What would you do if the director got in your face and told you that you need to find another place for your family member?
In January, I put in for my mother to be ready to go to lunch on February 15th. When the date rolled around, I went to get her and not only was she not out of bed, she hadn't been washed up nor dressed. Again, the nurses' station "LOST" putting her name in the book. Finally an aide showed up and honestly she looked like she should be working in a prison as muscular and tall as she was (female). She was jerking mom around getting her dressed but mom didn't want me to say anything. When I got her out to the front lobby, I always talk to the receptionist for a bit. I told her what had happened. The director came out of his office, got in my face and told me "maybe she should be put elsewhere." (paraphrased). I said I didn't know where else to take her and he said he would set up a meeting to discuss it. Told him it better be ready when I brought her back. I requested my son and his wife to be in the meeting with me before they went back to DC for support; They agreed. When we got back only the social worker showed up and wanted to know what had happened. I told her everything including the director's snarky comment. She asked me if I wanted to take her to another facility. I said no because I don't want her having to go through everything again and upsetting her. Then I asked about her palliative care, if anything had been done for her. The social worker insisted she never said mom was in PC. Of course, I insisted she did tell me, so we had another stand off. I affirm on the Holy Bible that the social worker said mom was now in PC. I had heard of it, but didn't research it until she said she was in it.Later that evening, I received a text message from the social worker asking if I wanted to file a grievance. I said yes because the director's speaking loudly to me and right in my face was not acceptable. She writes back that she didn't mean him but the aide. Since then, I have received a bill for medical services which were supposed to be paid from all the money they're getting from mom. Every time I go down there now I'm treated as a pariah. I had not been told whether a doctor has ever talked to mom or checked her over, etc. The last straw happened right after that when a friend of my mother's and myself stopped in to check on her and was told she wasn't allowed to even walk in the room much less talk to my mother. I gave permission for this friend to check on mom because she only lives a few blocks from the nursing home. Also mom is down to one pair of sweat pants. I took down at least six pairs of different colors for her and her name is very prominently written inside. Her shirts are starting to disappear too. Then I found out she had developed a bed sore and no one bothered to let me know. Mom says it doesn't hurt and is almost completely healed. They can treat me like a piece of garbage but when they do stuff to my mother I know they are trying to get her out of that facility. I did get a letter last week that mom is under a new policy and she is getting hearing aids, vision and dental help. It doesn't cost anything out of pocket under mom or myself, so I'm wondering if she's been put on Medicaid, which is fine with me as long as she is treated with respect and this particular care will stay in contact.I tried to call the ombudsman but the phone number is no longer working so I went online to try and find a working number and there isn't any ombudsman for where my mother is located. Whose head do I go over now?
Have a sit down with the Director and say exactly what you did here. That you don't appreciate the way you are talked to and what have you done to deserve it. To find out what the problem is, you both have to be honest.
You wanted Mom up and dressed for an appt, then you schedule it for after lunch. Mornings are hectic. Aides have more than Mom to get up, washed up and dressed. Then get them all down to breakfast. After breakfast its med passes and before you know it, lunch. I too got upset with the ALbwhen Mom had food all down her before one appt and the top had to be changed. Aide helped. Another time, I found the aide had put her down for a nap. I had to wake her up which was not good because now she was disoriented. Both times the AL was given a heads up. TG I gave myself an extra 1/2 hr for just this type of thing. Because Mom was sort of a tenant, I was going to ask if they felt these two incidents were their responsibility or mine. But Nurse was replaced and there was a last minute decision to place Mom into LTC.
Your Moms care will never be the care that you would give one on one. Some things you have to just let go. And you really need a good relationship with the staff, aides in particular. Never accuse or demand, question. "I was wondering why such and such was not done for Mom" Her losing clothes, talk to the head laundress. The NH my Mom was in ironed their own name tag in clothing. I took a picture of every piece of clothing I took into the NH. If it was missing, I showed the laundress the picture and the clothing was returned. Sometimes it was in the roommates closet. I even took a picture if her glasses. Aides are human too. Like any job, there are good ones and bad ones. Sometimes you just have to do it for Mom.
I believe you misunderstood the problem. I gave them a month's notice for the luncheon. The meeting was after we brought her back because the director was rude and unprofessional when I was taking her out. He was the one that said we should have a meeting. The social worker came down to her room after we put mom to bed. I actually have a good rapport with mom's aides. Stuff like this doesn't happen every time we go down to see her. Apparently no matter what I would like answers and help with, people on here go for the jugular whether it is necessary. You obviously decided I'm a nasty person that goes around causing trouble. Nothing could be farther from the truth. As an example, her new aide came down to change mom, I helped because I don't mind helping when they are busy. The first week I brought down all of mom's clothes she couldn't wear...donated them to the staff and their lost and found. Also brought many of her blankets to use for others. I take goodies and leave them on the nurse's station for the nurses and aides to enjoy. I don't need answers or what I should do next for these types of things. I ask for help when I'm faced with a situation I don't know how to proceed. Gee, it's like I'm asking for suggestions to avoid causing problems. As far as my mother's clothes, she has her name in all of personals including items I bring down for holidays.
My SIL spent a lot of the first few months- constantly having her DH call the facility or trying to get myself or DH to call (she doesn't like making phone calls herself)because FIL was constantly calling and complaining. We tried to get her to understand that 99% of what he was saying not only was an exaggeration but was holistically impossible.
But still she called or had her DH call (my DH and I refused to do it unless it was a true emergency).
I finally sat her down and told her that WE were becoming the problem family. That we couldn't control FIL's crazy sister and her constant calls- but we as the local family could stop being the problem. That by being constantly involved in every facet she was undermining their ability to do their jobs, because they were constantly having to stop to answer her questions.
We talked about the fact that he was there for a reason - and that reason was that we could no longer take care of him at home. That we had decided together that we needed help. And we were causing friction with that help. That the facility knew what FIL needed and were providing it, he just wasn't used to be not being #1 most important person in the world and he was acting out because of it.
That our role now was to work in partnership with his caregivers. To make it as easy as possible on them. Because he was already making it hard. His sister was already making it hard - and her inability to let go and let them do their jobs was making it harder.
Once she backed off - our interactions with the staff improved greatly. When we made sure they knew that we appreciated them and were there to be a support system for their providing care - it changed the whole game for us.
Others have said this - but you have to understand - the job they are doing is a THANKLESS job. Between residents who resent them and make it nearly impossible to do their jobs, when you add on family members who make it their life's mission to control every aspect of their loved one's care - it's just incredibly hard to do their jobs to anyone else's standards.
I want to revisit something you said...you told them ahead of time that she needed to be ready to go. But she wasn't up and ready. While it is possible that they forgot - it is also possible that she resisted. And they don't have time nor are they allowed to force residents to comply with getting out of the bed and getting ready for the day.
And honestly - your description of the aide is insulting and offensive. Would you prefer a tiny woman with zero upper body strength to attempt to heft dead weight on to toilets, into clothes and on to their feet? You realize that not every resident is frail and helpful correct? My FIL was over 300lbs, 6'4" and belligerent, non-compliant and mean. Just changing his incontinence underwear took two strong aides and that was just in the bed. They had to resort to a hoyer lift frequently to get him out of the bed. I would imagine the facility and others like it would love to have more people of that build to help!
As others have mentioned - why was your first complaint focus not what you were concerned about with your mother, but that they treated you some kind of way?/
Telling them weeks early and expecting it to get transferred week after week is ridiculous, I think you are asking to much and taking no responsibility for your actions.
I would probably move my parent if I pushed the Director to get in my face.
I find your comment about the aid offensive, seriously, you would rather a tiny person gets hurt doing this very physical job than have a big strong person handling your loved one. You could have said something nicely if you thought your mom was being roughly handled, nobody would have been able to stop me from calling this out. You lost my support by wanting to file a grievance because you were talked to in a rough manner but not because your mom was handled roughly, this IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
Get the bedsore healed before anything else.
"If you involve Ombudsmen and DONs, you're asking for more trouble. Can you write an email asking for a care conference instead? You're new at this and of course you have moms best interest at heart. But there are things you will have to let go of and other things you will have to fight harder for. Everything can't be a battle, in other words, or you'll be singled out as The Troublemaker. When you're very upset, stop and take a long deep breath and do nothing until you've calmed down."
You didn't like my advice, or take it then, and you won't like it now. You've burned your bridges in this nursing home. I'd get mom out of there and into a new one, but this time, I'd keep my temper in check and my expectations realistic. Either that or bring mom home and care for there yourself. These are human beings who are caring for your mother at the nursing home, not prisoners regardless of their body stature. They don't like to be treated with anger and accusations by the family members of residents they are toileting and cleaning up dirty diapers for daily. They do their best for little more than minimum wage and then get treated like dirt by people who swear on holy bibles what was said to them in passing.
I'm sorry you're so angry. Be sure to take a very deep breath before you start looking for "suitable" nursing homes for mom. My condolences to her for all this chaos.
This is where such struggles ALWAYS END. They end with your being told bluntly, as this admin told you, or nicely as in "I am afraid your mother would be happier elsewhere and I suggest you begin to explore other facilities".
Do you not understand that this is a no win for you?
Do you not understand that your mother is the loser in this struggle?
If you wish to pursue this (and if the facility isn't aware of the bedsore, that is the ONE THING that Medicaid cares about a lot) I would now contact Medicaid after filing your grievances. Be certain that the first and most crucial thing IS THE BEDSORE, because that will get attention of those licensing this facility.
Your fighting with this facility allows them TO NEGATE WHATEVER YOU SAY and to write you off as a crazy lady. You are doing yourself a real disservice here, and worse--you are doing your mother a real disservice.
Uarew, I have been very frank with you; I expect you will hate me for that.
Join the long time then, of those who ALREADY DO hate me.
I am trying to help you and your mom whether you understand that, or not.
If this is a decent place, over all, U., I must tell you things are about to get a good deal worse. I just mentioned on another thread I have recently read in two business mags that the hedgefunds and corporations that once were WAY into nursing homes, ALFs and MCs, are NOT anymore. They aren't money makers. And they expect that in the next four years they are not going to be good investments as they are quite certain of cuts to Medicaid and elder care.
I would keep my cards close in to my chest, change attitude while still doing what I believe best and right for mom's care, and believe it or not, this old nurse is ON YOUR SIDE.