When the end comes how do you handle an estranged sibling?

Mica, I (thankfully!) come from a very normal and close family, but imagine my utter surprise and disgust, when I married into the most Dysfunctional family Ever!

I was So sheltered growing up, that I never knew that such family strife even existed. I had heard the word, but never even really knew what Narcissism meant, until I happened upon this forum, and the description fit my FIL (who happened to live with my husband and I, now deceased since 11/17, for over 13 years) to a tee! The havoc his NPD Father and Manipulative Mother caused their family, has destroyed any hope that my husband can ever have any sort of relationship with his 2 siblings, even though he has tried, every which way possible.

When I first started dating (85') and then married my husband, the family seemed nice enough, of course my husband was the baby of the family, the Golden Child, and in the end, the Only one who was ever there for his parents, right til the end. Both of his parents only ever treated me with kindness. 

Over the course of our 33 year relationship, I have witnessed both my husbands brother and sister take Extreme financial advantage of their parents to the tune of Tens of Thousands of Dollars each, but neither Ever gave anything back to them in the ways relationship, emotional, mental, time, enjoyment, let alone repayment, it was always lie and blackmail, and take, take, take! 

It wasn't until I learned more about Dysfunctional families and Narcissistic personality disorder, that Any of it made any sense to me, even my husband, who his Whole life, had been ruled by his Father through Fear, Obligation and Guilt, and by his mother through lies, manipulation and cover ups, didn't fully grasp what had happened throughout his Whole Life!

It has taken Years for all of this to unfold, to become apparent, and when my FIL came to live with us after his wife passed away (another FOG tactic), all the skeletons that were buried in the big trunk out in our storage shed, came back to life, and I was able to piece together how things went drastically wrong in this Screwed Up Family.

For So Many Years, I blamed my husband's siblings for making things so messed up, when in fact (in this situation) it was the parents, who favored one child over another, pitted siblings against one another, bought off, bribed, threatened, changed their Wills, cutting one or the other out, only to reinstate them, lied and manipulated this family, that there is no way that this family (even now that both parents are dead) can ever be put back together again.

My husbands older (1/2) sister is an active raging alcoholic, with NPD, and under/non treated bipolar disease, manipulator and Liar, who secretly racked up over 86 thousand dollars worth of CC debt in her mothers name (we found the reciepts!), not to mention hundreds of thousands in cash (wire transfers with reciepts) freely given to her by her Mother, all in the name of saving her from herself (can you say ENABLING??!), and his older (by 10 months) brother is a 11X married/divorced, Chister, Cheater, and Pathological Liar, who has financially obliterated both his parents, and So many other innocent people, its disgusting!

Leave it to say that when their Father lay dying in our home on Hospice care, neither one of them could be bothered to visit him, send him a card or flowers, or give him a call, or even come to a funeral (so we didn't have one), as there was no longer any way to get more money from him, as my husband as his POA, had locked that door tight 13 years prior, when he moved in with us.

Even after FIL did pass, there was no real show of appreciation for the many years that we took care of their parents, for keeping them safe and cared for, nothing! After FIL passed and my husband sorted out FIL's estate, he even flew to where they lived, to personally deliver their inheritance checks, my husband trying to salvage what might be left of any relationship, but doors were essentially shut in his face, too many years of parental sabtoge had taken place from Early Childhood, so it is what it is.

So in our circumstances, in the end, when both of his parents died, my husband did everything right, he didn't close off communications Ever, but in fact encouraged it, not wanting them to feel regret that they didn't have the opportunity to say their peace and their goodbyes, he tried to reestablish ongoing relations with them, but to no avail, they are both to mired in their own dysfunction and mental health issues.

Many years ago, my husband told me that one of the many reason why he was so attracted to me in the first place, was my Big Happy British Family, and now I know why, as his own family was So Messed Up, that it gave him a place where he could let his guard down, and enjoy what a Normal Loving and Trusting family truly feels like. I'm glad that I have been able to provide that for him, or else he probably would have turned out just as F'd up as his siblings.

In the end, you just have to do what feels right for you, your Soul, and find a way that you don't have to live in regret, as it only eats you up inside. For now, the doors are closed on both ends, my husband has done his best by his parents and his siblings, so the ball is in their court, should they ever wish to have anything to do with us. And No Reaching out for support of Any kind either, we've done our part, and Only ever need to see to the wellbeing of our own grown kids and Grandkids, that ship has definitely sailed!

I fully expect that if my mother ever passes away, I will probably not speak to at least 2 of my siblings again. Not by choice, but simply, because they don't care and never did and never will.

When I happened to mention this to my son--he was appalled. How could this be? Trying to get him to understand the dynamics of 62 years of life with her and them--there's really no animosity, I simply have nothing to do with them. Not trying to punish them, I just don't care.
I think my family is more "normal" in this than you'd like to think.

Micalost, do the extended family members really know how you feel? I can understand that nobody wanted to make a scene at your father's funeral, I can even understand them feeling she has a right to know and attend if she chooses, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are picking her over you. Maybe when the time comes you can enlist their help in keeping her away from you (tell them you'll poke her eyes out if she gets within reach)... don't let her chase you away from your rightful place as chief mourner.

after seeing all the bank statements and canceled checks and hearing what my lawyer said
they "just couldnt send her to jail " and i had a mental breakdown because I have never encountered betrayal like what she did. It is extremely unhealthy for me to think upon this person ( breathing heavily as i type here about it- Dad and i had plans for that money for grandkids)
I did / do have a protector and he whisked me away in the car that day as i had asked him to with no questions asked as to etiquette.
I am going to discuss what to do with the other siblings. I will not contact the person and i cannot see her for my own health as i have still not recovered. i'm sure the others will do that.
there is no money because I saved it to pay for residence in a good memorycare place for mom and now it is all gone and shes on title 19.
thanks everyone for listening...

If sibling has NOT visited or called in 3 years - maybe they're feeling a little guilty for what they did and can not face you?

I say just continue as you please and take care of what your mom needs.

someone who stays "hidden out" doesn't deserve a special notice when the time comes.

stealing from parent if true like you say.....then I wouldn't really care what they thought. if you are doing all the "right" things. then carry on.....

Just don't tell any of them when you are having her placed. Have your own privet ceremony. If they want a service they can do their own memorial service.

May I share that, respectfully, I disagree with JoAnn29 on several points, mainly owing your sibling anything, much less notification of "when." If you plan a cremation, perhaps the facility you choose to do that can take care of notifications - after the event. Or any sort of attorney you may be working with. When you talk with the other siblings, maybe you can suggest your notifying one who will then take the burden of notifying the others. With the burden you are already carrying, you are jeopardizing your own health, though flipping that switch in the other direction is easier said than done, I know. Take care of yourself.

Hi micalost, I also have estranged siblings, 3 out of 5 kids. It can be stressful but what I have done in the last 5 yrs is to send a text message every few months with updates on our mom who has advanced Parkinson's & Dementia. It is their choice to respond or visit mom. It took me a very long time to realize I can only control my actions and not to react to their actions, or in this case lack of. Time goes by so very fast....Do you really want to spend it worked up about things you have no control of? I got to the point that my time & life was more important. Please, for your sanity take your frustration about your sibling & put it towards positive healthily energy for you. It's hard, but if I can do it I'm sure you can too ❤

Someone who steals 80k from a parent doesn't have a conscious or would have done it in the first place. They can justify their actions to the point you bend to their side. They are sociopaths.

Saying that, when Mom passes go with your plans. Contact the sibling by phone or email. Make it short and sweet. Mom died on such and such date. I will be taking her ashes to such and such place and they will be interned with Gma. If you would like to attend the internment will be at...place, date and time. Sign you name. Thats all you owe her. If she shows up just keep your cool. If she says anything about an inheritance tell her you will contact her, by letter, when the will is probated. Tell her its not an overnight thing it could take a year or more. You may luck out and she won't show up. Be the better person but know that you don't ever have to have a relationship with her. If Mom has left her anything, give it to her. I know, not fair, but if you don't she will just cause problems. You want her gone.

I wouldn't bother contacting anyone who hasn't bothered to contact your mom or you all along. For all they know, she is already gone! If they were interested in anything other than inheritance, they would have visited or found a way to be in contact. I have thought about that for my own mother. She has now lived in CA with my brother for over a year but all her friends and family are still where I live. Every time I have gone to a family event or run into one of her friends, they ask about her and I always tell them to call her as she would appreciate it. We actually used an OOMA box so she could take her same phone # to CA with her...I talk with her all the time on that #, so no one has the excuse that they don't have her #. Yet, with the exception of one of her nieces and one of her friends, NO ONE has called her even once. She has over 50 nieces and nephews, plus all their kids ( mom was one of 12 kids). She was president of the Women's club for over 8 years in her town, was a leader in the women of the moose, and lived in the same neighborhood for 50 years. But I guess out of sight out of mind. So when her time comes, only that one friend and one niece will be notified. There will be a small, private ceremony for us and my brother and that will be it. She always said she doesn't want people visiting her or sending flowers when she is dead. And I agree with that. If they don't have time for us when we are alive, then holding a big wake and funeral so THEY can get rid of their guilt is not on my agenda. In fact, I actually hate wakes and funerals...too many people think it's a big party and a chance for everyone to get together and catch up. NOT! I Actually went to one for a younger person last year and people we tailgating in the funeral parking lot. No lie! I just about lost it! Totally disrespectful, and from that time on, if there is one to attend, I go, pay my respects to the deceased and their family and leave. I hope my comments help and I totally understand your feelings about not wanting to see an absentee sibling. So don't.