My father never saved money. When he died, he left very little for my mother other than a modest pension. She should be in a retirement home. She is forgetful, and she is almost blind. But she doesn’t have the money to go into a retirement home. And she wants to live independently.
She was living in a place owned by my sister until 5 months after my father died. It made sense. My sister is an empty nester who doesn’t work. She has time and money. Despite this my sister pushed my mom to move into the same building as me. She said that she could not be my mothers only “regular” companion anymore. (My mother has very few friends).
I work full time at a very stressful job. I have nothing to give at the end of the workday and suffer from depression and work related burnout. My sister feels that because I am single, I “only have myself to take care of” and should be able to care for my mother. She hasn’t worked for many years, and just doesn’t get the fact that I have a very small window of time in the mornings and evenings. The weekend is spent running around doing errands.
My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. She is a very critical person. Since she has moved in, I feel like I’m living at home again. She is very critical and it’s getting me down. I resent my sister because she has so much more time to care for our mother. Her and her husband have money. I don’t. And I HAVE to work.
My sister does come over twice a week to take my mother out but then she gets to swan off back to her home 20 minutes away. She is refusing to let my fathers death and mothers needs impact her life.
She is going away for three months on vacation, leaving me to deal with my mother and my job. I am so angry and resentful. I don’t understand why she gets to have her life and I don’t. I’m also very angry that my father was so bad with his money and left things in such a mess. My parents emigrated and never had to care for aging parents. I don’t have kids and will have nobody to care for me. Why should I have to give up my 50’s into my 60’s to take care of my mother?
I’m not even sure if I have a question. But I feel alone. And I am hoping to find other people on this forum who have faced the same issues.
Marina
Some mentioned meals on wheels and I believe it was you who quoted your mother as saying this was too expensive. I had inquired into this program and was told it would be $2 for one meal/day, at noontime. You should look into it to be sure, but the whole point of this program is to ensure people who need it get at least one good meal a day at a very reasonable cost!
We had hoped to keep mom in her condo (I'm independent, I can cook, I can clean was her mantra, none of which was true!) We were able to hire aides for 1 hour/day 3 times a week, and then upped it to 5 days, but she finally refused to let them in after a few months. THAT refusal of outside assistance is a gate to getting outside help. If we had lived closer, I would have made an effort to be there and try to ensure she got used to having someone around, and back off over time, but that was not possible (1.5 hour drive each way for me!) Regardless of how mom feels about it, stand your ground, tell her you cannot keep doing these tasks as it is impacting your health, and she NEEDS the help!
As for siblings, as noted already above and by others, you cannot always count on them (until the inheritance becomes available!!) In your case and many others there won't be any inheritance, so that won't be an issue. As noted by some others, there will be money/property left and those siblings will be there with bells on at that time, and in the meantime will stonewall you and bitch about what is being spent! Well, either put up or shut up. Anything that is available is THAT person's money/property and should be used for THEIR benefit while they are still alive. Hopefully the person providing the actual care has DPOA and control over all the finances. If not, make it happen!!! An Elder Care attorney can set everything up and can even assist in navigating Medicaid - HER assets should pay for this, but if they are very limited, you and your sister may have to contribute (unless there are EC attorneys out there who can provide services at reduced cost.)
I have two brothers, one a year older, the other 10 years younger. The older one is not local, but is/was the "golden" child. Yes, he visited once in a while, called most every Sunday, but otherwise was not around to help with anything. The younger one is still working, was the one who lived closer and was called upon over the years to fix stuff or pick her up if she went to ER via ambulance for UTIs (yes, she did this, generally at night when she would not drive and after we took the car away, and when chastised for it, as she is taking service away from someone who might really need it, she would just say her insurance pays for it.) When the time came to find a place for her as she would not allow anyone in, refused to move in with any of us and still maintained that ridiculous mantra, we explored places (thankfully we had already set up the DPOA, trust, etc before she was too far down the yellow brick road!) The younger was adamant that MC was not for her, she would prefer just AL - no, she can just walk out anytime, she's not being monitored!! He did not understand dementia or where she was at. The other was just agreeing with whatever. Both were astounded at the cost and both said 'Gee, for that amount I'LL take her in!' Sure, no clue what that would entail!!! The last time older brother was up, we went to visit when he arrived and once in the morning before we headed to work on the condo. After that, anytime I suggested he visit when we had some free time, he refused, saying he did not know how to relate to her or what to do while there - and YOU wanted to take her in???? I ended up with everything else to handle after we moved her - finances, managing the trust and condo, organizing clean up and repairs, running to appointments, most of the visiting, etc.
Again, running the mouth (typing) has hit the limit, so TO BE CONTINUED!
So, yes, you need to explore all the options available for mom. Medicare help for home aides, Medicaid for home help or facility, AL, getting DPOA, etc. Although the choices may be limited, some AL facilities (not nursing homes as she likely does not need that yet, but AL) are Medicaid approved. Set boundaries as to when and how much help you provide. You can probably hire (she should pay from her own assets if possible and Medicare/Medicaid/VA won't) people to clean, cook, provide some personal care, etc, which will take a load off of you. Initially you could arrange to be there when these aides come in, and introduce them as "friends" who are helping YOU. Each time exit the situation earlier and earlier, hoping that she will get used to/build a relationship with whoever is coming in (hopefully it will be the same people each time.) Check out meals on wheels (mom's was to be arranged through the Senior Center, but she refused that because she considered the meals crap, probably based on a SIL who lived elsewhere and perhaps got not so nice meals?) As others suggested, make a list of her needs that you currently provide and figure out which of those can be offloaded to someone/something else. Restrict visits and assistance whenever possible (boundaries!) Find outlets for yourself to help you unwind/unstress.
Believe me, you are not alone. I could have written your post. I have a sister like yours. She doesn't work but will not lift a finger to help me with my mom. I've been my mom's caregiver and POA since 2012. I was also my husband's caregiver during this time. He passed from cancer last year. I am nearly burned out. Try to make time for yourself. I keep telling myself I'm doing the best I can.
Jean