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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Not big but strong... you'd have to have the muscle tone of a Shetland pony to cope with such a fine figure of a man. It'll be interesting to hear what the OT has to say about safe handling.
I very much like Jeanne's rational approach to how best to "stand by your man," so to speak. I hope other people who've cared for spouses will add their experience too; but do remember that in the end a) other people aren't you and b) you don't need anyone's permission to make the right decision for you and your husband.
And I'm glad that venting felt good! Do more of it :)
I'm very sorry to hear about everything you are going through. This is such a tough and personal question. Based on everything you said and your own age maybe the time has come to consider a nursing home. It is hard on family members when the care is escalating. But the daily care does take a personal toll and its better to recognize this before the anger and resentment affects their care. Talk to your son or a social worker and make sure you have all your options.
Each caregiver has their own threshold for how much caring they can do. For me, any of these might have been the "last straw."
1) Double incontinence 2) Unable to assist with transfers 3) Belligerence
Fortunately none of these things happened during my husband's 10 year journey with dementia, and I was able to have him at home the full time. He died on hospice in our bedroom.
Most of the people in my local caregivers support group have had to place their loved ones in a facility. The three things I named factored into many of the decisions. Falling a lot and being too heavy for the caregiver to lift was also a factor.
I never promised my husband that I would not place him in a facility. I did promise that I would never abandon him, and that if he needed a care center in order to get the best care available, I would be his advocate, I would see that he really was getting that care, and I would visit him a lot.
Care center at any level are expensive. In-home help is expensive. Have you looked into Medicaid?
So more info -- have been caring for my husband with severe perifrial neuropathy both sensory and motor for a couple of years now. It all became much more problematic after a fall last October. He is now in a wheel chair. Cannot walk, cannot transfer self, needs help with most ADL's. in May he had a pulmonary embolism- was in hospital then skilled nursing. Home health has just ended and we (he) will be starting out patient OT and PT this week.
He is very hard to work with ..... is anxious and afraid and does not do as instructed re transferring, sitting properly. I have given up trying to get him to do things correctly as he just yells or says I don't undersand.
Have care givers 3-4 times a week to get him up, bathed , etc and so I can go to the gym. The idea was for him to stay in bed, I'd bring breakfast and paper .. care giver would come and do their thing. Well, he lately has to do a bm so I have to get him up and take care of that -- if he even makes it to the bathroom,
Putting him to bed at night is it's own ordeal.
One son is amazing and calls to see how I am and comes to help even if I say I can do it. The other says I have to ask then there is always attitude..
This is way too long and a big whine , am sorry but feels good.
I really would like to hear when others have decided enough is enough. What was the trigger, especially with a spouse. The dr wanted him to go to board and care after the skilled nursing. Looked at what we could afford .... can't do that. Tried adult day care ... won't take him re bathroom and transfering issues.
I think there is a bit of cognitive imparement as do PT and OT. Am going to push that on next dr visit though to what end I do not know. Now that he is an outpatient I have to do the de visits and car transfering.
Oh, and btw he is 78 yo weighs 250 and is 6'4" tall. I am 73 yo tall and not big but strong.
Hi SandySL It was probably a good while ago that it became too much. Do you need a break? Do you have someone who can come in and stay awhile or will you have to look for a place for him to go for respite? Or maybe you are ready to place him in AL or NH for more help. Tell us more about what's going on. Hugs to you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I very much like Jeanne's rational approach to how best to "stand by your man," so to speak. I hope other people who've cared for spouses will add their experience too; but do remember that in the end a) other people aren't you and b) you don't need anyone's permission to make the right decision for you and your husband.
And I'm glad that venting felt good! Do more of it :)
I'm very sorry to hear about everything you are going through. This is such a tough and personal question. Based on everything you said and your own age maybe the time has come to consider a nursing home. It is hard on family members when the care is escalating. But the daily care does take a personal toll and its better to recognize this before the anger and resentment affects their care. Talk to your son or a social worker and make sure you have all your options.
1) Double incontinence
2) Unable to assist with transfers
3) Belligerence
Fortunately none of these things happened during my husband's 10 year journey with dementia, and I was able to have him at home the full time. He died on hospice in our bedroom.
Most of the people in my local caregivers support group have had to place their loved ones in a facility. The three things I named factored into many of the decisions. Falling a lot and being too heavy for the caregiver to lift was also a factor.
I never promised my husband that I would not place him in a facility. I did promise that I would never abandon him, and that if he needed a care center in order to get the best care available, I would be his advocate, I would see that he really was getting that care, and I would visit him a lot.
Care center at any level are expensive. In-home help is expensive. Have you looked into Medicaid?
He is very hard to work with ..... is anxious and afraid and does not do as instructed re transferring, sitting properly. I have given up trying to get him to do things correctly as he just yells or says I don't undersand.
Have care givers 3-4 times a week to get him up, bathed , etc and so I can go to the gym. The idea was for him to stay in bed, I'd bring breakfast and paper .. care giver would come and do their thing. Well, he lately has to do a bm so I have to get him up and take care of that -- if he even makes it to the bathroom,
Putting him to bed at night is it's own ordeal.
One son is amazing and calls to see how I am and comes to help even if I say I can do it. The other says I have to ask then there is always attitude..
This is way too long and a big whine , am sorry but feels good.
I really would like to hear when others have decided enough is enough. What was the trigger, especially with a spouse. The dr wanted him to go to board and care after the skilled nursing. Looked at what we could afford .... can't do that. Tried adult day care ... won't take him re bathroom and transfering issues.
I think there is a bit of cognitive imparement as do PT and OT. Am going to push that on next dr visit though to what end I do not know. Now that he is an outpatient I have to do the de visits and car transfering.
Oh, and btw he is 78 yo weighs 250 and is 6'4" tall. I am 73 yo tall and not big but strong.
It was probably a good while ago that it became too much. Do you need a break? Do you have someone who can come in and stay awhile or will you have to look for a place for him to go for respite? Or maybe you are ready to place him in AL or NH for more help.
Tell us more about what's going on.
Hugs to you.