We've moved to TN to help care for my aging parents. My mother's condition is chronic and she needs lots of care, when she receives the needed care she is still fairly sharp mentally - she's interactive and enjoys a good discussion. We've come close to losing my Mother about 7 times, but with the proper care she may still have some good years ahead. The bigger problem is Dad - he's still fiercely independent and refuses to go to a doctor because of the possibility of being diagnosed with dementia and he's concerned about losing his license. So we all play a charade. Although when he is forced out of his daily routine he becomes agitated and angry. He will not relinquish any control of financials or legal control. We've tried for nearly a decade in order to protect the property from the state - BUT alas - he will not budge. My dad is smart about not going anywhere away from home and the familiar surrounding. The one time he did we were at a hotel and he got so disorientated that a maid escorted him back to the room - so now he refuses to go more than 20 miles away. Dealing with him is beyond frustration because we are stuck in this charade. He has standard lines that he says in any given situation; ---- - What do I do? We're all just in a holding pattern and he's the one with his finger on the button. The rehab facilities will not release Mom to his care so we've come to TN to help care for her, but then it seems like he's the one being helped the most. IF we are not here we risk something serious happening to Mom because he cannot care for her. Also we've been told Social Services may get involved if he's the caretaker … bewildered … help I'm going nutty in Nashville --
Work with the rehab people in conjunction with local social services to ensure your mother gets all available support once she's discharged. If you are sure your father shouldn't be driving then report that to the licensing authorities in his area before someone gets killed. And then wait for time, and the progression of his dementia, to oblige your father to recognise that he does need help.
Sounds so simple… yes, I know it isn't. But you can't go on backing him up on Team Dad. You know he's wrong, and someone is going to get hurt.
You are their "assisted living" plan. It would be nice if Dad could acknowledge that. He can't. He has dementia (presumably). That means he is losing his ability to reason. His connection to reality is intermittent.
Caring for someone with dementia does indeed resemble playing charades sometimes. Except some of the players aren't even trying to guess the correct answers -- they are content with their own versions and don't care about what is "right."
If Dad were suddenly able to acknowledge that he can't take care of Mom without your help and that in fact he needs help, too, how would that change things for you? What would be different? It is not going to happen, but thinking about why you want it to happen might help you think of some ways to get what you'd like by other means.
It sounds like you moved to help care for Mom and discovered you have two parents that need care. Kind of a bonus two-for-one, deal, huh? Now that you understand the reality, are you still willing to play the caregiver role? It is fair to stop and reassess now that you have a clearer picture.
If you hadn't come, where would Mom be now? Would that be a good place for her? It doesn't sound like Dad could live alone. (Few people beyond the earliest stage of dementia can.) What would happen to him? Would it be so awful if Social Services got involved?
BTW, it scares me that this man is still driving. He could run into a pedestrian 10 miles from home as well as 50 miles away. The greatest danger in driving while under the influence of dementia is not in getting lost. It is slow responses, poor judgment, and a refusal or inability to recognize unpleasant reality.