Has anyone gone no-contact or very limited contact with their parent and/or family member? How was this experience, what brought you to the last straw?
I currently have a difficult decision to make as my parent is truly driving me insane, this forum offers great advice from folks who have gone through similar situations with family members and so decided to post to get different perspectives.
I’ll explain, I’m currently 25 years old and my parent is 56 (father). When younger he demonstrated emotional neglect towards me and my mother. He has always been very cold towards me during my upbringing and although he did provide a roof over my head, my childhood was very much tainted with his personality quirks. Things like making my mother his basic slave, by doing everything and more for him like making sure everything was paid on time, not caring whether she wanted or needed any help, not talking to us and giving us the cold shoulder when he wanted something and we didn’t budge. Sometimes screaming at the top of his lungs when dinner wasn’t made by the time he was home (mother and I got home more or less same time as him). Just so many “little” inconsiderate things I could go on and on apart from the fact that he was miserable and almost assured to make us miserable too.
After 20+ years my mother finally divorced him. This was considerably very hard on him as he was never used to doing anything on his own. I also suspect he might have some sort of personality disorder from what I read, however he was never diagnosed. Also, his father was diagnosed with schizophrenia (in fact most of that part of my family probably suffer from different mental health issues). After the divorce it was very hard his health declined (diabetes, blood pressure, no insurance), he lost his job, and he didn’t have much friends or family willing to help due to his own personality inconsistencies. Gladly his nephew was able to take him in in another state where they offered insurance. I decided not to take him in as my husband did not want him living with us and frankly neither do I, even though I still care very much. However, from far away I still helped him get by, calling for appointments, applying for jobs for him, insurance calls, helping him financially sometimes. Going back and forth with issues regarding his health, bills, and family drama. I'd like to add he doesn't speak English, which was the main reason i tried to help (obv enabling now that I look back).I wouldn't mind if he somehow got his things together and didn't have so many problems. However, this has now lasted 3 years going to 4. I now realize this was enabling him and just can’t handle the stress of basically “helping” someone live their life in a productive way.
I’m at a point now where whatever I do for him ends up being turned on me ten-fold. Everyday has become a nightmare and I feel depressed. Currently making appointments with my doc and a therapist too. Whether it’s financial help he needs (I’m barely making it by), or I call and everything is going horrible (he can’t find a job, he is going to loose his new insurance, he can’t pay the car, his nephew doesn’t want him living with him). Just so many things… At this point my estranged sister offered him to stay at her place and move back to my state. This would mean he would have no insurance (and he needs it), and now he would be living only a few blocks from me. My sister is also for lack of better words a wreck in her own way. I specifically let him know I cannot be the one to live with him and explained that my husband does not approve.
At this point I realize this stress has affected me emotionally and I need help. However my question for you guys is: have you ever cut someone toxic from your life like a parent or perhaps went limited contact? How did it feel? What was the process like? I feel like my guilt of knowing he is not okay affects me so hard, and it’s so hard to let go.
The answer is: You can't. Like Realyreal said, you can't care more about your father than HE does. That's HIS job. This is HIS life, you have yours. But, we've been conditioned over the years to feel an overwhelming responsibility for our parents, regardless of what they've done (or not done) to earn it. I fight the same demons you do on a daily basis, which is what 'qualifies' me to comment on your post. Sigh.
Sadly, however, I don't have "The Answer" for you any more than I have that answer for myself. What I CAN tell you is what I do with my very toxic mother who lives in Memory Care. I call her once a day (I am an only child and 'all she has') and I visit her once a week, or once every 12 days depending on the severity of her 'mood' at any given time. If she gets too nasty with me, I will either leave her presence or tell her I'm hanging up the phone. Those are the boundaries I have set down with my mother, having to be close by her, and being, literally, the only one to take care of her needs, both financial, medical and personal.
Figure out YOUR boundaries and then set them down in CEMENT. It doesn't matter what they are, just that they work for YOU and that you stick TO them. That lets your father know you Mean Business and you are not a Pushover.
Bottom line is, we can medically diagnose our parents with Dr. Google until the cows come home. Even if we're able to put a name to the personality disorder or whatever it is they suffer from, we can't change it. We can only change OUR reaction to it. Which means setting boundaries and not allowing them to be crossed.
Easier said than done, I know. I am working on taking my own advice a bit more these days, cuz it's easier to tell YOU what to do than it is for ME to do it MYSELF.
One day at a time, right? Good luck & Godspeed to you, my friend. And here's a big HUG for you as well.
I didn't talk to her for 2 years. It was the best move I ever made. She learned that she couldn't hustle me and suck my life force.
Your dad has been immersed in the English language, he should be able to communicate enough to live here. He isn't even trying in my opinion and you can not care more about him than he does. He will suck you dry and not care, your nephew being done with his crap is proof of how it goes. Users use people and only you can say no. You should also back your husband up and tell your dad that you and your husband will not have him living with you. A united front stops a lot of manipulation from happening.
Let him live with the consequences of his choices, that is a good way for him to learn that he is responsible for his actions.
You cannot change someone else's behaviour. The only thing you can change is how you react. Stop calling him, stop doing for him. He'll figure it out. Basic human instincts will kick in ansd he will survive.
Go stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are too valuable to be treated like a doormat. Then hug yourself. You deserve it.
Maybe this will help some?
I have had enough- that's why I am on this forum so much at the moment!
I saw it as two circles. My life circle & theirs. In the overlap, we spend time together, a call, visit etc. My circle was in danger of being absorbed into the other - with my purpose to provide support for her life to function the way she wanted. My life was disappearing. My free time, my hobbies, my relationships suffering, my mental health (my liver too!)
I was not prepared to lose my life so sought solutions. Lower contact. Reading Boundaries (by Cloud & Townsend). Locating support services, suggesting or making contact then stepping back have all helped me.
A social worker told me "Warn of dangers, offer suggestions, let them choose, step back".
Next you need to start setting boundaries, it will not be easy as you have a lifetime of conditioning to overcome. Stop one thing at a time. If he winds up moving in with your sister, do nothing to facilitate the move.
it took me 28 years with my Dad and 49 years with my Mum to realize how toxic they were. Now contact with both of them is 100% on my terms. I do not jump for either of them. Neither is allowed to cross the threshold of my home.
It is for you to decide. But if you want a quality good life you will have to move away from abusive people. Gently and without anger. Perhaps even slowly, letting them know gradually that abusive behavior results in your withdrawal, kindly, but steadily. You already know all of this somewhere inside. You have to make a choice and you have been raised to feel wanting, needy and uncertain, desperate to change things. It will take time to change your reactions to this training and this person. I trust and believe you can do it.
We have two chances for family. The one we are born to and the one we create of friends and partners. I wish you so much luck. I am so sorry you are going through, and have gone through all of this.
You may want to make sure that sister understands that if shecallows Dad to live with her, you will not be helping. You have done your part and he doesn't appreciate the help and asks for more.
Dad is only 56. This is not old. Harder to find work maybe but not impossible. If he has lived here over 5 yrs (I think it is), he maybe able to get Medicaid for health insurance. He needs to go to Social Services and see if he can get help. You are allowed to step back and say I am done.
Stepping away was VERY good for me. They continued on, but had I stayed close it would not have made any difference to them. Since it was "doctors' orders" and okayed morally by my pastor, I found the strength and peace to follow through. I wish it would have been otherwise, but I finally realized that I could control myself, but not other people.
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