My father never saved money. When he died, he left very little for my mother other than a modest pension. She should be in a retirement home. She is forgetful, and she is almost blind. But she doesn’t have the money to go into a retirement home. And she wants to live independently.
She was living in a place owned by my sister until 5 months after my father died. It made sense. My sister is an empty nester who doesn’t work. She has time and money. Despite this my sister pushed my mom to move into the same building as me. She said that she could not be my mothers only “regular” companion anymore. (My mother has very few friends).
I work full time at a very stressful job. I have nothing to give at the end of the workday and suffer from depression and work related burnout. My sister feels that because I am single, I “only have myself to take care of” and should be able to care for my mother. She hasn’t worked for many years, and just doesn’t get the fact that I have a very small window of time in the mornings and evenings. The weekend is spent running around doing errands.
My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. She is a very critical person. Since she has moved in, I feel like I’m living at home again. She is very critical and it’s getting me down. I resent my sister because she has so much more time to care for our mother. Her and her husband have money. I don’t. And I HAVE to work.
My sister does come over twice a week to take my mother out but then she gets to swan off back to her home 20 minutes away. She is refusing to let my fathers death and mothers needs impact her life.
She is going away for three months on vacation, leaving me to deal with my mother and my job. I am so angry and resentful. I don’t understand why she gets to have her life and I don’t. I’m also very angry that my father was so bad with his money and left things in such a mess. My parents emigrated and never had to care for aging parents. I don’t have kids and will have nobody to care for me. Why should I have to give up my 50’s into my 60’s to take care of my mother?
I’m not even sure if I have a question. But I feel alone. And I am hoping to find other people on this forum who have faced the same issues.
Marina
Find a care facility if your mom won’t go then refuse to take care of her
Can you move
Let the state step in contact adult family sevices
You can only be a doormat if you lie down
Tell your sister in writing what you are doing
You are risking your health
Stand up for your self
Find services for your mom refuse to take her calls
Stop being a doormat
You may wind up there anyway regardless your effort.
I know it’s hard, but do it sooner rather than later.
Its really the best for your mom and you.
Like you said, you have to work to provide for yourself. Your sister is not going to do it.
Call an attorney tomorrow.
You are doing a wonderful thing by taking care of your momma. Try to embrace all the time you have with her. Your sister will have to live with the fact that she didn’t help you. My sister calls me crying and apologizing for not helping all the time. I now live my life knowing I did the best I could do for my mom. And my mom reminded me of this everyday that she was still in this earth.
I hope you find peace in knowing that there are so many people on this forum that are here for you and experiencing the same exact things you’re going through. ♥️♥️🙏🏻
The latest “tool” is something said here on this thread — “if they can’t manage to show you respect, you can’t manage to help” — as this is what we are experiencing now with my narcissistic MIL & 2 SILs who have always treated my husband poorly.
I had a thought - My Mother and Brothers put me through a LOT of stress for 15 years. I was the ONLY one caring for my Mom and her house. I had to do everything. Housework, yard work, cleaning windows, shopping, her hair - the list is endless. She owned her home which she didn't want to move out of and my two idiot useless brothers kept telling her that she was fine where she was. Brothers lived in different province.
At nearly 90 years, she finally fell seriously enough that the neighbour got to her faster than I, and called 911. From that day on, my life got better. She first went into a Hospital, then Nursing car home. My Brothers FINALLY saw that she couldn't live alone and Finally backed me up on getting her into a permanent seniors independent living home.
What I'm getting at is the fact that my Dad was a veteran and when he passed over, Mom received his veteran's pension as well as her regular pensions. This money could now be used to pay for her living in a seniors home. (It always could have for over 15 years), but my brothers wouldn't see this or help me convince my stubborn on the narcissist side personality wise Mother, that she needed to move.
Was your Dad a veteran? Were there any pensions from that which your Mom could be receiving. (if she's old enough) perhaps not, but I thought it might give you an idea.
Just saying....cuz I wish I had known some time ago.
pups when they vacationed... although dog sitting for family never crossed my mind when we took home 3 bitty kitties being fed dog food( damages their eyes) we decided to keep 2. I was sooo surprised and gratful that my husband told the kids no more dog sitting. Hang in there M and know that here is
where you will get great/ hard truth/ support for your sanity. The past experiences and advice of most posters
are the real deal. My mom is in her 90’s and drove until 88.
Reading info and advice here for 4 years without posting until your cat post today has kept me sane ( I think). Looking forward to hearing of
steps and changes you will try as your post has motivated me to ‘get the ball rolling’ on changes to my and Mother’s lives.
be in this position. A couple things come to my mind and that is we only have control over our decisions and actions and cannot control someone else's. You can walk in forgiveness of sister because she does not know what she is doing- if she did she would not do it. Once you can forgive, you will be free. That will not fix her but it won't be destroying you. I do not know her situation but there could be things involved we do not know. Some husbands are very unwilling to share. I just got told off by my sister's husband because he was upset that she was caring for our mother while I was on respite. Your sister may have health conditions, or who knows what other factors could be in the mix.
You get to choose what you can do. That is just being honest. Your sister
can choose what she can do. Then it is Mom's turn to make some decisions
based on her options. There have been some very good suggestions of how to walk through the boundaries. There are other options available for her which have been shared. You are not responsible for her condition, nor are
you the only person who can help her. Your mother needs to accept the
fact that there are others who can help her. Some states will pay you for caregiving.
It is my prayer that you find relief from this heavy burden- and soon.
I am expected to take both of them to their Dr appts and any other appts. I do their laundry, clean their house, do their yard work., shower & shampoo my mother 3X a week, fix her meals.. except dinner. I'm at moms 9-4 Mon-Fri. By the way she has Dementia. My hu can prepare his meals and take care of his personal care. Well most of the tire, sometimes he ends up on the bathroom floor or shower. He uses a walker, all of the time and has fallen down the front stairs of our home many times because sometimes he doesn't use the handicap ramp.
Both are stubborn 85 & 78 yr old. doesn't matter how much they wear me out. My sister lives in my mothers home, she goes to work whatever time she wants and returns when she wants. She has position of my moms bankcard which she won't return. She buys grocery 2X month. Can't see how she spends so much. She takes vacation 3-4 weeks at a time. Can you see where this puts me? I'm on SS so I don't have much either, but I put out $150 on gas in June to run back and forth 2-3X a day. My budget is $50 month
If you don't take care of your Mother who will? Have you tried getting assistance from a Home Health Agency? My sister blackballed us because she fought with CNA. It's hard. yes. Sometimes we don't have a choice when the other siblings are
self centered and selfish. Go to your local Aging Center, a Senior Center, see if they can help. If your sister doesn't interfear at your every move, go for it. Mine does interfear with everything but wants nothing to do with my mom except live there, hand her her night pills (doesn't matter if she takes them) and see to her own comforts.
I wish you better luck than I. I am sooo worn out.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this without the support of your sister and her husband. It is certainly something that a lot of us have dealt with. Venting is good, but I wonder if you have reached out to a support group. I have attended a couple of support groups that have been life savers for me. I have also learned a lot from them. I contacted my dad's health plan (Kaiser) and also IHSS (In Home Support Services). My dad makes too much for Medi-cal but he did qualify for respite care. So I am able to get someone to come in, or in my case, take my dad to adult day care (called day break) and am reimbursed by the county. Perhaps your sister and her husband can front the payment and get reimbursed. There are a lot of programs out there to help, but we just have to find them (and who has time for that). Reach out to Social Services in your area and inquire about resources for the elderly. I hope that this helps.
I am going to say this. How we are chosen to be the caregiver isn't known to us, but I think that it's because we have a special something that we just don't know about. God bless all of us that care for our parents (at home or while they are in a nursing home).
I moved in with my father with Alzheimer's in May 2017, and my father gave me his blessing. We thought that my siblings (there are five of us) would help and I would go home on weekends. In October 2017, my sister said something like "we need to start cleaning out the house so that when he dies, we aren't under a great deal of pressure to get rid of things." I replied (grrrr....), "Dad isn't dying, he has Alzheimer's. He can live to be 100! (he is currently 87) I have not heard from my sister or her adult children since that day. Sooo...I read something about as a caregiver you have to decide if you are in it for the long haul. I miss my husband dearly. I get to go home 2 nights a week because my son comes to stay with my dad. My other son comes to stay with him so that I can have a girls night out. They both have young families so I try hard not to ask too much of them. I'm 54 and my husband and I have only been married for 4 years. So because I need to spend time with him, we are going on a 10 day vacation. My sister is charging $200 a day to come from AZ to stay with my dad. Well...I'm going to pay it because I need the break. If I had a caregiver come from the company we use for the caregivers while I am at work, it's much more expensive . I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Funny...my brother is complaining that I am paying my sister but he is taking his wife on a cruise so he can't do it. Ha ha ha...he hasn't been here since December. Sibling stories are just crazy.
I wish you the best, my friend. Take care and be sure to take care of you!!! Don't forget to breathe!
Oh...one more thing. Find a fun hobby you might like. I keep buying old furniture and refinishing it. I love it. My dad complains that I am taking over his garage, but he doesn't remember the next day so all is good. :)
It is amazing how fast the “devoted family” can vanish when the hard parts of day to day caregiving emerge.
Blessings to your husband and sons. I am presently in a co-caring situation with someone like your sister. No real devotion, “give me my cut”, nice long vacations (for them)........
I agree with every word you’ve posted, and I hope that the sun shines on every day of your upcoming vacation. YES to caregiver groups, and YES to this wonderful website and YES to those of us who are willing to be there for those who need us.
Since your sister has money, I would ask her to hire a sitter those three months for a few days a week. Hopefully she will do this.
Remind her that your mother raised her also, it is our time to give back. According to Gods word. Which believe me I have to read this everyday. It has helped with my resentment and anger.
My prayers are with you!
I share the same frustrations with you, but actually have the opposite problem. I live 900 miles away from my mother who lives in Kentucky. She is currently at home and needs almost-24/7 care. She is bed-bound and only gets up with the help of a physical therapist. My mom and I pay for 2 caregivers, and she also has a home health aide a couple of times a week (paid through her Medicare). The sad and frustrating problem is that my sister and her 21 year-old daughter live in the SAME TOWN as my mother and they NEVER call her, NEVER visit; they have said they "Do not have time." They offer NO HELP whatsoever. My mother has begged them for help, or even just a phone call every now and then. They have had a contentious relationship with Mom over the years and they both got mad when Mom chose to go home rather than back to a rehab facility after a hospitalization last December. They both expected her to apply for Medicaid and go back to the rehab/nursing home. (Which would have been the best solution but...) They are using the excuse that they are "mad at her" and that's why they are not helping her and not staying in contact with her at all.
For a daughter and granddaughter to totally abandon their mother/grandmother is appalling.
It is extremely frustrating, and the burden falls solely to me. All I have to say is that I have to let God be their judge. And I'm guessing it is going to VERY hot where they are going when they die!
My daughter works in our state and investigates situations where a family member has taken over an elderly parents financials
Do not let your sister spend your mother’s money make her accountable
Contact an attorney experienced in ELDER law not all attorneys know elder law
Don’t be a door mat for your sister to walk over
I'm sure by now you know that you are not alone. The scenarios vary as much as the number of people who are in the same boat - absent siblings, critical abusive parents, only children, not enough funds, wanting to live independently! Most of us have been in one or more of these situations. Even worse are those of us who are already into retirement, so we're not exactly spry young or middle-aged able people, and quite possibly have medical issues of our own.
Our grandmother was taken care of by several of her daughters, living with each for a given amount of time, with them sharing the "burden". In her case, this was not difficult as she was mobile and did not have dementia. In addition, none of the sisters were retired at that point and many did not work outside the home, so it was even easier. By the time THEY all retired, grandmother was gone, so they all ENJOYED their retirements BIG TIME - travel hither and yon, condos in FL for the snow geese, etc!!! At least one poster here mentioned retiring early, thus shorting herself not only income, but probably increasing insurance costs and reducing what she will get later from SS. THIS is unacceptable, but too often there is not much to be done about it. You are still working, and should continue (although you mention long hours and stress - perhaps you could find another position that could reduce the hours/stress? I do understand that at some point age is a factor and it becomes hard to find other work, so one must hang on to what one has - been there, done that. I was lucky enough that when I was laid off, my severance covered me up to that early SS age, so I said no way to finding another job - who would hire this old person who walks with a cane and has a very bad back???)
The best advice given so far is to not let that resentment feed itself. It won't change the situation and only eats away at you. It took me some time to finally realize that. It still irks me, but other than some random venting now and then, I let it go - I realize it won't change anything and it was not doing ME any good! Although non-local older brother came up a few times to assist in clearing out the condo and the other helped a few times, most of this (especially the cleaning and organizing all the work to be done) fell on my lap. It still took OVER a year and a half now to get it ready for market!!!
One suggestion is to get an evaluation - we contacted a home aide service and the first visit was a nurse who assessed mom (two of us were there for this assessment.) Given her condition (early dementia, very hard of hearing, Macular degeneration, and becoming very forgetful), we were told Medicare (NOT medicaid, Medicare) WOULD provide some services (it is limited) BUT mom would have to agree to personal help, like bathing. Just having someone clean, make food, oversee medication, etc is not enough. Our mom refused this help, so the services had to be paid for (we told her Medicare was paying for it - by that time I had taken over her finances, so we were "self-paying".) Medicaid is also income based, but sometimes in-home help can be paid for by it. We were lucky in that dad had a very good job and they were very "frugal" (except for mom supporting Marshalls and TJMaxx!!), so there are currently funds available in a trust we set up to protect those assets paying for her MC unit (not cheap!) Others have suggested VA assistance, which can also provide some in-home help and/or income. This is only available if one or both were in the service for a specific amount of time, had honorable discharge and participated in a war. If either was in the service, check it out. A local VA place can provide some assistance with this program. Although there are guidelines they use for income, there are deductions for many things, so it can bring the total income under the limit.
Apparently there is now a limit, so TO BE CONTINUED...