What to do when they start hoarding ridiculous stuff?

My mom in her late seventies starting buying back up items to her back up stash....6 bottles of everything, huge quantities of paper towels, toiletries in excess etc. In her younger years she did not do this. At 80 it got worse..many cans of food she rarely ate or served. Food stacked in her bedroom when the pantry got full. As her memory worsened her hoarding got worse. At 85 she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia. She now hoards used paper napkins, broken hangers, bits of used papers, bulletins and Bibles she sees in her facility public areas. I remove some of it when she heads to the bathroom. She forgets she even had a lot of it. Good Luck.

My husband has taken to buying things online. He buys supplements and other OTC medications, that he stashes and never uses and there is so much he can never find the things he needs. Sometimes he buys on a subscription that I have to unwind.

He buys t-shirts and shoes until there is no place to put them. He buys toys for our dogs every chance he gets. What does a man who only wears t-shirts and shorts need with a Stars and Stripes bow tie. He never even wore bow ties. It’s a good thing we are financially secure or he might break us.

I, too, dread the day when I will have to sift through and dispose of all of this stuff. I’ve about decided to go through some of his stuff when he’s not paying attention and cull things I think he’s forgotten about.

I never had this issue with either of my parents.

It’s a good thing because I don’t think I would have had the patience to deal with it. I absolutely hate clutter and I would be tempted to start pitching things out.

My mother was extremely neat and never hoarded anything.

Best of luck resolving this issue.

My DH has difficulty throwing things out. They are reminders of an earlier life, his parents, his kids, his business, long-lost friends, hobbies he had as a child, etc. We have recently retired and will be seriously downsizing. All the years he couldn't go through his stuff come down to this: It is getting thrown out.

He can get new stuff when we move. Anything he didn't need in the last 2 years is trash. The only exceptions are family pictures and documents, and we know where they are.

We all deal with it. Mom's stuff isn't stuff. It's trash. Don't discuss, don't debate, and don't disclose. I say, "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Get Mom out of the house for a few hours at a time and get rid of a few large bags of trash. Don't leave it where she will see it; put it in a dumpster. And don't leave trash around for her to go through. This isn't safe or sanitary.

Get black garbage bags, once she falls asleep throw items in bags and take the bags outside. Next day if she asks, where is this or that, you reply, "I have no idea where you put it" or "I put it away for safe keeping(mind you this may trigger "give it back"), or "we must have gotten robbed last night." Good luck.

AnxietyNancy, yes it is fairly common to horde items from family members who pass. I think many people feel they would be tossing out a person's existence if they got rid of whatever that person owned. I know Mark has about ten boxes of things that belonged to his late mother. A lot of it is old paperwork, bank statements, cards, pretty much anything including a lot of things that are not usable (some of it covered in layers of cig smoke and yellow). I had no clue how much stuff he had until I had to go through it. His mother died of a heart attack when he was 17, so I think he still has grief he hasn't gotten through.

Has your mother talked to someone about your father's death?

Hoarding, believe it or not, is a form of OCD and stems from anxiety. For someone to really solve hoarding issues there has to be many avenues to treatment. Someone will need not only medication, but therapy and it will need to be ongoing. I have learned some about this from watching Hoarders (yes, I know, kind of a guilty pleasure) that those that hoard need to have a small, controlled space where they can be supervised. Many elderly are lifelong hoarders and without a place with supervision they will just accumulate again. Hoarders have a mental block on things that are worthless or dangerous and often have other mental illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD.

The thing about cleaning up after hoarders is they will not see something as "clean" until they fully process parting with the items. Therapists will also need to see if they have any unresolved mourning or grief issues. Many hoarders hold onto items because they feel if they get rid of an item they are getting rid of a person.

Hoarding is a mental illness. Hoarding does not suddenly start when a person has dementia. Hoarding starts earlier in life and it intensifies as the person gets older. My husband was a hoarder and it had nothing to do with dementia as I believe all his life he hoarded stuff.

My husband was a hoarder until I fixed that problem by throwing his stuff in the trash. My husband’s profession was a nurse and he used to keep every piece of paper that he wrote on while at work from since the 1960’s, 1970’s, 1980’s, and 1990’s. He also used to keep the Parade magazines from since the 1980’s and 1990’s. I had to fix his hoarding problem by dumping his stuff in the trash because I saw how his hoarding was getting out of control and it was affecting my health.

I don’t know how severe the hoarding problem is with your mother, but if it’s to the point where everywhere in the home is cluttered then it’s time to call in the declutterring experts to clear out the mess. Your mother needs to see a counselor who will help her to understand that hoarding is very unhealthy and hazardous to her health. The experts in declutterring will get her in counseling and they will clear out her home and make it safe for her to live. Also, your mother needs to understand that if her hoarding is out of control and the neighbors report her to the city/township they will come in and do an inspection and if they find that she’s living in hazardous conditions they will condemn her home.

This is a tough battle you will have to face with your mother, but just continue to be persistent with her and warn her that the township will condemn her home if she does not stop hoarding.

Good luck.

Don’t give her access to it. Bag up the junk, put it in the trunk of your car and take it somewhere else to dispose of it. Don’t tell her what you’re doing.

She sees these items as "important" and "necessary". When you throw things out, it upsets her understanding of the world. Of course, she gets upset, agitated... She probably needs limits on her "collections" that you both agree on and that are posted someplace as a reminder.

My mom went into memory care last October. I just now finished going through her master bedroom and bath. (It's April.) Wish me luck on the rest of the house.

Hello Roger,

Here is an excerpt from my book "Dementia Care Companion" on the subject of hoarding:

Hoarding is most commonly seen in Alzheimer’s disease, frontotemporal dementia, and Lewy body dementia. Around 23 percent of dementia patients develop hoarding behavior, typically in the early and middle stages of their illness.
Patients hoard all kinds of stuff. They collect, organize, fold and package them, put them away in nooks and crannies, and then spend many busy hours searching in various drawers, cabinets, and wardrobes to rediscover and unpack the items, only to repackage and store them again.
Hoarding typically occurs in tandem with obsessive-compulsive behavior, overeating, and pilfering. What all these behaviors have in common is an underlying sense of anxiety, impairment in impulse control, and memory loss. The patient is trying to get a grip on a life that is increasingly out of their control, with a mind that is no longer able to hold on.
Hoarding is also seen in some older individuals who do not have dementia. Hoarding in older individuals may be a precursor to dementia and a warning sign.
How to Handle Hoarding
Although hoarding can be challenging for the caregiver, it does not help to get angry or scold the patient. Patience, creativity, and humor are better ways of handling all kinds of behavioral problems, and hoarding is no exception.
·        Find out what drives the hoarding behavior and try to remove the cause. Is the patient worried that their stuff may get lost or stolen? When they spread, repackage, and store items, are they trying to reassure themselves that they can find the items again? Are they bored from inactivity and a lack of meaningful involvement with the daily household affairs?
·        What do they collect and where do they store them? Are the collected items perishable? Are they valuable? By knowing the types of items that the patient likes to collect and where they stash them, you can better decide your next steps.
·        Reduce the number of drawers and wardrobes that the patient uses. Label drawers to clearly show what’s inside. You can write “socks,” “underwear,” etc. on sticky notes, then attach the notes to drawers. Or, you can affix pictures to drawers, indicating their contents.
·        Make life easy for the patient. Use a large plastic basket for the collected items so the patient can easily find them in one place and pack them again when finished.
·        If a particular type of hoarding does not pose a hazard, let it be. But, if the hoarding creates risks, such as food that spoils or clutter that presents a fall hazard, find ways to remove the risk.
·        Avoid removing or discarding hoarded items as this may add to the patient’s anxiety. Find other ways to remove any risks. For example, if hoarded food has spoiled, replace it with fresh food.
·        The patient may agree to donate some of the items to charity. Take this opportunity to quickly remove those items from view. If the patient finds them again, they’ll likely hoard them again.
·        When going shopping, plan ahead to avoid situations where the patient can re-purchase items they have just discarded. If they come across the same items, they will likely buy them again.
·        Do not try to persuade the patient to give up hoarding. They cannot follow your reasoning. Even if you could convince them, they would forget it a few moments later.
·        Try to channel their energy to more productive activities like helping to set the dinner table, making salad, and folding laundry.

Throw them out and bring bags away from house to dump them. Hoarding is common in many elders.

I understand and agree with people who are saying it’s their stuff and their house and we don’t have the right to throw it out.

However, I asked my mom on several occasions if she expected me to spend my golden years going through her hoard. She really didn’t care. Just like she didn’t care if I gave up my life to care for her. That was my God given purpose.

Now we have spent literally hundreds of hours (with help) cleaning out the house, filled 2 30 yard dumpsters, and if you walked in today you would think nothing had been done.

I know many people will say just walk away. But I’ve already found cash, investments and life insurance I didn’t know she had. Not to mention priceless family photos, genealogies from before the age of computers, and letters going back to my great grandparents and beyond.

It’s hard to just let a junk man throw that all out. It would have been nice for mom to give a single thought of what she would be putting us through.

It is a tough situation. My dad was a hoarder. Trying to reason with him didn't work. He told me he had to have all of the "stuff" in case he couldn't go to the store.
Surprisingly, at one point he did agree with me hiring a clean up crew to haul away alot of the collection but he still shopped so I just consistently threw stuff away. I'd put it out just before the trash pick up.

OK. I am going to STIR this pot up!
I'll play Mother.

Don't throw my stuff away.
Don't even TOUCH my stuff.
Why do you think you have the right to?

In fact, why ARE you here?
Living in MY house?
Did I invite you? To visit or STAY?
Go home.

OK folks, whattya say?

Rogerwyatt7890: Toss the items elsewhere/out of the house/not in HER trash can.

You need to dump elsewhere.
She will be upset. She may be a diagnosable hoarder - which is an illness.
So, yes, 'of course,' she will go into the garbage. Expect this.

Have someone else take her out of the house for an outing / lunch / etc and you do what you need to do. Hire a company with a truck.

Gena

Curious Roger, what does your mom do when you stand up to her?

Like, if you said to her, I won't let you live this way, I will walk away and you will end up all alone, in a facility with no one to visit.

What would she do? Have you tried standing up to her in a none combative way, loving way. This is the way it is and this is going to be the way it's going to be because I love you.

It's time to REALLY learn about dementia now by reading articles and books on the subject.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20356056

https://www.verywellhealth.com/hoarding-and-dementia-97611

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/1480007579

https://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/B0B4KJ5VH2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1VLY6O3E1R4Q5&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.IsSqYCNNYljqb83g6G66r9VXDCmIRSThr2L0Y_zWoW24eQZR00kvSDSlRpHKQSzmAzWXLC5Hugj0NUyglr-kwWNiyQ4_xCZUEGy9BtsosPzZm0L93w416mjo9VffFUVcAGV-7TeziPNyKHljcd9tai__wGYsX3WP3ZWBigNqAC77UW7BL7VCYCsSpmaWY8U3HexDQusw_WKXM2DxmRhSo3JXCjdK7M5ysuYXMCnvEF8.3nPIAVKoFvuhkBH9TSnNhTjXJGThoch8phWfPYF9ilk&dib_tag=se&keywords=36+hour+day&qid=1713109178&s=books&sprefix=The+36+hour+%2Cstripbooks%2C199&sr=1-1

Stop discussing this with your mom, it’s only upsetting her and accomplishing nothing. If it’s important to you to throw stuff out, learn to be better at it. Do little amounts at a time when she’s not aware and take it far from the house. Look blankly at her if she asks about something she’s missing. There’s a balance to chucking trash and keeping peace

Disappear the hoarded stuff, like, completely taken away with you. I think folks feel huge loss as their lives decline, so it seems poignant that they want to 'feather their nest' such as it is. Consider it a type of 'recycling'...stuff in, stuff out. And maybe make a special place for their Favorite things, even if the items are of no value to you they are to the person who's saved them. It's kind of like parents of kids who have oodles of playthings: eventually it's 'one in, one out' (to charity, or whatever if still in good shape.) And definitely weed out way long expired meds and personal care items like makeup (risk of bacterial contamination), etc.

Disappear the hoarded stuff, like, completely taken away with you. I think folks feel huge loss as their lives decline, so it seems poignant that they want to 'feather their nest' such as it is. Consider it a type of 'recycling'...stuff in, stuff out. And maybe make a special place for their Favorite things, even if the items are of no value to you they are to the person who's saved them. It's kind of like parents of kids who have oodles of playthings: eventually it's 'one in, one out' (to charity, or whatever if still in good shape.)oops, sorry for double post: I added to weed out expired meds and cosmetic-type stuff; but I'll also add your idea of something 'stupid' is one thing, to the elder it may be 'special' so again, have a place for 'special-to-them' things, but weed out duplicates and don't leave anything in trash the elder can pick through later. Like the old saying even about garage/rummage sales: 'one man's junk is another man's treasure.' ;-}

My husband has what one of our daughters has termed magpie-ing. He puts junk in his pockets. I make sure he has old keys that open nothing, change, junk mail. I think it gives him the feeling that he’s still in charge of some areas of his life. Maybe leaving some of her things around while getting rid of anything hazardous would be an option.

Easy…take the trash out.

Put it in a bag, then either put it at the curb (or in bin if apartment). Or put bag in your car and throw it away at your house. I wouldn’t advise using those dumpsters at stores or restaurants because they don’t like people throwing away their own stuff as they pay for those dumpsters.

Remember, out of sight out of mind.

I agree with Alva.
Who's stuff is it?
Who's house is it?
Who's in 'charge'?

The posts are piling up on the daily ways Mother is not an easy to look after. I don't doubt it!

But what is the Big Picture? The Big Plan?

Wow your mother sounds like a copy of my mother. We had social/medical workers coming in to evaluate her needs, and she seemed to be a tiny bit responsive to me telling her that she needs to show them she's not a raging hoarder otherwise they'll send her back to rehab facility (the rehab was excellent but my mother hated it like she hates pretty much anything these days).

Bag up and keep in your trunk, to toss elsewhere.

You take the old drugs and expired things and put them in a bag and in your car. Then you go throw them away at a gas station or someplace with a large garbage can like a do it yourself car wash.

All depends on what rights you have and what rights she has lost.
So if you are POA and she has been adjudged incompetent you can clear the house.
Otherwise it is her house (I am guessing) and she has a right to "collect" and hoard unless the city/county government comes in and judges it "unsafe" and puts in fines and demands that it be cleaned.
This is quite a common problem in our country where our "stuff" seems to come to mean everything. It can become a kind of mental illness. Not a whole lot can be done to change those who do this.