I have been taking care of mom seven years now, and it seems like as time goes on she wants to control my life, and what I do more & more. It's just too much! I am 35 yrs. old, and have a fourteen yr. old son I am raising w/o any help from his father. I just feel like she wants to have all the control she can get. Is it to maybe keep me taking care of her? Or afraid I'd leave her alone? I don't get it. I can't even use washer & dryer in any peace because she bought them. So ridiculous stuff like that makes me want my own place so much more. I pay my bills, and deserve to do laundry in peace, at least one would think. I'm buying my own car in a month, and I know she will freak out. It's my choice, and I won't my own car so I can run errands in peace without any questioning or clock-watching. I love my mom, but this whole thing has caused me so much stress over past couple years, and now that I am full-time college student I really need a quiet place to study with out her distracting me, Having a car will help me to go to quiet place like library to get some work done. If any of you can relate, or have any advice on "how" to deal with this then Please let me know. Thanks so much for any support you may offer. Have a Blessed new week:) kelly
Get your mom into daycare. Elder daycare is less expensive than full time nursing home and some centers will accept Medicaid and VA benefits. She will be with nurses and other people her age doing fun activities all day. You will be free to get your duties done during the day and spend evenings and weekends together as a family.
In the beginning, she may be angry about losing control or accuse you of abandoning her, but many folks start to love the stimulation and social activities.
Connect with www.NADSA.org to see if there is a center near you. I hope there is one close.
Good luck and God Bless.
I actually know what you are talking about. I wanted to write to you earlier, but things I had to do kept coming up. I finally have time to sit down and write. Parents can treat us like we are forever teenagers. I am 63 and my mother still treats me like I'm 15. If she wants me to do something and I don't want to, she'll get angry and say this is my house, too. But if she doesn't want me to do something, then the house magically converts to hers. She uses belittling as a way to try to keep some control. It is irritating, but I try to let it slide. If I protest, it just escalates the situation. I know that if I ignore it, the situation will calm down and things will return to normal. (But yes, I do get angry with it.)
Kelly, I feel like you're doing what you need to be doing now. You seem to have a good feel for what you're doing and where you are going. Try not to let your mother get to you too much. A lot of mothers do the same thing. To mothers, we are always willful teenagers in need of control. As long as we know differently, we can try to let the remarks slide past us.
I hope you can find a good car. I know that you need something that you can say "This is MINE." I know that feeling so well.
does not think the same due to their
own bad experiences or just plain
ignorance. I am sure you have a great
idea of what you need to do just for
your own sanity or just continue to let
things be the way they are and figure out what works best within your homw with your mother.
kellyb, so many great answers here, you are trying to help, it started out right..... find a place for mom if she has dementia and you and your son go live your lives.. and congrats on being in college..... that is awesome.... keep us updated...
I also want to vote YES on getting the POA and healthcare directive done. You don't have to use it for anything now, but it can help a great deal in a few years when things get more difficult for one and all.
Controlling, I think you nailed it that some of it can come from fear. It's like they are periodically testing the water, ..."you'll still do what I ask, ...right?". I've noticed too, as people age, the ones who stay indoors and home more, the few things they still have interest in seem super important. Like, since they don't have a lot going on, they want to control the heck out of the things they do have. Of course for a person that has time intensive things like a teenager to keep up with, classes, errands, laundry, the knit picking seems pretty nutty. :-) (Yes, I'm speaking from 1st hand experience with my Mom.)
Yes, you need your own car, your own future, your own corner of the world to call home, and it sounds like you are working on those. That's good, otherwise you'll look up in the forest without a trail of bread crumbs and wonder how in the heck you got there, how you're going to get out. Heehee, my Sister once said to our very controlling Mom when she was trying to boss her around on several things, as well as tell her what job to take, "Well, Mom, if I let you live my life, ...then who's life will I live?". :-) That was over 10 years ago, but still makes me smile. Chin up, you'll get there in due time.
Before I realized my cousin had dementia, I had a horrible time tolerating her. I stayed with her to help her run her household and take care of her and her cat, when she broke her foot. She was so rude and constantly would accuse me of putting grease on the counter. (There was no grease.) She would sit at the door and start complaining about odd things as soon as I walked into the door. (I didn't know what she was talking about.) She was terrified her cat could escape the house through a hole the size of a pin head! It wasn't until later that we realized it was the dementia causing all that irrational and controlling behavior.
There is no way to stop that behavior, only tolerate it and redirect it. Eventually, your mom won't be able to stay alone at anytime. I would consider the options at this time and make sure you have all the proper documents like Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, etc. if she is still capable of signing them. I might also see an Elder Law attorney to get advice on financial matters, as long term care for those with dementia is expensive. I would see what the options are for her situation.
It is very stressful to deal with someone with dementia and I bet your child is stressed too. These are things to consider when thinking of your long range plans.
Also, my cousin is now in a Memory Care unit. She is no longer complaining or controlling, as she doesn't have much to say. Everyone's progression is different, but I would prepare myself for what lies ahead.