to be suffering so much because of the temperature of her room. I thought I was past all of this feeling of guilt about her situation. I've been steeling myself for over 8 months regarding her deteriorating condition, trying not to feel fear, obligation, guilt about everything (to little avail), and then this happens. I never meant to do anything to increase her suffering, especially at this late stage. It's such a no-win situation. I just wish she had died months ago so her suffering would be over and I would not have the responsibility of making these impossible decisions about how to try to help her at this point. And it's frightening how she can still be so passive-aggressive ("don't bother coming back" and "I think you know what I mean") even in such a weakened state. I am an only child so I am totally responsible for her with no help from anyone else.
Big hugs during the next days. You're doing all you can and everything your mother needs you to do. Mostly, you're there for her. She is very lucky.