Being the adult child who has taken on the responsibility of being POA, making so many decisions for our mother in a NH, why am I being given a hard time by some of my sibs? Why can't they realize that I am weighted down with extra responsibility and have freed them up. Paying bills, researching elder law, consulting with attorneys, social workers, etc. all from long distance, not to mention my personal expenses in travel to complete my responsibilities. I love my mother and feel blessed to have the opportunity to support her in this way, so I am not complaining at all. I just am having a difficult time in dealing with my sibs who are so self-centered that they are making things difficult for no apparent reason. Temper tantrums over petty issues that are much to do about nothing, and only serves to make waves. Feeling like I am thrust back to junior high dealing with the mean girls!
Any words of inspiration or advice???
Hiding and changing documents and closing all communications with me. My father and mother defended him to all ends being that he is the male child. I have no legal access to their finances or medical needs. Now i go to see them and see them deterioating and living alone in thier 90's and feel helpless that I cannot get them any assistance without any financial access. He does not ansswer phone calls or e mails and refuses fo communicate. Heaven knows what he has changed legally or have had them sign for now they do not remember even what time of the day it is. Somehow they are surviving when he visits and drops off food once (if they are lucky) a week. The food is full of preservatives and not nutritious. I feel helpless and frustrated but it is what they have chosen when they defended and chose him as their designate representative. They are getting worse and more and more helpless and in need of assistance. I try my best to help out with what I can provide but it is a strain on my family and children. I understand that the sibling who is "in charge" feels frustrated but the one who is powerless is frustrated to when they cannot participate in decisions nor have access to find help for their parents.
WHY is it easier to complain about what someone else is doing, instead of helping? WHY is it easier to find fault with what someone has/is doing than to help. Again this children's fable comes to mind. "Who will help me, asked this little Red Hen?"
Make a list of all the tasks you HAVE been doing and tasks that need to be done on an ongoing basis. THEN, have a family meeting (online, in person, however it would work) and in this meeting define what needs to be done and ask "Who will help me......" If someone steps up to the plate, you will have some help, if no one does, then you should have some 'proof' of your asking.
There is a website that is free, and allows you to 'assign tasks' etc to family members, its a private secure service and again its free.
Lotsofhelpinghand provides this service and having used it myself I will tell you, it helped ME explain what needed to be done,and who was doing it. It also allowed family/those with assess to the website a place to add notes, concerns, messages, pictures etc, with regards to Mom's care.
I hope this helps. If it isn't accepted by your siblings, so be it. DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING, and know in your heart that you are doing the best you can with the 'help' you have. God bless you and the sibling that ARE helping!!
Each of us has our own point of view and given any situation will probably come up with a solution that is different from anyone else facing a similar situation. Your siblings naturally have life long patterns of behavior with you and among each other. During times of stress (sick relative, etc) it may be difficult for them to realize that they must behave more objectively towards your actions because your role as POA is now different from your old role as a sibling. My cousin is being very objective (far too much for my satisfaction) but I respect his point. In the future (beginning now) I am very thoughtfully going to contact him and treat him more like a work colleague when we are working on a task for the 'great uncle project'. For example, I am going to clearly outline tasks that need accomplishing and directly ask him to take a few over. If he declines to do so I will be unhappy but at least i'll know where both he and I stand. I recognize that the stakes are much higher for you and you sibs than for me and my cousin. After your Mother passes on you and your sibs will be left to carry on the family. Perhaps it would be helpful to all of you if you could adopt a professional attitude towards your role of POA and let them know what you are doing. It may give some of them the opportunity to contribute at a level which is comfortable for them (and any legitimate help will be good for you). You'll learn who the self centered ones are pretty quickly if you don't already know. And once this chapter in your life is over you'll have the personal satisfaction of knowing that you did your very best, you will be square with your Mom and God and your sibs will know what you are really made of. Best wishes.