My in-laws are in their late 80's. There are 4 children, 3 of the four and their spouses live within 15 minutes of them. My husband and I live 3 1/2 hours away. Within this past year we have hired private caregivers for Monday-Fridays for around the clock care. The siblings each take a weekend a month, so the kids are their 24/7 care on the weekends. Dad is in the middle stages of dementia and mom has Parkinson's and cannot walk great. They both use walkers and are unable to care for themselves. Looking at the finances it is apparent that we will deplete their money in a year. At what point does the very serious discussion of a care facility need to be addressed? They are loved dearly and ours is a very close family. Up until last year we regularly took week long family reunion trips and got together monthly just to enjoy fellowship. However, we are in our late 60's and knocking on the door of our 70's so it will/is taking a physical toll. We get them up in the mornings go to the bathroom then they move to their recliners in the living room. They get up go the bathroom and return to their chairs. They eat meals and nap in their chairs. Bedtime comes they return to their bed. Getting them out is a battle as they do not/will not leave unless there is a doctor appointment or the rare beauty shop visit or nail salon for mom. We are all doing our best to keep them in their home so that they can move back and forth between their bed and recliner. At what point does this become futile? 1 sibling has stopped helping care for them on the weekends as it has caused marital problems. Dad is healthy physically, but his mind is going. Mom is sharp mentally but physically she is not good. Any input would be appreciated.
My father still had quite a bit of money when I realized it wouldn't last forever. I moved him into a studio from a one bedroom at his AL. That saved $500 a month. Then I looked into Aid and Attendance which took a year to set up but bought us more time financially. Start looking at places while you can do it with a clear head. Much easier than having to do this after an emergency.
Once their money is gone, you as a family are going to have to decide collectively whether you will either provide or pay for care or let the inheritance (house) be sold so they can go to Al.
I believe adult children should do what they can to help their parents - according to their ability (emotional, physical, financial, etc) and availability. Once our parents digress to the point that we can no longer take care of them, then we need to seek professional help. I supported my husband when his mom was at the end of her life and was willing to move her into our home but a hospice nurse told us to let her stay in her own home as long as possible because once we moved her away from what was familiar to her, she would fade fast. Hubby is now reciprocating for me with my mom. Neither of us have any regrets nor are we resentful, and will sacrifice our comfort if needed. It's who we are but I can't say the same for his or my siblings nor do we resent it (or them) regardless of their reasons. Everyone has to do what they are comfortable with.
There are going to be strong opinions from others on what they think you should do based on their own beliefs or experiences. But you have to do what you can live with. Pray about it and ask yourself, what do I want to do, what can I do, am I making things easier and better and safer for them, is my spouse on board for the long haul? And since dad is not cognizant, ask mom what she wants, keeping in mind that what she wants might not be safest or best for her. It's just respectful to include her if you can.
My mom, who is 87, has a caregiver during the day and, like your mom, she refuses to leave the house unless it's for a doctor appointment or salon appointment. One of my brothers lives with her and is supposed to be there in the evenings after the caregiver leaves. Another brother and I take care of finances, medical, shopping, laundry, etc. However, the brother living with her has become unreliable, so we have to figure something out before she gets home from the hospital (due to an infection requiring IV antibiotics) because she has become a fall hazard and cannot be alone anymore. Assisted Living won't work for my mom and we refuse to put her in a skilled nursing facility, so we're looking into a Board and Care facility. Thankfully she has Long Term Care insurance that covers most of the cost for her daytime caregiver, plus the proceeds from the sale of her house 4 years ago helps with the out of pocket amount. In our part of our State, Board and Care will be around $7,000/month with approximately half of that covered by the LTC insurance but the rest will be out of pocket.
As I've suggested to you, we are all praying about what to do that will be in my mom's best interest.
Propping up the elderly under the pretense of being "independent" just so they can stay in their own home is causing the whole family to live with this lie, and is doing more damage than good for all involved.
It's great that you all love each other and are close, but it's now time for a "come to Jesus" meeting to let your in-laws know that you all cannot continue on with their care, as they now require more care than you can provide, and need to be placed in the appropriate facility.
Just think about it...won't it be great to get back to just being your in-laws loving family members and advocates and not their burned out, physically challenged, and marriage ruining caregivers?
Best wishes in finding the right facility for your in-laws.
Having done this home care and management for my parents, I know whereof I speak. I'd never do it again. Aging in place is a bunch of malarkey because it only works for so long, contrary to the zillions of articles that encourage it. I don't even read those anymore.
A continuum of care facility would provide care for your parents 24/7, three meals a day with snacks, companionship, visiting pets, entertainment, additional people who care about them, laundry done, hair salon on premises, medicine supervision, 24/7 nurse and a clinic right there, etc. etc. Dad can be in memory care and if mom is in assisted living, they can visit and eat together. Or depending on their assessments and the availability, they can share a room. I've seen a married couple sharing a room and their dog lived there with them! There will be kind aides to move them from bed to recliner if that's what they want to do, but a social life with others in the facility would certainly benefit and stimulate them.
Get busy scoping out some nice places. Pricey? So then you sell their house, car and/ or other assets. I hope you find a great place for them.
That is my personal opinion, but only you can make these decisions for yourself.
When they have outspent their money they will apply for Medicaid.
This isn't fair to you.
I am 82. I am not so selfish that I would ever allow my children to take this on. My daughter lives three states away from me, and in all honesty that is a LUCKY LUCKY thing for her. It makes it clear that enabling this lack of making a clear and sane decision isn't an option.
Be honest with me. You wouldn't have written us if you didn't already know that you are doing this because you don't want to face down the mourning of this one last loss for them. But it is COMING. And whether it comes from a nighttime fall or for some other reason it is coming. Wouldn't it be better now for family to meet, to discuss (and especially discuss you will not personally be making this trip now to do caregiving from so far away). And to then tell your parents, and to place them together? The fall will happen in either place. But if they are safely in care there will BE care and not some mad scramble to try to address it all.
You have a right to your life. My daughter was 63 yesterday. Just holding her OWN body and life together in a tough job, in order to retire and have time with hubby who is already retired. To sit in the sun, to hike, to travel, to go to the concerts they love.
Sorry, this isn't right and fair. Your parents KNOW this. And they just cannot face down what is coming.
We live too long, and I again say this as an old, retired RN and an 82 year-old. We live too long and sap the lives of our children. It isn't fair. It isn't right. It is very sad. Make the decision. You are welcome to join your parents and siblings in mourning it. If this isn't worth mourning, this continual loss, what IS?