Where to go now? Grandparent in denial.
Hi, I wanted to see if there was anyone who might have had a similar situation and some advice.
In dec 2019 (now april 2021), my grandfather had a stroke; we hadn't had too many issues with my grandparents before this in terms of care, but when this happened, things got very flipped. Some backround (that I wasn't originally privy too since I am the grandchild in her 20s but now have been informed) He was 83 at the time of stroke and under the impression he was going to work until he died -_- still was working as a factory engineer. My grandmother is highly resentful of them for an unhappy marriage for the past 50 years, and both of them are products of VERY deep trauma involving some pretty heavy stuff. Clearly it had never been dealt with and is now coming into play in terms of emotions and mental state. My family - meaning my mom and uncle... Strongly dislike them for past decision making, they want nothing to do with them. Hatred is probably accurate as a term. My grandmother has an eating and anxiety disorder that she tries to consistently holistically cure and has a large tendency toward hoarding behaviors. I make food for them when she is feeling off, but she is also buying enough food for 6 people and then letting it rot! Every time we talk it's something new that she is trying or she is in such 'gripping pain' (it's the anxiety/panic attacks) that she can't do anything and is lying on the couch, now at 75lbs. She insists on eating raw garlic and onions and smells AWFUL. My husband and family refuse to go near her. Yes we have been to the doctor, I call, we go, she is in therapy, they don't seem to be very effective. On the other half of the equation, My grandfather now that he has had the stroke, has lost all filters and is quite sexually verbal to other women who are not my grandmother or family. He also sleeps most of the day, and has very recognizeable signs of dementia - not remembering dates, years...etc.
They also did not take care of finances and hospital bills that I am now trying to solve on top of her bad spending habits. It is taking a lot of time, and in the midst of that, my husband and I bought the house across the street from us so they could live there so they would be closer to us to watch over. They were originally living nearly 45 minutes away and their landlord was trying to get them to leave because she was concerned for their well-being.
Since we were not aware of the extent of their issues, it has become apparant that they need more extensive care and need to go to an indepenent living situation. We actually have been working through a lot of things and have come a long way - she hasn't gone to the hospital in nearly 6 months, but I think it would really be best if they were in an independent care place with some options to have specialized help.
She will not go. She likes the house and garden even though she keeps it a complete mess and complains about silly things like not being able to work the dishwasher or the bath water doesn't get hot enougth (she wants it basically boiling and we put up the temperature and a pipe burst from the heat). I don't understand it, it's like she wants things perfect but has no idea that she is causing such a mess and smelling up the place?
I have made some appointments to go to some care places - their budget will be stretched because of the lack of care of finances, but they should have enough money; likely they will die with nothing, but they also don't qualify for anything because his social security benefit is too high.
I also made some appointments for in home care consultation and am thinking that may have to do...I am also under pressure from my husband to get her out because he does not want her there anymore.
Advice greatly appreciated.
Thanks
5 Answers
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* Your Grandparents have declining health. GF has stroke onset dementia & GM seems to have mental illness. * They have not been fully independent for some time.
* You & your DH have been very generous to provide them a house but this situation no longer works.
* They need more care.
* You need them to move out of the house you own.
So. Firstly a needs assesment would highlight what care level they both need. What you describe here is IMHO already past IL. (Google Activities of Daily Living & iADLS to get an idea). Cognitive assessments may be part of an assessment.
If unable to arrange their own care, they will need someone to do this. Either family or a service like a Geriatric Care Manager. Medical & financial POAs need to be in order to allow this.
***Do not take this role on without the legal ability to perform the role***
If GM has POA for GF but & GM is not competent, guardianship may indeed be required.
It's a big situation you find yourself in. Without POA you are not obligated above being their landlords but obviously you care & want to help.
Breaking it into smaller goals may help;
* Find professionals to assess their care needs. Use APS if need to.
* Find legal advice
* Advocate for their future care & new housing location.
* Decide the plan for your house across the street (sell/rent out?)
Hopefully others more local to you may know where to get a needs assessment or a social worker service.
One last thing, if DH can be reminded that he also helped arrange the house, it would be great if he could assist or support to unwind that arrangement. Just adding pressure to you is not helpful. Working together will be better.
Best of luck.
They are not going to improve. They are going to need ongoing support. Start looking now so you can place them. They will receive the help that they need, and you can reclaim your life.
Best wishes to you and your family.
It sounds as though you made a mistake getting so involved with your grandparents when you didn’t know the large number of problems involved. It may be confusing that sometimes Grandma seems reasonably OK, but clearly the entire situation is not OK. No-one else in the family wants to be involved, and it sounds that there are good reasons for that. You and your husband should not be picking up all this responsibility for your grandparents. You do not have this obligation, any way you look at it.
This really does sound like a case for state guardianship. You are clearly very capable, and you feel that you can sort out a reasonable solution. However, things will get worse, not better, and already there are some stresses with your husband about the situation. You are not likely to get either help or sympathy from your mother or uncle, when things do get worse and the pressure increases. My guess is that there were already some stresses when you got involved and they refused! You would be better off out of it, remembering that you can still visit and show whatever love and affection you have as a granddaughter..
It could be a very good idea to see a lawyer whose practice includes state guardianship issues. Dealing with that and the house issue together could be sensible – they need guardianship because the lease is to be terminated, and the lease is to be terminated because they need guardianship.
Another big red flag here is the landlord trying to get them to leave because of concerns for their wellbeing. They're obviously not fit to live independently or the landlord wouldn't have been trying to get them to leave, right?
Your grandmother not realizing that she's making huge messes and stinking up the house means her executive brain function is likely compromised and a full medical evaluation is warranted before any further decisions can be made.
Please get their doctor involved and an assessment done so you know exactly what deficits they're dealing with here. Then they can be placed accordingly.
Good luck!
You really went above and beyond in buying a house across the street for your grandparents to live in. I hope they are paying rent. Do you have a lease with them?
You said they need independent living. Do you mean assisted living? Assisted living sounds like it would be a good match for them. Do you have POA for them?
It would be nice if your hubby would not pressure you to get them out. It's hard enough to figure it all out and find a new place for them without that extra pressure. What does he want? For you to evict them? Which if grandma is adamant about not leaving, you just might have to do so. You could also tell a fib and say you are putting the house up for sale because (insert reasonable yet untrue excuse here). Then they would have to leave.