Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Why would that be the most traumatic day of your life? Don't we expect to outlive our parents? The most traumatic day of your life would be something unexpected, IMO. My parents have been miserable for years, both talking about suicide since they were in their early 70s. I have prepared myself, I am certainly hopeful to outlive them. It will be sad but not traumatized.

When she passes, it will be the most tramatic day of your life....please...enjoy what you have for memories.

Somewhat off topic, but this brings up the question: when does the homemaker get to retire? You know, stop the cooking, cleaning, etc.

I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote in here about my grandparents. To update, my grandfather turned 90 last month, and we had a gathering for him at our house which was nice. Everyone pitched in so it wasn't too much on one person. Things with my mother have gotten better since putting my foot down and demanding help. We still split grocery and errand runs, team up or tag team with cleaning up around the house. We have a nextdoor neighbor who graciously cuts the lawn when needed too.

He had to have emergency eye surgery recently after a doc appointment. He's fine but had several bottles of drops that have to be given daily. My granny does it mainly except for nighttime as she goes to bed early, so I sometimes have to do the last couple bottles. I've noticed he's got his days and nights mixed up now which happens because he sleeps so much. I often have to remind him he doesn't need to go get the paper at 9pm. I've started writing down these occurences.

It also seems like everyone seeing my grandfather recently has made folks realize that he will not be here forever. Partly because of age, but also because he is wasting away. He was never heavyset, but he had a nice weight on him and now he doesn't. Turns out, my grandmother has pretty much stopped cooking...for him. She will fix herself food and snacks, but doesn't care to do much more than that. He is used to breakfast/coffee and a home cooked meal, and is very picky about anything that isn't a meaty meal. She now wakes up 11am or later as if to skip breakfast. My mom and her siblings are frustrated because they believe she is intentionally starving him out, due to a situation many many decades ago with my grandfather's ex-wife claiming a kid was his (it wasn't.) which happened early in their marriage. My grandmother is still bitter about it, and may have this mentality of "He did me wrong and everyone takes up for him, so he can starve to death for all I care."

I can't be here all the time so I don't always know what goes on until someone else tells me. Family brought over food for them over the weekend which my granny helped herself to. Yesterday when I asked, she told me he had eaten, also told my aunt that I fixed him a plate...I didn't. My grandfather confirmed what I already knew, but didn't want to eat when I offered to make a plate. Granny will try to spin it by mentioning how much he sleeps and making it seem like he's just not eating. She also tries to act forgetful about when he's eaten and quickly plays victim about how tired she is then starts saying she doesn't feel well, which she really started hamming up more starting on his 90th bday when everyone would ask how she was.

So now we have to make sure he eats since she doesn't. Just this afternoon my mom called the house to check on them and my granny played victim again. So she asked if I could bring my grandfather something, so I did. Didn't get my granny anything since she told us she's been snacking all day and "He never snacked like I do." I just said, that doesn't mean he shouldn't eat and went on about my business. I tried to do Meals on Wheels for them, but wouldn't you know the people told me that they don't deliver in our area?? We're in a suburb in a large metropolitan city, ridiculous. So I've been trying to find other alternatives. We buy them microwave meals as well, but my grandfather can be picky.

My sanity levels are better than they were. I'm sure that's due to me doing a huge purging of things in my room and creating a more tidy, organized and zen space. I take time to meditate, pray, etc. I also highly recommend a Himalayan salt lamp around the home or in your personal space if you don't have. I got one and have been sleeping better ever since.

If the only way for someone find peace and comfort is to leave us, it is understandable that at some point you pray for their rest, when you believe they`ll be in a much better place where all of us will find a higher place closer to our creator. Life is beautiful, and what comes next is even better if we find the path to it.

@SCMartin, the first thing that has to happen in your case is for your mother to be taken into residential care and to stay there. You cannot be expected in such a household to be looking after a constantly weeping parent who has not got all her faculties.
Then it is remotely possible that relations with your husband might improve; or at least you would be able to work out a different equation for looking after him as he is probably feeling very sorry for himself right now and resenting any attention you give to your mother.

I don't know exactly what kind of care your daughter needs, because I don't know what a TBI is, but if the two of you were free of your mother's presence, you might be able to work out a schedule for spending time with her dad, your husband that would relieve you of looking after him for a bit.
The grocery and other chores are sadly often seen as part of being a mum, but do get in paid help with housework and looking after the yard.

Please find a good friend or work colleague, sit down with her over coffee and try out on her all and any tips you are picking up from this thread, and get some action going. At least get a plan. Even if there is no residential care option available to your just now for your mother, at least get paid help or a local communitiy social worker to stay with her for one day a week, so that you have more time to rest and relax;
Good luck. For me, full time residential care was the answer for my feisty friend with Alzheimer's. Gave me my life back.

I am taking care of three, my mother 78 with Dementia, and a recent broken hip, osteoporosis and a poor me, nothing ever went right for me. My husband 71, cancer survivor, alcoholic, just had spinal surgery, loss of feeling in hands and unable to lift one leg so drags it, he has nothing nice to say, he is a complete bully, and lastly my 30 year old daughter who has a TBI and is diabetic. I still work a full time job, spend my evenings fixing dinner, counting out pills for the next day, bathing my husband and manage a walk with my daughter every night to unwind. The weekends are filled with grocery shopping, drug store, laundry, yard maintenance, house work etc. I take a couple hours every Sunday and go to the movies with my daughter, Mom won't see anything that has a bad word or any violence and Husband does not have strength to do anything. I keep going, there are times I cry all the way to the office not knowing how much longer I can keep it up, especially when Mom is on the couch crying because I don't talk to her, I do talk to her but my time is limited. I have thoughts of one of them passing away not because I don't care but because I'm so tired, I keep telling myself my day will come., don't give up there will be brighter days.

Thank you for talking about this my niece has not spoken to my mom or i because we prayed for god to take my daddy he was not going to get better but now to my brother and my mom he has lived right by my mom for years and he does cash rent farming and there is a lot of damage that has happened I left and lived my life and if I hadn’t done that I don’t think I would be alive my mom is very miserable and has felt sorry for herself all her life like she is the only person who has lost a child and has become a widow and she has played a huge role in my brother and I relationship he has called her the devil and she has burned a lot of bridges I am trying to put it behind me and now she expects him to just be right there the only thing I wish is he lets things go especially the fact that I went and made my life but now my mom is back expecting everything from me and there are times when I think the same thing please don’t be so hard on yourself

I have had thoughts about this since I watched how my mother went down so fast, suffering with Alzheimer and other issues with arthritis in both knees and arms, complaints day and night about her life, you shouldn't have to live like this, the quality of life is gone and her happiness is gone, so all she is doing is making everyone feel bad, I would wish this on anyone to just linger on with no purpose in life, afraid of being alone and even your children don't want to be around you.

Read a lot of posts today, some quite old and others fairly recent. It's quite clear to me that whether it's a parent or a spouse we all suffer depression and pain when we realize we can not change what is happening. There are really no answers each case is different. We just have to do the best we can.

Is this question still going?? Answer: NO. It's over...... Go and live what life YOU have left, unless your health was ruined by taking care of their stinky old butts for untold years.  I know mine was.  I am a broken woman and have only a few short years, I know it, till I die, before my time.

Sounds to me like you are the one who may need a Break. Your Mom is in someone else's Care and I remember when my Parents both got ill at the same time, I was so angry because I thought "Now this is Backwards." They were supposed to take care of me and I finally realized that I was pissed because they were sick and I thought they were always going to be the Parents. It took me all of about a Month or more to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is for them and I can either be there for what time I had left, or I can walk around pissed off all the time because they are doing what they want to do and not what I wanted them to do. Your Mother needs your support right now but I'm betting she can feel all that hate you are feeling right now. I felt the same way till I realized why I was really angry. This is life and for me, I told my Mother to do whatever she wants to do because she does not deserve to Die miserable because she is not doing what I say she should do. I'm going to Pray for you and I completely understand what your feeling. Let Mom do her own thing and you just let it all go. Then you are not so stressed out and Mom miserable as she may be, she's doing what she wants to as you should too.

Amen, Willow.

Let's hope they find a cure soon.
Since the government pays for most nursing home patients, you would think it would be of utmost importance to keep all of us baby boomers in our right minds!

My mom has been suffering from vascular Demencia for a long time, she had her first stroke 25 years ago. Today she can barely speak, eat, and she’s 100% dependant for everything else! It’s been a long, exhausting and enduring experience to be there for her! We lost our mother a long time ago, and now I just keep finding myself praying she passes and stop her suffering. Nobody should suffer Demencia! It’s a horrible, horrible disease that robs our elderly their dignity of life!

Well, here we are. I too have a Mother that is narcissistic and smoked like a chimney all of her life. She assaulted me twice when I was moving them to assisted living. I put her in the geri-psych ward twice, where she spent at least two weeks the each time. None of my siblings wanted to take legal guardianship of her and my dad, so I did it.
My sister and I talked many times about how much easier it would be if Mom would just pass away, but I continued to make sure she was cared for. At first I felt like I would go to hell, so to speak if I verbalized what I was feeling and thinking, but my sister is a safe place to express my feelings in the moment.
Now, Mom is wheelchair bound, and has had "hundreds" of mini strokes. It's been a year now since she quit smoking, but it's too late. The damage is done.
Mom has alzheimer's, and her cognitive thinking isn't really there anymore. She says very little and struggles to find the words when she wants to say something. I'm thankful she isn't the way she used to be.
My therapy to get through the difficult times is my blog. I blog daily. It's to keep my siblings up to date on my parents, and it's a place to leave my thoughts when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

LonelyStar, there are incredibly good reasons why you feel as you do.

You have been walked all over. Heavens! - I notice that you just gloss over that you were left to be raised by your grandparents, your mother waltzed back in twenty years ago and finally condescended to get involved... Like that's not even an issue? What, busy, was she? But if you're letting it pass, I'll let it pass. I expect there were good explanations at the time.

And where was the support when you got hit by that triple whammy? Still, it's a great credit to you that regardless you have picked yourself up, found a new job and what sounds like a very nice partner. You're doing better than a lot of people who don't have any family responsibilities, you know. It's hugely impressive.

Two questions:

1. What are you waiting for? Your grandparents can be cared for perfectly well by other people; plus moving out is not the same as saying "I don't love or care about you any more." There is nothing to stop you moving home and at the same time developing a new, different relationship with these people whose status in your life you fully recognise. Go ahead!

2. How do you feel about being someone who wishes the people she looks after would die? You describe your situation so openly and in such a practical way that I'm sure you'd never let these feelings affect how you treat them; that's not what bothers me, you clearly have a good strong grip on it. It's that I can't believe this is how you want to remember your relationship with grandparents you love. Get yourself out from under, and it may be possible to recover some of how things used to be.

You've been used. Tell your mother and her siblings to take care of them and get out and live your life. You're too young to be doing this.

If your grandparents have so much money that your mother is hoping to inherit some, then maybe they should be in assisting living or long term care. Does anyone have durable and medical POA for each of them?

I'm in my early 30s and have been caring for both my grandparents. They raised me when my mom moved away, and I have lived here ever since, due to financial issues and them depending on me as they are not as self sufficient anymore. I feel guilt and obligation from myself and other family members. My mom has been back for almost 20 yrs and up until last year was more focused on herself, social groups, etc. It took for my emotional breakdown for her to take notice & step up; I think it's for financial gain. Her siblings are in different states and always call to check in, and help out when they visit. Other relatives stop by, bring things and have taken them to doc appts while I'm at work. 

Last year I lost my job, watched my dog pass away and my grandfather got into a car accident after sneaking out the house to take a drive in his car on a rainy night. I didn't even flinch when I got the call. I was angry he survived. Since then, I've had to drive everywhere for groceries, weekly fast food and whatever crap my grandmother sees on sale. Things changed when I started working again. My mom and I split the grocery shopping, usually doing grocery pickup. Also, I put my foot down and asked that my grandfather stay at home, because having him wander off like a toddler while pushing a heavy basket was too much. 

I honestly do not want anything when they pass, just my freedom. I'm grateful for what they've done for me, but I have to live my life. Some of our relatives are planning my grandfather's 90th bday in a few months, but I'm secretly hoping we won't get that far. I would rather have my grandmother go first though, as she's nerve-wracking, selfish and will lie on us if she doesn't get her way. She's constantly yelling for me to turn off her oxygen (she's had blood clots and has shortness of breath) and for other BS. I'm also tired of being embarassed of all the clutter in the house and not having much help to get rid of it. My grandfather was hospitalized a few weeks ago with strep and pnuemonia, once again I hoped he wouldn't come home. There's a PT coming in to help with his balance, and I hope it turns into some permanent home health care for both of them. 

I've been able to maintain a bit of a social life, as I can go out when they sleep. Somehow, I have a boyfriend of 3 years who has been so patient, as he was taking care of his grandmother until her passing last month. I feel guilty because he willingly did everything for her and would do it all again, so I don't tell him my frustrations anymore. We have discussed moving in together. He's  concerned my grandparents will be upset, but I have to do what's best for me. They have sucked the life out of me, and I would like to function as a normal adult for once in my life. I take anxiety and depression meds and have a therapist, who has said years ago that I started grieving early, hence my anger, frustration and sadness with everything. I think I am just finally coming to terms with it.

Of course “yes” or “no” is ultimately the OP choice (as well as the other posters), I do not think it is wrong to want someone very ill or purely just worn out from living to pass. When my mother suffered her second stroke in two months, in a nursing home, @ 89 years old, I did not really “wish” her to die, I wished her to have peace and go ahead to where she’d be with her parents, my dad & her 11 Brothers & sisters.
Death is a natural progression of life; it waits for no one.
I am a firm believer in letting nature take its course. I believe this is consistent with my religious beliefs as well.

Have we determined the answer yet? Which is 'YES'. If not them, then US. Hell on earth.

spring - it would be good for you to make plans to get out of that situation. Can you look in to a facility for them and medicaid to support them if they need it? Looking after two people with Alz is too much for anyone.

I to have a mother like this. I am bitter and angry at her! She complains about everything I do from eating out to washing my clothes to much. which of course is not true. I live with her and my dad. she does my dad the same way, everything is our fault. I wish I could get out of this mess.

We both have the same feeling. I think it’s a normal thought when you have caregiver burnout.
My fil is a very selfish man he’s 93 and in better health than me or my husband combined.
He made a few poor choices the last 2 years, one leaving the hospital against doctors ordered, thus making the medical staff question his mental state. Doctors suggested he be tested for his driving plus a few other issues. Needless to say he failed his test miserably. Since his wife died five years ago we have done most of his paperwork, I did cook for him for 4 and a half years till he got mad at me and told me to to get out of his house. Which I haven’t been back since. Like your parent, he complains about anything and everything. I told my husband that he should be complaining about himself. He doesn’t like anything or anyone either.
I decided I can’t deal with toxic people anymore. I don’t do a thing for him anymore.
My husband do that much like he used to
Have u thought about assisted living that can give you some peace. You need to step back from this chaos to regain some peace. The one thing I learned from all of this is I will not rely on my kids. My husband and I are going in a home in about 5 years. We both have diseases for which there is no cure.
I pray that this passage in your life changes. We all deserve peace. God bless

It’s sad to say but I’ve had this thought. My mom is difficult to deal with and I’m the only one trying to deal with it. If I say ‘yay’ she says. ‘nay’. We disagree about EVERYTHING! And she’s always right. She wants her way about everything. She thinks just because she’s 90 she earned the right to say and do whatever she wants even if it’s hurtful. The sad part is she only treats me this way. My other siblings are perfect in her eyes. Hell im the one she’s with 24/7. I just want this to be over! So sometimes I have this thought. Lord forgive me!

I understand your history with your mother...was not good. My mom also was all about her. I didn't get along with her when l was growing up. lnspite of that l felt l wanted to care for her, l thought all of us kids would be there to help. No, just me, she didn't know me as her kid....and mom could be very cruel and cold. l called her mom on good days, on bad days called her by name. Sometimes when l called her mom, she would say....your no kid of mine, your not my kind of people. To shorten this up, at the end of life, ma said to me...you are my best friend and l love you, and l the same, had learned to love her! Mom always said were you go l want to go. So as we got a whisper away from death, l told her l would walk her to heavens door, she said you promise? l told her l've been by your side for over 4yrs. and l'm not leaving you now! We have walked that walk.💝What l am saying is it takes all kinds to make the world go around!

No, I don't think it is wrong to wish people to die. As a Catholic Christian I believe they will be in glory. This is not our "forever" home on earth. Our family has become hopelessly dysfunctional as my 96 yo FIL is now dying. My SIL's have obsessed over him and his care. No matter how many times my husband (his son) and I offer help we are shut out. We visited Dad yesterday in the LTC . He has pneumonia, is on O2 and can barely stay awake. His mind is near gone. We offered to help with his meal but were turned down by daughter #4. She stated "I think Dad is getting more robust." More robust!? He is dying. We decided to have my husband drop in after work for half and hour and leave me home. I ended up watching football with Dad's roommate, a former football coach. All you can do is try hard and demonstrate care and love.  If you are rebuffed and have different feelings it's okay.

Both of my parents have been expressing the wish to die since around the age of 70. This started while health was still good. Now mom is 75 and threatens suicide on a daily basis. She is miserable and willing to take us all down with her. Dad had to be put in ALF due to dementia and he is miserable. They hate each other. I am in the middle. I certainly wish there were days when the misery would disappear. When they are gone I will feel free. It's sad to see them so miserable and they have both declared their lives are over.

Both my parents didn't want me, were burdened by me, and basically were total failures. as parents. My father died, I shed a couple of tears, and haven't thought about him much in 20 years. Other than what a failure as a father he was....My mother, she was in a nursing home, her every need being taken care. Sweet Jesus, what a relief that was to me! She passed away some years later, totally brain-dead from dementia, and though I did grieve, it was a blessing. now, I think it was definitely a blessing, they both passed away relatively peacefully... I do think people who unfortunately suffer in their end days do deserve a quick, merciful death. No one gets out of here alive, people.

No need to feel wicked, sweetie.... your FIL is being held back from being in "glory", and that's too bad. 40 years ago, before there were so many medical "miracles" most people died around 70-80 years old - BEFORE all these awful ills got them. Now prolonging life no matter what the quality has become an epidemic and a nightmare. The good news is that it WILL happen, and you will all be free to live your own lives then...

My father in law is a wonderful man but he has been cared for at home for the past 10 years. I believe that has extended his life. His caregivers, my SIL's, think he has quality of life. I see a man who can't focus his thoughts, who sleeps all day and eats small meals daily. He is bathed and taken to the bathroom. Recently he ended up in the hospital with a severe infection. He overcame it. Now he is in a LTC and has pneumonia from which he is recovering. When I talk to him he always asks me "What's the weather like out there." Done. I know he wants to be with Mom and his extended life has taken more than 10 years from all of us. We never have dinner anywhere but at the condo as Dad can't be taken out. Christmas has become a repetitive ritual because Dad is central. I guess that is all well and good and it is surely God's decision to make but I wish he would pass on and "let his people go." I dislike these thoughts and have shared them only with my husband who concurs. Our family dynamics would change in a healthy way and we could all spread out and Dad would be in glory.
It seems a good answer but I feel wicked.