sosad2 Asked August 2011
How do you tell your mom that she can’t live with you because it would be too hard to manage work and caregiving?
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My mother sold her home to move out of my town because she didn't like it here. She couldn't make it emotionally without us, so she moved back but not wanting to. Now she's severely depressed and wants me to take care of her. I just got a job (one year now), that is stressful, but it allows me to help pay for my kids college. If i didn't work, they wouldn't be able to go, plus we need it financially. She is giving up her will to live because she is so lonely and heartbroken and sees my denial of this as yet another rejection. I see her everyday and take her to dr.s and handle everything for her now.
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You have an opportunity here we wish we had.....you get to sit with your husband and discuss what you want as a team. You two are too young to start on this road.
I know several couples who spend summer months here in Minnesota and the other 9 months of the year in Arizona or Texas or Florida. In no case does it involve living in their kids' homes. Being a snowbird is a fine thing (if you are healthy and can afford it) and it in no way obligates relatives to provide a residence at either end of the circuit.
Do you want to play summer hosts for the next 30 years? Do you want to play year-round hosts when Mom decides she hates Florida or living near her sister or traveling back and forth?
JUST SAY NO.
Read here about parents moving in - there is a "search site" box on the upper right of the page. You will find some horror stories.
Look after yourselves and don't let her guilt you into anything.
The tricky bit is that if the duplex is warm in the winter it's going to be pretty stifling in the summer, isn't it? Fortunately, your mother is too young for this to be a serious health concern; but it does mean that she might want to rethink her overall living arrangements for the future.
Is it selfish to want to lead your life with your husband freely, unencumbered by your mother's needs? That's easy: no. It isn't. It's normal. You've earned it.
Maybe you could think about inviting your mother for a week or two, and ask your children to join in for a Grand Family Luncheon or something, bringing the grandchildren, just to be friendly? Arranging dates for this might even be a good way of bringing the subject up and making it politely clear that the invitation is for that fixed period only, and not for the entire season.
I'm so sad to read of your father's illness and passing. What terrible things were visited on loyal servicemen, I'm very sorry for it.
My father has refused to take the anti-depressants his doctor put him on - but the sunshine and being able to get out and about have helped a lot.
During my depression, I still had the responsibility of a child to care for; so I got up and went to work every day and did what I had to do. Not sure what I would have done if I had the ability to lay in bed all day; i.e. ~ no little one depending on me. Perhaps it's a good thing I did have so many responsibilities ~ lest I stay in bed all day waiting for phone calls too!
I hope the right medication and resources are able to help your Mom. Do not, though, let it consume you with all your other responsibilities. Do the best you can for her; at some point, she will also have to be willing to step up and help herself.
Keep us posted!
For those who think there is no reason she couldn't be more self-sufficient I say, yes there is a reason. Depression is a debilitating condition, just like COPD or Arthritis. If she is clinically depressed, that has to be addressed, even if it means travelling some distance to an appropriate provider. I say this as one who has been clinically drepressed and treated for it. It is delibitating. Mom is unlikely to snap out of it on her own.
Once the depression is addressed, then many of the other suggestions you have been given in this thread will be applicable. See if she would find the activities at the senior center of interest. Does she have a skill she could teach, like knitting or cake decorating? Could she volunteer somewhere? The isolation feeds the depression, but the depression makes it almost impossible for her to take the initiative. Physical exercise of any kind is very helpful for depression, but again, a depressed person may need some help in establishing that activity. Initiative is hard to come by while depressed.
If mom had diabetes and was suffering from wildly fluctuating blood sugar levels, I wouldn't first tell her "eat more healthy meals" or "get more exercise," because I know that is very hard to do when bs is wildly unstable. First I would take her to an endocrinologist and take steps to get things back in balance, and work on healthier habits to keep things stable. The same with depression. First lets get the brain chemicals back in balance, and then work on good mental health habits.
I don't think that you are responsible for your mother's happiness. But I do think it would be an act of daughterly kindness to see that her depression is treated, so that she has a better chance of making her own happiness.
Good luck!
While I know you want to help you Mom and, of course, you should do what you can ~ in my mind, your children should come first.
Sounds like your Mom might be depressed ~ why does she need someone to 'take care of her'? She sounds capable of caring for herself.
One thing I have learned - is that I cannot live someone else's life for them; I cannot make them happy; I cannot fix all their problems; and I cannot grow old for them.
Yes, you can be consumed by the problems of an elderly parent. Consider outside resources to help you and your Mom cope. Can someone be paid to come to your Mom's house a few times a week? Help her clean; take her shopping; keep her company? That way ALL of Mom's happiness or need for companionship does not rest on YOUR shoulders. And it should not.
Perhaps cut down on the visits and give her back some of the responsibilities that she is able to handle.
She really needs more to do. Remember what they say about "idol hands?"
Find your Mom an appropriate living environment. That could be staying in her own home with increasing in-home care or an ALF where she would have more interaction and activities to keep her busy. She really needs more social contact. Also, does she have any hobbies that she liked to do? Involve her in looking for her new digs and in finding hobbies that she would like to try - but do not become her entertainment.
She is isolating herself and that only intensifies how she if feeling. And she needs to be involved in improving her own mental health. But none of this is your fault or responsibility - so don't take that on your shoulders.
Perhaps one thing you could try is a type of compartmentalization. Surely you've done it before. Its when your kids are home sick and you NEED to be at work. Or you're freaked because you might not make the whatever payment on time this month but you still have to take and pass an important test. . . Other things, important things, serious-life-changing-things may be happening in one part of your life - but if you make them your sole focus you could end up dropping all the other balls you have in the air, and then you'd really be in trouble!
Perhaps making a list or two would help.
First, a worry list, and you can tote in around and keep it on your desk and on your bedside tabel at night. It helps quiet my mind at bedtime to have all my worries written down, so I won't run them over and over in my mind when I need to be sleeping.
Second, a daily updated to-do list. Call the doctor back. Fill the script. Pay the bill. Mail the letter. Call the friend. Scratching these off each day or moving them to the next day and then the next day until they are done. This also might help you focus both with friends and with work at hand.
Try to make time every day to ask how your friends are. be specific. Ask how you can help them. Your problems may be more pressing than theirs, but they still need an ear and a shoulder.
My house is totally upside down with worry for a number of very serious reasons. I have a note on my monitor now that says "never forget how lucky you are". It sounds silly - but everytime I see it I take a moment to be grateful, for as difficult as the situation is, it could be worse. (And as it seems likely at present that it IS indeed going to get worse, I am saving up my anger and tears for a real BIG breakdown.
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Two brothers. Well-liked, successful, professional men who haven't been to see their mother (or me) in more than 5 yrs.
Sounds like Mom might benefit from seeing a doctor or counselor regarding her depression. Meds and or therapy could be of some help. The isolation (and sometimes fear) of living alone - especially at her age, can be a huge factor with anxiety and depression.
Was she ever social? Is a senior community/apt complex within the realm of possibility?
Does she have close siblings who might also be living alone?
Is there any sort of volunteer organization you might get her interested in? A lot of retired persons volunteer with Red Cross disaster services in my area, and thus stay as busy as they want to be.
Would it help to talk to your brothers and have them invite her to stay at their homes for a month of so at a time? I had an elderly relative who did just that - staying with different adult children for weeks to months at a time.
You have a fine line to walk here, and you need to set things in place NOW to insure that if family is going to be primarily responsible for Mom, that you aren't the only one simply because of your gender.
You have responsibilities to yourself, your children and your job. Some of us here at the board gave up jobs to care for our parents, and as a consequence find ourselves without the funds or the time to meet our own needs.
You might also consider speaking to a counselor about all of this before it becomes overwhelming. I wish you all the best.