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I have lived a hard, tough life and yes, it is human to wish someone to die. Why? The other person may have been very selfish, mean, abusive, whatever. Perhaps love was never shown to you and this person never cared about you. Or perhaps their mind is now gone and if they were loving and kind and good, they are not what they once were. Or they may have serious medical problems. You did not cause the problems - sometimes in some cases, they brought it on themselves. Other times it is just the aging process. I firmly believe that when the mind and body are gone and the person is causing havoc, it is only pure and human decency to wish they would pass on It would be a kindness that our society doesn't want to accept. If they are no longer what they once were, it would be a blessing and I wish the day would come where society would allow something to be done just as it does for our beloved pets. I believe in God and I truly believe that given the correct circumstances, this is NOT a sin - it will bring us closer to God faster. Were it me, and I acted like some of these people, I would pray that someone would do away with me - it would be an act of mercy and pure kindness. But for now, I know no one will do that - and knowing this, it is a horrifying thought - that I could go on for a long time being like these people. Be strong - you are doing nothing wrong.
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Reply to Riley2166
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"Is it wrong to hope someone dies?"

You're not just hoping out of nowhere and nothing that they will die, you're hoping for relief from the current overwhelming, painful problems, you're hoping to live a peaceful life, you're hoping to see an end to their pain and undignified end-of-life process -- and you think the only way that can happen is if someone dies.

It's a big difference to me. I've felt that feeling - wanting my father to pass, even while I did everything I could to keep him alive and well. I realize now I didn't wish so much that he would die, just that he wasn't a source of so much stress and hurt in my own life.
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Reply to AliBoBali
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My husband and I have been caring for my dementia patient Mother for over 3 years now and she does nothing for herself except swallow the food we feed her, walk with assistance as far as from the bed to the free standing toilet and she sings music, still loves for me to play music and she'll remember most of the words.

She can be cruel to us, is in a bad mood if we interfere with her own personal shangri-la in her head...meaning...she's fine with music, us being her personal handmaid and butler but if we need to even so much as move her and pull blankets back we get a meanie.

I wish, always for the Lord to just take Mom home. She does not know me or anyone else and she only asks for the people who are all gone to be with the Lord. Shes 86 and I honestly think there is a huge part of her that is afraid to die. She has always been afraid of her shadow and has been the damsel in distress and helpless person always. Very narcissistic and attached to my life as one for her to plan and dictate. I guess she has succeeded in a sense, but I also disengage and don't let her use her guilt tricks on me. I am ok with doing a great job some days a good job others. We deserve our lives as well.
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Reply to mamagirl
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My mom has dementia and just had surgery for a blood clot - I am not quite sure what is going to happen at this point. All I know is that despite her devastating condition - she has trouble speaking (but she recognizes us), she is confused, and she is in pain - she desperately wants to live. It does not matter what we wish or don't wish for. There is always a reason for the way we think or feel.
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Reply to bee1998
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I feel the same way about my almost 91 year old mother. She's miserable. At first I felt guilty but after analyzing why I had this feeling I then realized it was actually my love for her that made me feel that way.
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Reply to thisissohard
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I feel the same way about my almost 91 year old mother. She's miserable. At first I felt guilty but after analyzing why I had this feeling I then realized it was actually my love for her that made me feel that way.
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Reply to thisissohard
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I don't know that I will have ANYONE here after I am sick, disabled, put into a nursing home. I can only hope I have dementia and don't know who/what/where/when/how about my surroundings, and can only hope I am not abused. I would PRAY for MYSELF for a merciful death if I knew. My mom lived two years in a middling typical nursing home, didn't even know where she was, but she was an easy, pleasant patient there and the staff loved her and treated her well. After 2 years, she passed away, in her sleep. I grieved of course (despite our 'past') but was glad, too, because there was no real quality of life. It was warehousing, playing 'balloon toss' and triva games, and so on. She was happy, and unaware of most of it, but it was no kind of life. I am glad she 'slipped the surly bonds of earth' and is in heaven with all of our passed on loved ones.
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Reply to Lassie
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I just hope that if someday my life is full of chronic sickness and extreme pain and agony that I wish to die, it will be legally possible to end it. My daughter and my husband knows how I feel, but in many cases neither the patient nor the family is allowed to do anything.
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Reply to oldandtiredLJW
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Notwithstanding any staunch religious beliefs or fear of any wrath...I for one would never want to live a week in my mom's shoes. There's one thing in this life I believe God intended us to have control over: Free will. And, wishing someone would pass to end the misery, isn't' covered by any commandments...So, don't let anyone shame you for feeling as you do.
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Reply to heatherb67
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No, I think it is normal to hope someone dies when they are suffering from many diseases and especially dementia. It is not so much the hoping for them to die, but, more wanting a relief for them from their pain and disease. With dementia, the only release is death. I hope for my mom's release from it nearly daily. She even told me earlier in her disease that she would rather be dead than living with it. I think that is the case with most people. I would rather die than live to lose my mind.
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Reply to gladimhere
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I prayed for my sweet daddy to go, was that wrong? He was so miserable. Yes, I believe that each day is a gift, but when your life is so miserable and pain filled and there is no hope, no joy, no nothing....we actually held a family prayer with daddy and essentially "gave him permission" to leave us. He died 2 days later.
I think you are referring to wishing death on a mean person, someone you don't like. That's pointless. To hope that a loved one is freed from suffering--a totally different dynamic.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Yes, it's very wrong to hope someone dies or to wish it on them. Every life has a purpose and it's not over until God says it's over. To wish death on anyone is an outrage. When I was still in school, we even had a rebellious classmate who said he hoped someone died. The teacher immediately got onto that student and he was disciplined. Never ever wish death on anyone or even hope they die because that's the same as murder by wishing death on anyone because it reveals much about what's on your heart and speaks volumes about someone's character. Never ever ever hope someone dies
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Reply to Dad_Was_Robbed
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Wow, this is exactly my situation with my grandmother! Narcissistic and manupulative to the end and no matter how much i do it's not enough for her. She has aged me so quickly with trying to deal with her. Not to mention the damage she has caused to my marriage and my children. She told my 10 year old daughter that she is overweight and needs to stop eating so much. I feel awful for wishing she would pass away, not just for her relief but ours. I hate that she has made me feel this way. I always thought I was a good person.
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Reply to katgrl55
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My mother had metastatic lung cancer some eight years ago. It had spread to her bones and her liver; however, her mind was as sharp as a tack. I think in this case it was sort of a good thing to hope that the Angels would take her and she wouldn't suffer anymore. My mother went about three weeks after being diagnosed; I know she's at peace now. With a lot of talk therapy and counseling, everything went OK although I suffered from some anxiety and depression
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Reply to cak2135
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Veronica said it well. It's not so much that you want your mom to die - you want all of the suffering to end. Your mom's - and your own. Enlisting the aid of hospice care could be one of the best things you've ever done if you haven't tried it, yet, Jozzie.

We are with you on this. Take care,
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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Jozzie try not to think about it as hoping your Mom will die. Instead think about it as her suffering ending. That way you can loose the guilt and think of Mom finally being free from her earthly burdens which she has had for so many years.
Do you have hospice for Mom? They will guide you on the best way to keep Mom comfortable and free from anxiety.
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Reply to Veronica91
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My mom is in the last stages of Polio, her muscles are tearing away from her body. She has COPD, and late stage alzheimers. On top of that, from the Polio she has been in a wheelchair for aprox. 40 years. She is turning 78 this year. Two month's ago I found a Decubitis Ulcer on her bottom. There is nothing the doctors can do because she doesn't remember going to the doctor, let alone what they say. I take care of all her needs. Everyday is a fight. I am her only daughter and the one who gave up her life to help my parents. But yet I am the one she is scared of and cusses out like a sailor, most of the time she thinks I'm the woman trying to take her husband away. The things that come out of her mouth are shocking. The hardest part is I knew my mom, she has a triple masters degree in Psychology and was an Adult Protection Supervisor for 30 years. This woman is in constant pain, and always says she just wants to die. I feel her passing would finally give her peace, because she doesn't have it on earth. If I knew how to help her, I would. Unless you've truly lived with someone with Alzheimers, you don't know.
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Reply to jozzie1805
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how do i know the end is near for my 90 year old mom?
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Reply to luv2015
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Hugemom, don't be so sure when she "reveals things about her past" that they are true. My 83-year-old mother, who is as honest as the day is long, has begun to tell people about her "first marriage" to a man named "Joe." Who she is talking about we have no idea, as she married my father at age 17 and they were married for over 60 years. She wasn't even dating anyone named Joe during high school. Then there is my husband's father, who in the nursing home used to tell highly entertaining stories about how he was born in Canada, orphaned as a child, etc. etc.--none of which were true
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Reply to bridges
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My mother is 95 and has always been a victim and a drama queen. I am an only child, so growing up, I was the target of her verbal abuse. I recently discovered that 50 years ago, when I was 12, her father committed suicide. This scared me that there was some mental disorder in me as well. My doctor said suicidal tendencies aren't inherited, but I am still concerned anyway. Whenever I go to see her at the Home, she says she's ready to go. I am sure she is. It will mean peace for both of us. The longer she lives and the more bad memories come to light about my childhood and her moodiness and negativity, I'm not sure how much more I can take. When she is coherent as she can be, she often reveals things about her past that should have remained unsaid. Don't feel guilty or apologetic. Don't feel you need to weep and wail when she does go, either. They say counselling may help,,and if I could afford it, I would go. Take care of yourself. You are important and your life matters.
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Reply to Hugemom
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Your Not Alone. Your Mom is Set in Her Ways!
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Reply to butternutt
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2much, yes find care for dad that he needs. Ask for help from Adult Protective Services. This situation is only going to become more difficult. So many feel guilt when it gets to the point of realizing that the care has become overwhelming. All any of us can do is the best we can. The large majority of us reach the point that, for OURSELVES, we will not continue to provide the care.
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Reply to gladimhere
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toomuch4me, your thinking is human. In my opinion you need to get out of this situation. You are being abused and there's no reason to take it.

If no one else will take care of him, call social services. Even if his behavior is caused by dementia, it doesn't seem to be a good situation for you or even for him. You aren't bad for thinking this way, but it's time to make different arrangements.
Take care of yourself while you still can.
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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Im ashamed of my thoughts but I will say them, I loathe the man I live with who I used to call Dad. He has decided to constantly remind my sister that she and I are not related and that she should not take up time with my children. He is purposely rude and evil . I cannot stand the sight of him. But Im sure he will outlive me, because of all of the stress I have to go through dealing with him every day. I have even thought that everyone would be better off if I were the one to die because every day dealing with him is nothing but frustration and me feeling depressed.
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Reply to toomuch4me
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Take yourself out of the picture. Find a care home with skilled professionals who will have seen so many patients like your mother and will know how to deal with her. Maybe she also needs a break from your sandpaper relationship, and maybe nursing care is what she longs for. Afford it, then give her space for a while.
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Reply to anonymous409206
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Psycholgy has studies of children wishing their parents dead, and also the guilt that ensues if they really do die. The children-thinking they were the cause due to their thoughts. At that stage of development, it is not considered pathology.
These thought are part of the human condition, the mind. One can research this online, if still interested in the OP's question.
Is it wrong?
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Reply to anonymous281963
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cmagnum, my mom used that threat but I never took her seriously. Unfortunately, because of mom's threat, which we both knew was just melodrama, my sister didn't want to make her "unhappy" and stalled and stalled for almost 3 years about moving her to AL. I was doing 80% of the work taking care of her, so I knew how bad she was getting, plus, selfishly, I needed a break. I had to browbeat the doctor, listing all her dementia behaviors in writing before she indicated Alzheimers on her physical form which resulted in the AL informing they would not renew her lease. Then she had no choice.
For those of you in that position where your parent won't move out of IL - that is the only solution. IL will not allow an Alzheimers patient to live there alone.
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Reply to AmyGrace
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I have no respect for a parent who threatens suicide to terrify their children and thus keep them in line. Suicide is horrible and faking it for the sake of control is abuse.
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Reply to notrydoyoda
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I think I have posted here before, but this is a subject that causes one to pause and think...my mother is only alive because she takes so many drugs to keep her so. She was suicidal (I don't know if it was "real" or a threat she used to keep us kids in line and constantly horrified all our lives)...but now that she is a widow and has money enough and no responsibilities at all except for playing and making herself happy--she actually seems kind of happy. Her health is atrocious, she can barely walk, but LOVES all the attention that she gets and plays the "old lady" to the HILT. It's weird to me. I don't hope she dies, I really barely think about her. Women in her family live well into their 90's despite the dire predictions of her drs, I think she will make it to 90 and then some.

I just hope when she does go, it is quick and not some horrible lingering thing.

And no, I personally don't think it's "wrong" to hope someone dies. If you are suffering and there is no real respite or hope--yes, I would hope that person could die with some dignity and w/o drama. Alas, this doesn't often happen.
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Reply to Midkid58
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They surely can. I take my dad to the animal shelter often. It's a great uplift to him.
Wish he could have a pet where he lives but that's not an option.
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Reply to C99Brook
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