Since I last posted, my mom got transferred to an assisted living near where I live. It came about because she got stranded at the hospital emergency room that the other assisted living sent her to. The HCPOA (my brother who arranged the ER visit) failed to notify anyone he was out of town. Nurse was not happy and I got called at 2AM to come get her. Therefore the transfer to my neck of the woods. As it turns out HCPOA (brother) has a secret "sell his house and move out of state" plan. I'm getting the sense he is going to split with the money and leave the work on me. So I told my mother she needs a lawyer because she has not named a financial power of attorney. I want a caregiver agreement too because even though she lives near in assisted living, there is something to do every day to address her needs. I not only spend my time, I spend my money and I don't always get paid back for items like diabetic test strips, food/snacks, incontinence pads. I demanded it - call a lawyer and get her legal and financial matters dealt with otherwise I can't continue to help her. Well, I haven't heard from her in a month so I guess she didn't get a lawyer. I guess in her mind she doesn't need one - she has my brother who makes all the decisions and controls all the money. Things have gotten really ugly with brother and his wife so as of now I'm doing nothing. She should be doing Medicaid planning - and pay me a nominal fee for assisting her.
You should decide what you are willing to do for her if he does take all her money and splits town.
He could leave her in a position that she can't self pay and she doesn't qualify for Medicaid because of the penalty period.
If you walked away, the facility would have to go to the state to take over her care, meaning a court appointed guardian and they can get things done that you will struggle with.
I hope that he doesn't leave her high and dry. I hope that you set and enforce boundaries with this situation.
If your mom will not pay you back for buying her items then you should require that she gives you money before and you can charge her mileage. The IRS.gov can tell you what you can legally charge for mileage, it's something like .57 per mile or something like that.
Keep mileage records in a day book, you can charge her what's called portal to portal, meaning your start point, like home, to her, to the errands and home again.
If she won't pay for her items then she needs to find another way to get them.
Keep your boundaries and don't let her or your brother bully you into stepping up if she refuses to meet your requirements for doing so.