Hello, I'm kersey, 62, female, moved from California to Florida 10 years ago to care for parents, after dad was diagnosed with dementia... He passed away 2 1/2 years ago. The last 5 years has been full time 24/7... I've had two days off in 5 years... I'm tired!
Mom did ok to begin with but basically quit on life, since June last year? She spends most of her time in bed, eating and making huge messes, she's only 86.
After dad died, (the last two years of his life I averaged 2-4 hours of sleep per night) mom was having a rough time sleeping at night, so I started sleeping when she did, afternoons and I get up between midnight and 1am with her... But since June? Last year, she has no schedule, she's in bed, snoring, I go lay down, she's up, she won't leave the doors closed or locked, she invites everyone in, one memorable occasion a delivery man who kept telling her he couldn't come in, while she kept insisting he come in because she couldn't come out, in her depends and nothing else!
She opens windows, which is killing my electric bill, she switched the ac to heat in Aug in Florida, she put foil in the microwave and caught the food on fire, just a couple of that's happened this past month, there is so many more. I can't watch her constantly, and I can't keep going without sleep.
So, sorry for rambling (no sleep last night).... The question is when do you sleep?
Thanks for letting me join this group and for any response❤️
There is no money for a care facility.
I tried several services for dad when he was still alive but had trouble getting anyone to show up. Did a ton of paperwork, caseworker showed up regularly to check on us but no luck getting someone to come in 4 hours for 3 days a week.
I did call my brother, who is struggling in his own life (and lives in another state)and asked for help. We are working on getting him down here in the next few weeks, so hopefully we can come up with a working solution.
You cannot take care of your mom if you are falling apart. You need help. Try and find home help. Go to aplaceformom.com and they will help you find someone to come to your house, If you cannot afford it, apply for Medicaid for your mom and get her placed where she can be safe. You can visit as often as you like. Remember applying for Medicaid and getting her placed could take a while, so start now.
Oh about me I'm 62 and I'm tired "
Why did you quit work at age 52? Did you jeopardize your retirement? Are you getting compensated for caregiving?
Being deprived of sleep is a form of torture. Time for a facility for your mother.
Are you an only child? I'm curious as to how you ended up in this situation. Are you POA/HCPOA for your mother?
I quit work at 57 because mom couldn't deal with dad, I could.
No compensation, no retirement
No money for a facility,
Yes we did all the paperwork after I first got down here.... I've got POA, durable, nondurable and one for medical care plus DNR
I've got two brothers, both in other states, struggling on their own but I did place a call to my older brother and told him I needed help.
Hopefully when he gets here we can come up with a plan.
Mom needs placement in a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid funds now, if she has no finances herself. You need sleep and mom needs more help than you're capable of giving her. Where's her doctor in all this? Has she been given a full medical work up and diagnosed with anything (like dementia?) That's a first step since a diagnosis is necessary for placement.
For anyone to even suggest your mother is 'bored' is not only rude and flippant but indicates a total lack of caregiving experience and begs the question, WHY are you here giving out advice??? Those of us with loved ones who have or had dementia can recognize the symptoms, and tell you this isn't 'boredom' at play, not by any stretch of the imagination. This is illness that requires attention in a safe environment where there can be no cooking going on, no electrical appliances to fiddle around with, nothing to hurt herself with, no chemicals to accidentally ingest, no unlocked doors to roam out of and get lost, etc. The possibilities for your mom to hurt herself are literally endless living as she is at home, with a full kitchen and the lack of knowledge on how to use what's in it. I shudder to think what could happen by accident. We've had a poster here who's mother burned down the house due to dementia! Undiagnosed and misunderstood brain disorders can and DO wreak unimaginable havoc on families sometimes. Please understand how dangerous it is for mom to be unsupervised at any time during the day or night.
You said, "There is no money for a care facility." There is Medicaid for long term care. If mom has a home, it can be sold to finance her stay until that money is spent down and then Medicaid kicks in. When your brother arrives, you can see an Elder Care attorney for guidance in that realm. Medicaid also provides some level of in home help; although you've looked into that with your father and things didn't pan out, look into it AGAIN. And into long term care with Medicaid as well. Something has to be done, right?
I wish you the very best of luck formulating a plan to get mom placed into care asap. You can't do this alone, my friend, it's literally impossible.
In my case, my Mom then fell and became a fall risk. Then she would try and get up and forget that she couldn't walk or she would sleepwalk and not be able to keep her balance. So we hired an agency to provide nighttime caregiving and to stay up with her, 9 hours a night. At that time, when the caregiver came, I would drive home, then wake up in the morning and drive back to her condo to relieve the caregiver. I couldn't sustain the schedule. Once it was allowed, we enrolled her into senior day care and that helped a lot. It wasn't that she did anything, it was the fact that I was always listening to figure out what she was doing. Then she was lonely and wanted to talk, however, her version of talking was discussing how she was wronged and how others were stupid (now, remember, she is the one with dementia!)
I was definitely depressed. I couldn't deal with my Mom, I found fault with everything and got mad at people when they couldn't fix my issues immediately.
My siblings came to my rescue and made me aware of how bad off I was. I got help from a therapist. One of the things I did was research and tour care homes. (If you have a plan for the future, your stress levels are significantly decreased.)
Another one of the changes was that when the caregiver came, I slept in my Mom's condo, then woke up about 15 minutes before the caregiver left. Then after I took my Mom to senior day care, I would go back to my place, take a shower and get whatever needed done. I easily gained another 3 hours of sleep by sleeping at my Mom's place. In addition, my Mom could not complain too much about the caregivers as I could hear and was present for whatever went on.
So you ask, when do I sleep? I sleep when there is a caregiver that I trust to take care of my Mom.
Did your siblings think it was time for a care home for your mother? Do they ever come and relieve you from your caregiving duties? Or help in any other way? How did the brunt of it all come to be placed on you?
You need help. Call Medicaid and see if you can get "in home" help.
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