My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
and in pain, it would be a blessing for her to go peacefull.
Liked your no nonsense response above. I watched my mom suffer long beyond what she should have and my dad is lingering in memory care as I write.
Out, out brief candle.......Well said.
The only exception to this is when someone ACTS upon their thoughts. When someone can't differentiate between what is real and what is not, then you have delusions and possible psychosis, and all bets are off. As long as you are not acting upon your thoughts in order to harm someone, you're good.
You can care about someone's well being but without actually loving them. You may or may not grieve when someone dies, and that is dependent on your feelings and emotions.
Think about it this way. You can say anything you want to yourself. As long as you don't do something harmful or illegal, no one need be the wiser.
I say stop feeling guilty right now. You own your thoughts. They don't own you.
God Bless all the caregivers out there ❤️
Accusing me of hitting her when it was a gentle tap on the shoulder or shoving her when I'm more than 5 or 10ft across the room.
Always in public for pity party attention and sympathy while I or my mother gets blamed for crap.
I'm with you on the wishing bit... If only to prevent worse health for the rest of us!
I hope while your mother is still here, she won't burden and stress you out too much. Breathe, calm down, or your blood pressure will go through the roof.
You need to grab back your life now. Your late 60s and early 70s are precious - you still have physical energy to do things. This physical energy starts leaching out from mid 70s onwards, however much spinach you eat or Sudoku puzzles you do before breakfast.
Your mother has had wonderful support from you for 5 years - now it is time to delegate. Good luck.
"So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you."
was somehow so reassuring to me because it's almost as if I need some kind of permission to create that emotional distance, which I surely do need. Understanding she won't notice is key, because it alleviates the guilt.
I think it's all part of the acceptance and understanding of what is happening. For example, I will be sitting in my condo consumed with worry/guilt thinking that she is in her condo bored and sad and lonely, and getting angry at me for not being there. Then later come to find she was content (I think anyway) putting around and watching Judge Judy on TV (her favorite show). My mom has always been OCD about keeping her place "perfect". So what used to take her 30 mins to organize/clean/whatever now takes many hours but she still does it. And then she must watch Judge Judy.
Similar to making her bed and doing her make-up. It's like a ritual. She will spend hours to accomplish the task even if she isn't leaving the condo all day and seeing nobody.
BUT (there is always a but) that is just part of the picture. Other days/times her mood swings rapidly and she gets mean and nasty and will just glare at me as if I should be doing something.... but WHAT? The other day she criticized me in a very condescending tone for spending too much time with my husband. I ignored it, but really?? It's rare for me to go more than a day and not spend at least 2-3 hours with her either at her place or mine, plus dinners. I guarantee she would prefer that I was single at age 56 so I could be her "partner" so to speak.
Anyway I have gotten off the topic of this thread so sorry about that, just wanted to say your comments have been helpful. I need to understand things in the way you describe. You seem very wise on this stuff.
komentaightor you said:
Dementia patients naturally retreat into their shells of what they can understand, so your mom's narcissism will look like it is increasing, while it is in fact normal behaviour of a dementia patient.
This is very interesting to me because I'm realizing my mom has been and is retreating into some kind of shell. All my attempts to help her socialize with others is falling flat, and she refuses to even consider going to a senior center to meet people. She just wants her old friends (mainly her best friend) but they are long distance now since she had to move to be by me. It's really sad and in so many ways I feel bad. That life long old feeling of "I must fix it" is so strong, still!
My mom can still live independently in her condo, with some help from me next door. But her days are filled with her putting around, taking long periods of time to do each task. She has rituals, and still gets up, makes her bed, takes her shower, fixes her hair, puts on make-up, gets some breakfast. And she can spend the entire day inside, seeing nobody (except me and my husband). It's just so strange for me to see her this way. Prior she was VERY social and outgoing with a very low tolerance for boredom.
Not sure where I am going with this....
It's also important to acknowledge that while all the advice is general, and free, and unlimited, in the end every case is different. For you, you will have to accept that while your mom is apparently coping, inside she is slowly turning in ever decreasing circles. It is pointless to try to slow this down or to encourage her to meet other people.
My own gregarious friend who is now at a fairly late stage of Alzheimer's (but is not crazy during her brief lucid spells) was adamant ten years ago about keeping her illness secret - she was ashamed of it. Throughout the decade, her personality and mood changes were quite bizarre but always in the direction of shutting out any person whom she did not already know or who was not her immediate neighbour. She made a huge fuss of sending Christmas cards and birthday cards to close family, even when I had everything ready for her to write a small message. Thinking about other people was too much for her. This after having been one of the kindest and most generous people of my acquaintance.
Her shell is now her residence home, and I have become one of the nameless people who turn up from time to time to "take her somewhere" - normally just down to the coffee bar for a proper cuppa. She even refused to go downstairs to the Christmas bazaar last December, preferring to sit and watch while a new inmate was walking around shouting at people. The inmate she was seeing every day, so the shouting was "normal", but getting into the lift to go somewhere off her floor was scary, and she would not go. In 2017 she had loved the fair.,
So, accept the decline. Do not make sense of anything. Deal only with the moment and create an emotional distance between you and your mum: she won't notice, but it will protect you. Try to go to bed with just the light of candles for the last 10 minutes before you sleep. It's very soothing. And think only of your husband or your friends in the last 30 minutes before nodding off.
Good luck.
"We've been mourning him so when he actually goes, which could be six months or it could be 10 years, we're more ready," Jane says. "I'm not going to lie to you, I pray every day that he goes because this is no quality of life. There is no dignity. And I don't say that lightly. Knowing my dad, he never would have wanted this."
www.chicagotribune.com/sports/hockey/blackhawks/ct-stan-mikita-blackhawks-spt-0615-20150614-story.html
Every night I wake up around 1:30-2:00 AM and my mind starts. The worry, reliving the days events and the narcissistic digs and behaviors my mom dishes out, especially when my husband isn't around. I think of how that reminds me of how growing up my dad was the buffer, and I always hated when he had to leave for work and I was alone again with my mother.
I start feeling terrified about the future as her dementia will only progress. I start hoping she gets bad enough her personality will change into something else more tolerable to be around, then lay there knowing her seething narcissism has never gone away.
I lay there in mental agony then I start wishing she would die in her sleep and I could be spared this life of hell. Then I cry and feel guilty for even thinking such a thing, then I desperately want to go back to sleep. I want to take a xanax but don't want to fry my brain with daily and nightly use so I don't.... and the cycle repeats.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I don't even mean the caregiving, I mean being born to a mother who is a narcissist.
https://youtu.be/h7Ka67RHqxY. Name of woman doctor Dr Northrop I think. Expert on dealing with narcissists. I've had to listen to her Every day to guide me. I'm also on Meds... X.