xrayjodib Asked April 2020
When do we stop hoping for "Thank You?"
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Where can I send it?? Lol
I love doing the baskets! It's like a blank canvas waiting for an artist!!
Thanks !
But I did notice there was no "Thank you" anymore. Wondered why, but only briefly. Too busy "taking care of" what I considered to be the patient, an aging relative. (creates a professional distance to think of them as a patient).
So I did not have an answer for your most interesting question, Jodib.
Looked this up for you: (Borrowed from the psychology websites:)
[Appreciate Ourselves]
"It's important to remember that valuing and appreciating ourselves is vital when it’s not forthcoming from others. Expecting or seeking compliments can keep us spinning our wheels and set us up for resentment. But it’s something to cherish when it comes our way, however small it might seem. As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us, “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”
Remember too that if you’re feeling deprived of compliments, you may want to experiment with being more generous in conveying appreciation. In an extraordinary letter written in 1855 from Ralph Waldo Emerson to a young Walt Whitman, Emerson wrote:
“One concentrated effort I’ve made in the past year has been the regular practice of sending notes of appreciation to strangers — writers, artists, varied creators — whose work has moved me in some way, beamed some light into my day. It’s so wonderfully vitalizing for us ordinary mortals to send and receive such little reminders of one another’s humanity — especially in a culture where it’s easier to be a critic than a celebrator. “
It can feel good to float appreciation toward others. And it just might lead to more compliments drifting your way."
So, I was thinking. Specifically about the incident of talking to your Mom through the window. And a staff member handing her your gift. A lot going on at once. If ever there was a time to thank you, even just a wave and a smile, this would have been it. But if your Mom was 100%, she couldn't for some reason.
Changing our expectations of aging parents may help you.
I have noticed, as there is cognitive decline, the person can often turn to mimicking, copying, or repeating as a way to cope and keep communicating. So if your Mom heard others around her saying "thank you", she might take it up.
But then, the pitiful thought is that: It won't count as a real thank you, because she no longer understands the meaning. She might just as well have thanked the staff member for giving it to her.
When all is said and done, it was you, sweet jodib, standing outside Mom's window to show your love, and bring her a thoughtful gift. That speaks volumes, not only about who you are, but who your Mom may have been in the past, as a mother.
So thank you, speaking for all the mothers out there who no longer say thank you.
That was beautiful! Thank you!
If Mom had any type of mental decline it might be easier to understand.
She's still the same woman that told me she was jealous of me when I was 16. I know she loves me the best she can. It's odd, but she's not proud of my accomplishments, she's proud of herself for my accomplishments.
WOW!!! Sorry!!
Guess my counselor has opened Pandora's box.🤯
After a lot of research, I know that children of narcissistic parents usually become narcissists or over pleasers.
Having been my Moms emotional support dog(sorry for the reference) since I was 12, it's a hard habit to break. I am a work in progress!!
Mom will most likely get worse and I know that.
On a brighter note, I don't know if bigfoot exists, but I love the notion that he could exist!! He's right there with Unicorns and "Thank You"!! Lol
Have a blessed day!!
It sounds as if you have had a lifetime of this, when you are brought up in this kind of emotionally abusive situation, even at 50 our parents can make us feel the same as we were when we were living under their roof, miserable and then we try harder to get the thanks or praise just to be knocked back again.
I would suggest that you accept you will never be thanked, or praised, that your mum won’t ever change.
It will hurt, but when you start accepting things it will also be freeing. Stop going out of your way to make someone who does not appreciate anything you do, happy. You are not a bad person, sometimes we get crappy parents.
We want healing. We want to forgive because we want the freakin fairytale ending. Then, eventually reality sets in and we accept that change doesn’t usually happen.
In time, the pain lessons. We move on. The bad days still exist but are fewer and further away from each other. I suppose that is the healing process taking place.
In the past my father would say "Thank You'. I don't think he meant it, he just knew he was supposed to say it. He did not appreciate any efforts I made to make sure he had what he needed.(I also did up a big Easter basket for him and never got a ty) He would ask me to pick him up something and say "Do I owe you anything?"....not "How much do I owe you?". That little word play used to frost me so much. He had a lot of money in the bank and I lived paycheck to paycheck and now he was expecting me to pay for his odds and ends.
My daughter would visit him at assisted living and the next time I was there he would complain that she hadn't been back. I assume he expected her to visit on a weekly basis. My son would visit and barely get acknowledged....because he favored my daughter. People aren't stupid, they see it. The difference is that now the younger generation realize they don't have to put up with poor behavior. My father grew up in a time where you put up with whatever crap you elder generation threw at you.
It's it sad??
My kids don't want to have anything to do with my Mom.
Thank you!
There have been other discussions that talk about generational differences, from the 50s particularly, with men who ruled their world or women who were treated like royalty (usually not in the same marriage). Those people are the generation who expect things to be the same as they age, and give their relatives lots of problems. Perhaps we should just all be jealous of Benny, who has clearly had a miraculously sheltered life.
Don't expect your Mom to change. It's not going to happen and it will eat you alive if you let it. Scale back on what you do for her, way back if you have to and try to laugh about it when you can.
My husband and I get a lot of mileage out of the pie incident. It's now a running joke between us. A random "what no cherry pie?!" gets us laughing every time.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
My mother has done the same thing to me in the past and now my SO and I laugh about it. However, my mother still will say things like "I sure would love a carrot cake" and I say "mom, I don't like carrot cake; therefore I don't know how to make one and don't want to learn either." Then my mother will try something else. I just keep making excuses!
But I did giggle about the pie! Sorry!
Because I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and one day I will have to answer for my actions, I will stay the course.
I have seen a counselor twice. Have an appointment this week.
It's really eye opening when you have spent years wondering why you didn't have the same experience as Benny.
Apparently it's just as hard for some of us to understand what it must be like to have a wonderful relationship with Mom as it is for some to understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother.
Honestly, moms that treated their children the way you described are far and few between on this forum.
However, things get a little twisted when dealing with a narcissistic mother. I 'm not saying that we shouldn't honor our Mothers, but in return most Mothers respect the fact that their children grow up and have lives of their own. As a Mother I love my children more than anything. I also give them their space. If I was to ask for help I know they would help. I don't demand it. I am grateful for every card and phone call. I tell my kids how proud I am of them.
I guess what I'm saying is I think we should all be grateful for acts of kindness regardless of who they're from. Never take it granted.
Happy Easter!!
My Mom can't understand why none of her grandchildren want to have anything to do with her.
It's always someone else's problem!
Love your name!! Sounds like maybe you totally get it! Lol
I know I shouldn't let it bother me or expect anything different.
It just sucks!!
So how did I stop expecting her to thank me or wanting her to appreciate me? I tell myself that my mother can not give me what she doesn't have. My mother doesn't really love herself so how can she love me! My mother has many personalities disorders and as long as she believes she isn't doing anything wrong then there is nothing I can say or do to get her to believe different. She doesn't have the ability to see what she is doing (no insight)! Does that make sense? Can't change what she doesn't acknowledge! She was this way before dementia!!
I still do things for her because it is the right thing to do, but I don't expect anything from her.
CantDance is right! Do things for the Lord not for people! Just do what you feel is right and what you can live with. But I must warn you, if you decide to do these wonderful gifts and she doesn't thank you you may continue to feel hurt and you will have to remind yourself that it isn't you, but her. That she can't give you what she doesn't have. It takes practice and time!!!
Your Easter basket sounds wonderful! Your a good daughter; probably better then what she deserves. I hope you know that!
Sending you lots of hugs!!! 🐇🐥
I have been going to counseling!
Praying every day for God to help me let go!
My opinion, if it brings you some joy, then do it and do not expect anything in return. You may never understand her. Believe me I tried with my MIL. I would think I finally understood her and then she would turn the tables on me. She couldn't wait for me to have a baby and then did nothing for her. Chose to move to Fla when M was 4 (we live in NJ). Only grandchild near her. I was mad but then it turned out to be a blessing. Now that I have read posts on here, I think she had a personality disorder as does a SIL. Another one who lives almost 2 days away.
So do what makes you feel good.
I posted this on Good Friday.
I apologize if you were expecting a warm and fuzzy.
Happy Easter!!🐰🐥
P.s. I'm being sincere not sarcastic.
I love the answers here.
You may want to give up now any hope of gratitude. It seems to gradually vanish as some (though not all) folks age, with or without dementia.
I noticed long before her dementia diagnosis my mom becoming more insular, remote, and self-absorbed. She wasn't interested in the needs, wants, hopes and dreams of those around her; only what impacted her. She has always been self absorbed and lacking in empathy, but sadly she became even more so.
Efforts to bring sunshine to her life (visits, gifts, outings, events) are met with a sense of entitlement, like she deserves it, never considering the time, effort, expense or sacrifice of the giver. There are no thanks. Just guilt trips for not having done it sooner, or outright scorn or rejection of the expenditure of time, love, effort. You get it.
Eighteen solid months of therapy taught me this: Don't do anything for others accompanied by resentment. Do what you want to do willingly, without expectation of thanks or appreciation. Here's what feels right to me; a faith-based approach you can practice or not:
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ (Colossians 3:23-24).
In caring for my mom, I do what I can do, knowing she will neither appreciate or express thanks. But God knows and understands. And that is what keeps me going.
I know how it feels. ((((Hugs))))
I don't understand people like your mom. If you gave me that beautiful basket, I would probably burst into tears of gratitude. You are a nice person.
My father has always expected gifts for his birthday, Christmas and Father's Day.
The last time I remember him buying me a gift is when I was 14, (I'm in my 50's now). For many years he has ignored my birthday, and ruined Christmas for the family by always being drunk.
Last year I felt I'd had enough. Usually there was a run up to these events, with him starting a month earlier, telling me what he wanted for the particular occasion. Last year I told him I was done buying him gifts. He was upset and demanded to know why, so I told him. He never said thank you and would trash the gift a few days later. I was sick of the game.
So he didn't get any gifts, for Christmas, his birthday or Father's Day. He was hurt for a day and wouldn't speak to me. I didn't care.
What I realised was this was his way of upsetting me (I firmly believe my father is a narcissist, he constantly plays power games) and when I stopped turning up to be hurt, there was no game to play.
I didn't feel guilty, I felt relief. That was over. Giving to someone who couldn't say thank you.
You did a very kind thing for your Mother, but be just as kind to yourself. Don't put yourself out there for someone to hurt you. It's an awful game and someone has to stop playing.
Enjoy yourself this Easter.
Be kind to yourself.
My is in fact a narcissist.
Great observation! Thanks
Is your avatar bigfoot with ppe? lolzzzz so funny! If not, well, that's what I get for putting off an eye exam. I need reading glasses dang it.
I don't know your history with your mom, but what you did for her today was lovely, thoughtful and generous. What are huckleberry gummies? They sound delicious. Can you find some satisfaction is knowing that you did a kind thing, even though it wasn't acknowledged?
I had a decent day. Like you, I went shopping (mask, no gloves, a Clorox wipe in my hands at all times) for Easter stuff for mom. No basket, but clean laundry, chap stick, and lots of chocolate. She's in a NH, so no flowers or booze (because allergies and opioids). I stood outside her window and we chatted by phone - she only has partial hearing in her right ear, so it sounds like we are both screaming into megaphones. My throat is raw. :)
Yes. it's Big foot! I try to dress him up for every holiday!
In Montana, huckleberries grow wild, so they make huckleberry everything! And yes the gummies bears are yummy!
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."
To me you have to decide that you are doing what you do for yourself. That you enjoy giving a nice gift. How she chooses to behave is on her. She may have lost the ability to be grateful. It’s a terrible loss for her.
I’ve told this story before about my old mom. She would be fussing from the moment I arrived. So I told her I wanted to hear one nice thing before she started complaining. So the next week when I came in with all her food and supplies she said “It’s good to see you .,..I guess”. It was so unexpected. All of it. I burst out laughing and gave her a hug. That was the best she could do so I took it. But I had to ask for it. She must have thought about what I had said all week. I could tell it was a real effort. The “I guess” was my favorite part. It was so honest and vulnerable. Sometimes I think very old age is easier for the ones with dementia. I wish I had the chance to hug her again.
xrayjodib, I would say you buy her gifts because you love her and let it go at that. She can’t give you what she doesn’t have.
Relationships can be complex. Some work out and some don’t for various reasons. I love that you acknowledge what worked even if everything isn’t what we sometimes hope for.
Thanks for sharing that. It made me smile.