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My 89 yo mother never used to lie (that I or my sister knew of). Now she's lying to our faces. Examples: Says she didn't ask my other sister for ice cream when she did, says her signing a contract with my brother in law was her idea, when it wasn't (brother in law took advantage). We tracked her and these are actual LIES. Also, she hides candy wrappers and tells her caregiver not to tell us. The caregiver has known her for five years and agrees this is strange. I asked Mom why she lies and she says "I don't know". Is this normal elderly behavior? Is this part of dementia? We asked her geriatrician who seems to not know if lying is part of being elderly and lower brain function or something. I will say Mom's memory has been failing for years and this year is the worst decline.

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trying to negotiate a world that no longer makes sense...telling lies to cope are understandable.
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Lying & confabulation is part of dementia. If your mother's 'geriatrician' has no idea that such a thing goes hand in hand with her condition, it's time to find a REAL geriatrician who's familiar with dementia and what it's all about! Memory loss goes with the territory and it will continue to deteriorate as her dementia progresses.

The best thing you can do is to learn all you can about dementia online, and to pick up a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a reference guide to help you with questions. Also watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn how to deal with demented elders in general. Don't take it personally that mother is 'lying'; she's telling you HER version of HER truth, as she sees it.

There's nothing 'normal' about dementia and no, dementia is not part of normal elderly behavior. Dementia is a condition where the brain no longer works properly and continues to deteriorate over time.

Wishing you good luck on your journey to learn all about what's going on with your mom.
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Dementia is very individual but lying isn’t uncommon. She may no longer be able to differentiate truth from fiction and truly not understand what’s happening. I hope you won’t argue with her over it, frustrating for you both and solves nothing. She can no longer sign a contract and should be protected from doing so
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Do a search for confabulation on this forum. You will see that many elders go through this with dementia. It’s part of the tricks being played on her brain. When she says she doesn’t know why she lies, she is telling you the truth.

Bonding with the caregiver is also common. Asking not to tell you things happens. It’s good that it’s only candy wrappers. I would feel bad that she thought you were the candy police. If she can’t control how much she eats, maybe make it less available.

Confabulation is confusing at first because it is new behavior for YOU and the family and the caregiver to be on the watch for.
Don’t argue with her or try to convince her that what she is saying isn’t true. It will just upset both of you and someone that she trusts trying to tell her something different from what her brain “knows” is crazy making.

And please don’t say she is lying, as that’s hurtful.
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kpkb59 Nov 2021
It's hard not to call it lying. I ask her a direct question like "Did you ask (sister) to bring you ice cream tonight?" She says "no". Then I ask, "Did you ask her to bring you ice cream "like" dessert such as ice cream drum sticks? Then she admits that she did. I have a hard time calling it confabluation because it just seems like she is escaping the truth. I'm not trying to be mean, I love my mom. This behavior is hurtful to me because we have never misled each other.
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It's part of her dementia. She may not even know she's lying. Or she's lamely trying to cover things up? Regardless, I would not worry about it. Realize she's in a different reality at this stage of her life and just doesn't really matter anymore. You just have to adjust your thinking as what you expect from her for information and don't rely on her for accurate info any longer.

My mom is 78 and having lots of memory issues. She lies too. Annoying. But is it a lie if they really can't remember?? I just expect nothing. She tells my sister one thing, me another. I think it's just because she's so confused she just basically confabulates everything.
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kpkb59 Nov 2021
This makes sense to me for most of her false statements. Not all, but most. I think she doesn't remember so she fills in the reality with imagined best guess. Other times, she flat out lies. I would feel better knowing this is all part of the declining brain. Maybe her boundaries are not as robust so a quick denial of something is easier than facing some truth? But I do distinguish between that and the "best guess" fill in answers that are untrue and I know that's not lying, of course. I've asked her if she can just not fill in and say "I don't know" and I'm not sure if that is asking too much. I'm so unimpressed with her new geriatrician. No supportive info on this matter....thank you for your response. I'm working through it all.
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