I am at work and am worried about my spouse and mother having a spat. The dysfunction of our families and past hurts are starting to get overwhelming for my husband as Mom lives with us going on 2 years. He isn't working as much as he used to (went from 60 hours to 40) and is home more. She can't go anywhere since she has vision impairment and no local friends or family besides us.
I am at work right now and don't even have time to go into detail about it here. But it is distracting me to imagine them insulting each other, either by accident or on purpose. Sure, long term I can work on ways to get her to adult day care or out more, but those things take time and I'm worried TODAY about today.
I like the sound of your husband. Of course that doesn't mean life wouldn't improve for all three of you if you can find a good ALF for your mother. Why not see if you can get him just to come and have a look at a couple - just looking, not planning - as a first step?
One thing that frustrates me is that when I mention moving Mom to an AL place, hubby resists the idea. He thinks it is a nursing home and his whole family has this unnatural aversion to nursing homes. His grandmother worked in one in the 50s and I feel like they think they are all like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest or something. I am going to have to get him more involved in discussing the options. Have him look at the adult day care options that are available. He thinks Mom OUGHT to be more involved in making her life decisions but she isn't and never has been, just accepted whatever others decided and did.
I realized during the day that I have some kind of block about trying to make everyone (hubby and Mom) happy. He is right, I am putting her as a higher priority than him and I want to change that. She will still be safe if I don't spend time with her every single night.
I am so glad for the support here. I'm also glad I didn't collapse in tears at work yesterday. My coworkers are supportive but that would have been embarrassing!
Seriously, I do understand being caught between two people you care about, and feeling that you have to solve the problem. I always feel torn, and worried about each of them , and angry at each of them. Good luck.
On the home front ... is either of them likely to get physical? If not, then I suppose the worst that can happen is hurt feelings. I don't mean to minimize this, and it can contribute to long-term relationship issues, but if you have lived in a dysfunctional household I don't suppose this is new and urgent.
On the marriage front ... How likely is it this is impacting your marriage? If Hubby knows there are some solutions in sight, can he be patient a little longer?
On the career front ... we all do it from time to time, but on-the-job worrying about home issues is not exactly contributing to productivity. How long has this been going on, how serious is it, and how likely is it to impact your salary or even your job status?
It seems to me that TODAY that the biggest risk is to your job. Worrying about what is going on at home is not going to solve that. If you think they might come to blows, take a sick day and go home. Otherwise concentrate on your work and deal with the homefront when you get home.
It does take time to make arrangements for a day program or other activities. And even when you do that Mom will still be home some when Hubby is with her. But the sooner you start and the harder you work at that, the less distracted you will be.
Working and caregiving is a difficult mix, but often it is necessary. Try to compartmentalize your worrying. Try to get your Hubby on your side in minimizing the conflicts. To the extent possible, when you are at work, work.