My mother is 99-years-old and still has it together. I have a sister who basically makes threats. It's a control issue with her. It's everyone's fault except hers. My mother wants to write her a letter telling her to seek professional help and/or counseling. How should this letter be handled in case the letter needs to be used in court if or when she battles her estate in court?
As to "legal"? There's nothing legal about "a letter". There is nothing you must say or must not say in a letter.
Please tell us a bit more about these THREATS your sister is making to your 99 year old mother.
If mother is 99 then sister is at least 55 or so. She is grownup. A letter from "her mother" as regards anything at all will mean nothing. BUT if it engages, and upsets an unstable sister, the repercussions for a 99 year old woman could be literally DEADLY. She needs less emotional trauma now, and more love and quiet.
And what could a letter with advice to get help possibly accomplish when a lifetime of dealing with sis has accomplished,I imagine, not much?
So letter? My advice? Here it is:
Darling Daughter:
I love you with all of my heart. It hurts me to see you so unhappy. Please take care of yourself.
Love, Mom.
Please leave sister alone. If mother is competent and wishes to do things as regards her estate and how she wishes to leave it when she dies, then that is done IN PRIVATE with a good attorney. There is wording in wills that stipulate exactly how and why money is being left. Mom and the attorney do that. AND THAT ISN'T EVER DISCUSSED WITH SISTER (and quite honestly shouldn't be with you either.
So the advice I would give is to let sister alone. And mother should let her grown daughter alone to manage or to choose NOT to manage her own life.
If I am missing something here, the details of just WHAT I am missing might help me change my mind as to whether or not a "letter" is required here, or police intervention. But for now, just let sister alone and wish her well. There is nothing she can do to mother.
I wondered why a 99 year old person wanted to write a letter and wondered if it was the mother or a sister who was concerned about the other sister challenging a will.
It was just rather triggering, because I know my birth sister has control over our mother, and she is very much into material things. I don't understand it these days, because I've learned through my own ill health, that we take nothing with us when we 'go.' Life is ceased and we leave as we came, with no possessions.
But if love can be shared, at any time in life, that is truly a gift we can carry with us.
Once Mom has her Will where she wants it, its no ones business what it contains till after her death. Then the Executor takes over. Have Mom put her Will in a safe place where you know where it is and sister doesn't.
If she wants to write the letter because it’s cathartic, then go for it.
If she wants to write it (as others have pointed out) to head off any legal shenanigans with the estate, do it with a lawyer.
But if she wants to do it to try to continue to “parent” her sick daughter, don’t bother.
May she receive peace in her heart.
A letter is not going to do anything and may just add fuel to her fire.
What might help more is when your sister threatens your mom your mom has to take control of the situation.
If it is on the phone your mom says the following:
"I am not going to take the abuse or your threats" then mom hangs up the phone.
If it is in person your mom does the following:
Get up and leave the room. If sister is at mom's house mom says "It is time for you to leave" If mom is at sisters house then mom gets up and leaves.
If there is ANY threat of personal harm mom should leave the room, call 911 and tell the dispatcher that she is afraid for her safety that she is being threatened with physical harm"
Mom should be sure that all there last wishes are in writing, her Will is up to date. Mom does not have to worry about an Estate Battle...that is for you or the Executor to handle. the Executor will follow moms wishes that are outlined in the Will.
In my experience, people who are forced/threatened/coerced/guilted or otherwise compelled by others to go to therapy rarely get anything beneficial out if it.
And it could be your sister is just not a nice person, in which case therapy really isn't the answer. Some people just enjoy treating others like dirt.
Now, if mom is looking to write your sister a letter as a form of therapy for HER (that is, your mom) - then write the letter and destroy it.
And as Cwillie stated, if this is about staving off any possible contesting of mom's estate, that's best done under the guidance of mom's estate planner/attorney. For example, stipulations can be put into the language of the will granting an heir a nominal sum of money with the caveat that if said heir contests, they get nothing.
I will say , really really gave me good ideas.
For example I asked meta AI , I want to write a letter to my mothers doctor, explaining to them that my family doesn't see that my mom needs more help, and I wanted to him to keep it in mind for the future moving forward, and I didn't want it to be accusing towards my family, or sound like he isn't do his job.
I was shocked at how good of a letter me and meta AI came up with. How carrying and professional. I would go back and use it anytime.
Best of luck.